22 | Out in the Mountains |May 2000

I: ll 0 W
continued from pg.21

destroy the earth and all its
inhabitants. I have made a
choice in my life not to devote
my emotional and sexual life
to a male partner. That’s what
makes me a lesbian. That’s
what has helped me to be self-
loving in the midst of all this
women—hatred. I am making
the choice to let down some of
those defenses against males I
have had to develop in order to
survive in a rampantly sexist
world. What choice do I have,
boys, except to do the very
best I can to love you deeply,
albeit imperfectly? You are
brand new souls born at a time
in my life when I felt intensely
vulnerable. You will help to
heal me since one of those
tools I have learned (and it has
taken 56 years to sink in) is
that one heals quicker by help-
ing others. It helps to feel
needed.

And when you’re old
enough to read this, how close-
ly we bond will be partly up to
you. For sure you are going to
hear messages from your
eccentric grandmother that
will contradict the messages
you will be inundated with by
the rest of society. For exam-
ple, you will hear that you are
of more worth than girls are.
You are worth quite a lot, but
not more than. You will be
expected to feel smarter,
stronger and way cooler than
you may feel inside and will
be advised not to admit you
feel weak, scared and sad. You
have my permission to admit
to all your feelings - just ask
for help when you go and act
on them. I will also say things
I shouldn’t - like, are you sure
you want to go out for foot-

ball? Why not try sewing?
And undoubtedly you’ll be
frustrated at Grandma’s house
because she doesn’t have TV.

As for the African-
American side of you, we’ll be
learning together on that one.
I’m afraid I’m a rank beginner
since I’ve never had a person
of color in my family before.
You’ll have a triple whammy
to deal with — being Jewish,
Black, and having a lesbian
grandmother. How can I ever
prepare you for that, except to
teach you to detect the bullshit
— providing I stay open to
picking it up myself‘?

So what would I want from
you if I had my druthers,
knowing full well I have no
control over your journeys?
That you would somehow be
among those rare guys who
“get it” - who get that domi-
nating women is a drag and
will prevent you from experi-
encing your full humanity.
Who get that being soft, nur-
turing, ‘kind and gentle are
huge blessings. If you do get
it, I would hope more than
anything you will teach your
brothers any way you can
through art, politics or just by
being powers of example. And
if you don’t‘ get it, then know
I’ll be in the background

rootin’ for you. I have much
more patience than I had in the
seventies, kids. Why, here it is
25 years later and men still
rule the world, yet I’m com-
mitting myself to two males.
Twenty-five years ago I
struggled to break a commit-
ment to a man I loved at the
.time because I knew I had to
devote my life to women and
couldn’t do that within the
context of a heterosexual mar-
riage. You may choose to be
straight, gay, bi or trans. I can-
not presume to know what will
keep your hearts and minds
aligned years from now, but
I’m looking forward to hiking,
biking, hanging out at the
cabin with you, building huts
and cooking. I’m game if you
are. And when you’re old
enough to talk, let’s get down.
That’s the only way we’ll stay
connected. I love you both
with all my heart.
Grandma Crow V

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