[IllllW'S BAWS liy crow cnlien Letter to my Grandsons So both my daughters gave birth to boys last year, two weeks apart. Suddenly I’m a double grandma! Anybody who has known me for a while says, “Crow with two grand- sons? How the hell is she going to deal with that? This I gotta see.” Yep. My Higher Power sure has a sense of humor all right. OK. So I have these two one-year- old boys in my life. When I was coming out as a lesbian feminist in the ‘70’s I had two daughters. That was probably a good thing because in those days, women with boy children were merci- lessly challenged; and I had all I could handle leaving my husband and being a single parent, let alone battling with the community about man-hating. As I. recall, I was uncharacteristically quiet during those debates: Should we allow boy children at our gatherings? If so, until they were how old? Boy energy definitely affects girl energy. How do we assure that the girls don’t feel dom- pinated or harassed? How can we be naked in front of boys? And so on. Because I had such a hard time rais- ing my own children, I couldn’t come down hard on mothers, no matter what gender their offspring. I was confused and scared during those discussions, but naively relieved that I didn’t have to face that problem head-on. Many of our sisters were dreadfully wounded by those struggles with separatism, but we were forging ahead towards a freedom hitherto unknown for women. We were bound to be awkward. So I decided to write a letter to my grandsons for the OITM Mother’s Day issue. Hey, these guys are a gas! They toddle around eager to explore every nook and cranny they can get their little bodies into. They experiment. with vibrating their lips while eating Yo-Yo Baby yogurt andspray it all over, which cracks me up. (Don’t tell their moms, it just encourage them.) They clap and dance and greet me with big grins when I come in the door. They need me for comfort and cuddling. And the best part is, they’re my grandkids. I am not their primary parent. Hallelujah! (Been there. Done that. Am writing the book.) That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. So here goes, boys. Your lesbian feminist grandma has a few words she wants to share with you: Dear Joshua and Lewis, I thought I’d write you a letter when you’re only a year old to introduce myself to you, in case itcomes in handy one of these days for you to know a lit- tle about your roots. I am a Jewish les- bian feminist. At this point in your life, you are Jewish African-American boys. It’s frightening for me to admit how society could drive a wedge between us based on our essential differences. I’m here to tell you, there are no guarantees. That may sound like a threat; and I don’t want to scare you, but perhaps by the time you read this you will have May 2000 | Out in the Mountains 21 developed some tools to get you through the doses of pain life will heap on you from time to time —— just as I have. On the other hand, we have the potential to triumph over our differ- ences, or to use an expression that was popular in the ‘90’s when you were born — “to embrace diversity.” As I hold your small bodies in my arms these days, I am literally embracing diversity. So who is this grandma of yours? I grew up in a conventional Jewish- American nuclear family in Hartford, Connecticut. I had an un-traumatic childhood. No sexual or physical abuse. No poverty. No major illnesses. No gut- wrenching separations. No alcoholism or drug addiction in the family. No vio- lence in the home or neighborhood. Anti-Semitism definitely there, but sub- tle. Although I lived in a religiously diverse neighborhood and would hang out with non-Jewish kids on the street, I never played in any of their houses. It just wasn’t done. We little ones must have gotten the message that our hous- es were off-limits to one another. I was never called a dirty Jew, although years later I heard there was one neighbor that used to call my father on the phone during Christian holidays when she got drunk and vented her Jew-hating on him. By the way, your great-grandfa- ther was a sweet, good- natured per- sonable kind of guy who owned a cor- ner drugstore. I grew up privileged in so, so many ways. I got mar- ried young- Life is good. ffdag, dilée a nag. ‘lUil[1l.«tan ‘Uerunaut at the age of 20—to a high school sweetheart who turned into an Air Force pilot. I had two daughters, and when I was in my 30’s chose to become a radical lesbian feminist. That’s when I got swept up in the movement and turned against men - not the men clos- est to me, however. My father remained kind and tolerant his whole life. My brother is a happy, very funny guy who’s great to be around. He’s also excellent at talking about his feelings. I still loved my ex-husband deeply when I left him, and it took me 10 years to get over him. We’re not friends any- more, but that’s because he’s been ‘unwilling to maintain any meaningful contact with his former family. It hap- pens. I ’m sorry to say he’s among many men who run away from their feelings as well as their kids. Let’s put it this way. I guess I have to come to terms with all that global man- hating I indulged in when I was a mili- tant lesbian. It was simple to hate men back then. It is clear that they control the world, pollute the environment and are violent against women even though I never experienced that kind of vio- lence first hand in my family. 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