8 Out in the Mountains IIIIIBES FIIIIM T by ion apnleton & January 2000 HE MOUNTAINS I:aI‘IlIS IIfl|IaIlll|I‘8 Love Across the Generations: a personal view - Part II This is a story with two perspec- tives. Last month we heard from Jon Appleton. This month his partner; Carlos Nakamura shares his views on the same sub- ject. car|as’s Story: do what I do. Period. I have lalways lived in the present. I was never good at planning ahead professionally, economi- cally, or sentimentally. I don’t have a savings account, a career plan, or any idea what my life will be in a year or two. Carpe diem. I take one day at a time and try to live each to the fullest. Of course this attitude has put me into tight spots and probably will lead to others, but I can proudly state I’ve never had any regret, at least not for things I have done so far. I remember telling Jon when we exchanged our first e-mail messages that I’m never afraid of making a bad decision — though I’ve done it repeatedly — but I am afraid of losing opportunities that might never come again. I’m afraid doors I never dared open might close and I will never know what was behind them. That sounds like the attitude of a stubborn child who, no matter what adults say, has to touch the stove to see if it is hot. In my twenties, I never thought seriously about a sta- ble relationship. The world seemed to demand my atten- tion and interest with so many other things. So much to do and see — so little time. And sex...well, sex is not difficult to get-when you’re in your twen- ties and in Brazil. Eagemess and enthusiasm compensate for lack of experience and tech- nique. But even then, I always felt something was not quite right about casual sex. Something was missing, something was incomplete. An orgasm is pret- ty basic; your five ol’ friends can get you there as fast as any hunky porn star, sex-god, or buffed stud. It also spares you the embarrassing rituals of post-coital exchange of phone numbers never to be called. What is really missing is affection, warmth, something that bonds two" people and goes beyond those seconds when your balls pump fluids through your vas deferens. Lovers come and go, but friends stay with you, sometimes forever, because they compromise, care and like you for what you are, not for the size of your -pecs or pecker. Of course, I had to reach my thirties to realize this. So here I am, in my thirties, realizing that a meaningful one-to-one relationship is important after all; that having someone who can be lover as well as friend can mean a great deal. Then crude reality dawned — very few are willing to commit in same-sex rela- tionships. It would take a psy- chosexuai thesis to hypothesize on the non-committing nature of gay men, and I was never much of a conceptual thinker. I am a pragmatist by nature, and empirical experience taught me that the earth would turn into a dark ball of cinders before I’d find a good match. But I had something worse than opti- mism - I had hope. And I had sleeping problems _ too, so I would spend nights surfing the Web, trying to meet interesting men. Some can be exquisitely precise about what they want; check personal ads to see for yourself. If you’re a GWM, 25 y.o., blk., blue, 6’2”, 170#, musc., non-smkg, grad. deg., someone is looking for you. Me? I can’t even be spe- cific when buying underwear. I’ve been a generalist all my life and that reflects my tastes in men as well. The things I sought in a potential partner "were vague and hard to define. Maturity and sense of humor can never be described as specifically as blonde hair and green eyes. To make a long story short- er, having met Jon online and exchanged a few e-messages, I saw he was a real person, not a nameless sexual member. That he was in Japan and I was in Brazil helped me think with the upper half of my body. Afier a while, we progressed to phone calls. Communication always flowed naturally; he made me laugh and challenged and inspired me intellectually and emotionally. I suppose that he has been married and raised three children made him all the more attractive. I always believed marriage improves the man — as divorce improves the woman. Maybe because men who have been married learned to commit, maybe because marriage gives them a broader, wiser view of relation- ships. , After a few months of virtu- al dating, we both crossed IE Condo Guy and buying a condo, we're the team Bill Desautels RE/MAX North Professionals Introduces... If you are thinking about selling your condo and buying a single-family home OR if you are thinking about selling your single family home The Single Family/ Condo Connection to do it. Louanne Nielsen, one of the leading real estate agents in Chittenden County, has joined The Condo Guy Team. When you work with our team, you get the best of both worlds! Louanne Nielsen RE/MAX North Professionals 802-655-3333 X17 800-639-4520 X17 802-655-3333 X30 800-639-4520 X30 oceans and finally met in Vermont. That was all we needed to decide to live togeth- er. Of course, there were all the usual fears and doubts when leaving your country, family, and friends to make a new start in a place where you don’t know anyone and speak the language only to a certain degree. But I did it, and I’m exactly where I want to be, with whom I want to be. The fears are never really gone, but they don’t shape my life - my hopes do. The age dif- ference is one of Jon’s main concerns, but it has never been an issue to me. I’ve never stopped to think about it. I have good friends who are 19 and friends in their mid-fifties, and I can’t say what they all have in common. There’s just chem- istry that works between us. They all have their qualities and flaws that makes a coher- ent whole. As people have this balance in their personalities, they achieve the same kind of bal- ance in physical attributes. I have met people with mental deficiencies who were extremely captivating through their warmth and good heart. I have read accounts filled with contagious joy, hope, ' and lucidity, written by people who cannot leave their beds. Just think of all the things Stephen Hawking has accomplished without command of his own body neck down. Even in the worst situations, you learn to. live with dignity when you realize you are not alone and have something only" you can give the world. 0 Death is something I don’t think about. As an atheist, I don’t expect to find anything on “the other side”. Everybody is going to die: you, the ones you love, the ones you hate, not necessarily in this order. What’s the chance l’ll die tomorrow? What about in the next few months? If ultimately each and every one of us will die one way or another, why bother with statistics? There’s no way I’m going to choose friends or lovers based on how long they might live, though I try to make sure they exhibit life signs when we first meet. Finally comes sex. I don’t want to make too public a statement lest Jon become full of himself and start to brag, but frankly, sex has never been bet- ter. I’d say I’ve become much more sexual since I met Jon. Personally, I find monogamy a big turn-on; it’s not sexual per- formance but the idea of inti- macy, belonging. Having sex now is like having the circle closed, achieving a state beyond a physical discharge. I have often heard this from my female friends, but it is diffi- cult to find the same attitude in men. Having said it all I will fin- -ish by saying that after nine months, the only thing that still stands between Jon and me is Vermont’s glacial winter. Wouldn’t I look good in a mink coat? (Ooops, I mean a down parka!) Carlos Nakamura was born in S50 Paulo, Brazil in 1966 and has lived in Vermont since 1999. He is a former dancer, a licensed architect, and current- ly a graduate student. V jfjjjjjjjjjjjjfi , INDEPENDENT TAX SERVICE, INC L..- I 0 Professional Service Three (anvenient locations: : - Ileasonallle Rates 0 6 Hinasburg, I I _ Individual, amine“, O Mechanitsville Road I I Partnership and - Burlington, I Corporate returns OFF OUR FEE (ham Mill I - Bectronic filing L £ H £011: C3“ 15 - Jeritho, Route I5 I I e are e ruary I I ACT NOWAND SAVE! CALL 863-2271 I W7c malzc complex IRS rules understandable. 802-453-6677 fax 802-453-6685 dlescoe@together.net PO Box 42 42 Trillium Lane Starksboro, VT 05487 % Investment Adviser Representative of. and securities offered through Tower Square Securities. Inc.’ Member NASD/SIPC ‘Not affiliated with Choice Financial Services JACQUELINE MAI-‘IINO Senior Associate REALTOR® (802) 878-0095 EXT 23 BUS., (802) 878-6288 FAX (800) 488-5609 TOLL FREE jackie@together.n_et E-MAIL Each Otfioe is independently COLDIIIGLL BANKER D REALTY MART 288 WILLISTON no WILLISTON, VT 05495 Owned And Operated.