14 — OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS — Auousr 199; -TWENTY . The wav Wewere. llml Are SOMETHING BY THOMAS HENNING omeone recently asked me S whether the boy I once was would be proud of the man I have become. I thought it not only an interesting question, but a potential article. Thus, pumpkins, I give you my answer. To the witty, charming person with the clever conversation skills, I thank you for the inspiration. Would the boy I once was be proud of the man I have become? As a boy I was homophobic, puritanical in thought, and vitri- olic in judgement. My father knew everyone and my mother spoke to everyone. That meant there was never anything about our lives that people did not know or comment on. It was stressed that one should behave in a manner that society finds acceptable and — more important- ly — values. This meant impecca- ble manners, an ability to smile when in pain, charming wit and observation, and a survival instinct that always ensured a seat at The Table. The boy I was grew up believ- ing there is one right way to live and only one acceptable dream to follow. The boy I was grew up Ralph Lauren ad believing everyone had a place, a mark they needed to hit. For example, in my family, I am the mover and shaker. I was brought up believing that my social skills and mind were my strengths. I was valued for the attention I received or for how well behaved I was. In turn, I never believed I was attractive or had a right to be attractive or sexual; those were another brother’s strengths. I always felt ugly, undesirable, and unworthy of attention. On the flip side, I could dish attitude and opinion like a debutante choosing a dress for her introduction to society. The boy I was believed you The boy I was believed you were supposed to live like a were supposed to live like a Ralph Lauren ad. You looked a certain way, spoke a certain way, lived a certain way, and that way was the only correct one. That boy was scared of the out- side world and clutched his safe, sterile space with white knuckles. On the flip side, the same boy secretly envied those in that outside world — those who just were, no apolo- gies or explanations; those who lived as they saw fit by their moral standards, not their neigh- bors’. So would the boy I was once be proud of the man I have become? Yes and no. Yes, the boy I was once would be proud of the man I have become: the man who does not apologize for being who he is or for believing what he does; the man who could walk into a room and be confident of what he has to say. He would be proud that I grew up to be someone with prin- ciples, compassion, and promise for a future of success and fulfill- ment, someone who believes in community, family, loyalty, and dedication. I have a generous heart and giving nature, and yes, the boy I was once would be proud of me. Then again, no, the boy I was would not be proud of the man I am. The boy would be disap- pointed that, just as I was taught, I use my vitriolicjudgements and wit to lash out at those who threaten me. The boy would be upset that I still give those demons power over me, still give credit to those voices that try to hold me back, and still belittle people or push them away as a basic survival instinct. He would not like that I still am intimidated by intimacy, haven’t fully real- ized that I deserve to be loved, and let those fears take control of me. Truth is, he would have every right to be upset. So no, the boy I was once would not be proud of the man I have become. I think our younger selves always walk with us and remind Happy ioth Birthday Outright! fifigfll .\lc2isi11‘i1ig Siicccss (0)116 lii\'e.