ms

18 -- OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS — Ocroaep. 1999

.FA|TH

® rairn Matters s. coming-out Matters

MATTERS

BY THE REV.
CHRISTINE LESLIE

in the summer » of 1969,

between my junior and senior
year of high school.

At the time, I had no names or
explanations for what I was feel-
ing when I fell in love with anoth-
er girl I met at a summer program
for “gifted” Georgia teenagers.
This eight-week program provid-
ed us an opportunity to test-drive
going to college. I lefl home a
naive girl, who had dabbled in
things sexual with two different
‘boys, and returned an awakening
young woman filled with confus-
ing longings I didn’t know were
possible, let alone know how to
talk about or manage.

What made it really difficult
to cope was my folks’ decision to
vacation as a family after I came
home from the program. I didn’t
want to get on an airplane and go
to the West Coast for three
weeks; all I wanted to do was
stay home andtwait for Terry to
call and ask me to do something
with her. I simply didn’t know I

I began my coming-out journey

was in love with her. Once we
were on the West Coast I was
cranky and crabby; I just couldn’t
explain what was going on for me
to myself, much less to them.

When I think about the start of
my coming-out process, I ache
for us all.

All of this made my senior
year of high school a mixed bag
of shining, public accomplish-
ments darkened by my private,
inexplicable loneliness, confu-
sion,‘and desperation. I even had
a nightmare that kept repeating
that year: I was inside a coffin
with a window over my face. I
could see out so I knew I was not
dead. However, I was unable to
speak, so I had no way of yelling
for help. I can still feel the terri-
ble constriction in my throat from
that dream to this day.

My parents were so proud of
me when I was accepted to the
University of Cincinnati’s
College Conservatory of Music
on scholarship in the spring of
1970. I never told them I had
applied there only because Terry
had applied to UC’s ballet pro-
gram. When Terry wasn’t accept-
ed I was devastated.

Ijust didn’t have the courage
to tell my folks I didn’t want to
go to Cincinnati if Terry wasn’t
going, too, especially since my
mother had confronted me one
night that spring when I was beg-
ging for the car so I could go see
Terry.

Mom was trying to tell me she
just didn’t understand what was
going on with me when she blurt-
ed out, “You treat Terry like a boy
treats a girl friend.” I froze inside.
I knew what she was saying was
true, and that it was something
not pleasing to her. I could tell
from her anxious voice that she
knew something I didn’t, and was
afraid to tell me for fear she
might be right.

I didn’t protest what she had
said. In fact, I sat in silence with an
explanation for what was happen-
ing to me. I wasn’t thrilled but I
was relieved. From that point on at
least I had an inkling of what I was
dealing with, even though I had
never heard the word “lesbian.”

During my first two years of
college, I spent a great deal of
time and energy trying to figure
out what to do with the informa-
tion my mother gave me that

I'-"----"'""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'I

your neighbor,

your gym,
your doctor,

your dentist,
your therapist,

Donor Name (or Anonymous)

Address
Phone
[I One Year ($20)

New Subscriber Name
Address

City

Make checks payable to Mountain Pride Media, and send to:
OITM, PO Box 1078, Richmond, VT‘ 05477-1078

 
    
 

You know who needs
a subscription to OITM.

riends,

our out-of-state

your high school
guidance counselor,

your mom...

El 2 Years ($35)

El Low Income ($iO)

VERMONVS FORUM FOR LESBIAN GAY

' UT IN THE MOUNTAINS

State

l  not donate one...or two?

Zip

BISEXBM. AND TRANSGENDER ISSUES

L___—_________________________________J

night in the car. When I fell in
love with Lori and became lovers
with her in the spring of 1972, I
finally understood. I had come
home to myself, and if it meant I
was a lesbian, then so be it. Little
did I know at that time it would

take me 21 years to come to
terms with being lesbian.

Although successful in my
professional life, I struggled for
from failed relationship to failed
relationship until, in the summer
of 1993, I finally realized I had to
stop asking someone else to love
me more than I loved myself if I
was ever to be happy personally.
So I went to work on why I did-
n’t love myself — and was that
hard work! Once I could embrace
all of me, including being les-
bian, with love, gratitude, and
delight, I could devote myself to
being out about who I am, wher-
ever I go, to whomever I am with.
It’s also made it possible for me
to be happily married to Martha
Dyson these six years, with many
more to come!

My parents may not have been
able to help me when I was com-
ing out, but they had raised me
with a positive and loving under-
standing of God. Had they not, I
just can’t imagine where I might

   

Practice limited
to male clientele

 

be today. Coming out and coming
to terms with being lesbian was
hard enough as it was. I-lad I had
to grapple with a damning and
hateful God, I probably would
have been dead by now. Coming
out and coming to tenns with our

When I think about the start of my
coming-out process, I ache for us all.

sexual orientation is the process
of internalizing the truth that
from love we are made and for
love we are meant, “no matter
what our plumbing is,” as my dad
likes to say.

Coming out will matter as
much as it does until the day no
one has anything to come out
about. What I would give to see
that day while still on this side of
eternity!

In the meantime, I will contin-
ue to support and encourage
those in the coming-out process
with a faithfulness that matters as
much as the process itself,
because from love we were made
and for love we are all meant. V

Rev. Christine Leslie is
founder and director of Triangle
Ministries, A Center for Lesbian
& Gay Spiritual Development
near Burlington. She-can be
reached at (802) 860-7106 or
revcsI@aol. com.

802-453-6677

fax 802-453-6685

dlescoe@together.net
PO Box 42

42 Trillium Lane

Starksboro, VT 05487

as

Investment Advisor Representative
of, and securities offered through
Tower Square Securities. Inc.‘
Member NASD/SIPC
‘Not affiliated with Choice Financial Services

THERAPEUTIC MASSAGE
William Coil, NCMT

 

"802-658-2390
800-830-5025

PRIMARY CARE IN FRANKLIN COUNTY

Mara Vijups, M.D.
Family Practice Specialist

NMC Rural Health Services
Caring for Adults & Children

Enosburg
933-583 1

Swanton
868-2454

East Fairfield
827-3032