16 — OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS — JULY 1999 Breaking the Cycle PMIT Ill IIIIIIEIISTMIIIING Mlll STOPPING ABIISIIIE Billlllllflll BY LAURA MILLER letter to the editor in response to the first installment of this series suggested a shift in focus from the psychology of the vic- tim to that of the abuser, and that it “hold abusers accountable for their own behavior.” In calling attention to the potential “victim- blaming” language in Part One, the point was well made. However, ‘ literally focusing on. the psychology of the abusers, as it turns out, is easier said than done. This is because it is usually the victim, not the abuser, who seeks help; as a result, psychologists still don’t know much about abusers. ~ The problem is that, as part and parcel of being abusive, abusers tend not to be willing to hold themselves responsible for their own behavior. “Every now and then, I get someone in therapy whose wife has insist- ed that they get help with their abuse prob- lem. They usually leave after a few sessions,” says Dr. Louise Miglionico, a Burlington psychologist, “and I have never had someone call me and say, ‘I’m beating my wife or my partner, can you please help me stop?’” As for court-mandated coun- seling programs, they tend to be short in duration, poorly super- vised, and ultimately unsuccess- ful; about 85 percent of batterers who go through such counseling eventually return to their abu- sive ways. This dearth of meaningful contact with abusers has left therapists and criminologists unable to do much but speculate about what makes abusers do what they do._ 5'-'!39ll3M ‘S’ ‘ll|93|| Theories of Abusive Behaviour There are many theories that attempt to explain what makes people commit violence within their intimate relationships, but none of these theories have yet VT DEPT. or HEALTH BEHAVIOR SURVEY JUNE’S Lucxv A RAFFLE wmman ~ #89691 37 #8969055 AIDS HOTLINE 1-800-882-2437 provided a satisfactory explana- tion. In its early exploration of the nature of aggression, the neuro- logical theory claimed that abusers suffer from a brain disor- der and have a neurological dis- position towards violence. But it did not explain why abusers often target only their intimate partners and only under certain conditions, or how they conceal their violent natures from the general public. The sociological feminist the- ory blames reliance on violence as a control mechanism in our patriarchal families and society. This is a tempting theory, since the majority of abusers are men beating women, and since soci- ety has been slow to react to domestic violence. But it fails to explain why most men, in spite of these influences in society, don’! beat their wives. It also cannot account for domestic vio- lence within same-sex relation- ships. Social learning theorists posit that abusers are abusive because they were abused or witnessed violence during their childhood. This is also a tempting theory, since most abusers do have a childhood history involving abuse. However, one study of the public at large estimates that only 40 percent of those abused as children go on to become abu- sive themselves, making child- hood ab_use an indirect cause at best. One recent theory proposed by Donald G. Dutton in The Abusive Personality is that there is an abusive personality type closely related to what psycholo- gists call “borderline personality disorder.” Dutton groups abusers into three categories: overcon- trolled, generally violent (psy- chopathic), and borderline/cycli- cal. "Psychopathic batterers usual- ly display “a lack of capacity to empathize; a tendency to use vio- lence for control and instrumen- tal gain; "and frequently, a history of antisocial actions and crime.” In fact, their use of violence is so instrumental in nature that their heart rates actually decline dur- ing heated arguments. Overcontrolled abusers “deny their rage while experiencing chronic frustration and resent- ment,” and actually try to avoid Cheryl A. Gibson M.D. Susan F. Smith M.D. wonnizficnoicn GYNECOLOGIC ASSOCIATES conflict. They are passive, dependent, often passive-aggres- sive, and rather infrequent abusers; they are a risk for spousal homicide. But it is the third category, cyclical, that most abusers seem to fall into. Most former victims describe their abusers as having a “Jekyll and Hyde” personality that goes through regular cycles and that is generally concealed from everyone except their inti- mate partners. That description is inconsistent with what is known about both psychopaths and overcontrolled individuals. Cyclical batterers, by contrast, “have abuse that is frequent, predatory, and confined to their intimate relationship. They appear ‘nonnal’ — even likeable — in other relationships. They are hard to detect, and they are dan- gerous.” This category is the focus of Dutton’s work. A Dangerous Cycle Dutton, who has worked with a large number of assaultive men, believes that “borderline personality organization” is the one designation in the DSM-IV that most accurately describes the personality of the cyclical batterer. Individuals with BPO suffer from regular states of anger, anxiety,’ or euphoria, mood shifts that cannot ‘be attrib- uted to external factors; waver- ing energy levels and irregular sleep cycles; recurring self- destructive thoughts and a ten- dency to redeem moody behavior through self-derogation; a preoc- cupation with securing affection; fear of abandonment, isolation, and loss; and a tendency to feel conflicting emotions toward oth- ers, most notably love, rage, and guilt. Says Dutton, “If you change criterion 3 to read, ‘redeems moody behavior through derogation of a signifi- cant other,’ you would have a description of wife assaulters.” Indeed, it is the habit of “vic- tim-blaming” that is perhaps the hallmark of cyclical abusers. Unlike psychopathic abusers, cyclical abusers do actually have some feelings of guilt. Since these “pangs of conscience” are painful, abusers find any of a number of ways of reconstruct- ing what they have done and deflecting responsibility onto the victim. Abusers tell themselves 23 Mansfield Avenue Burlington, Vermont 05401 802-863-9001 Fax: 802-862-9637 and their victims things like “there’s something about you thatjust brings this out in me” or “I wouldn’t be such a bitch if you just lost some weight.” Cyclical batterers and people with BPO share a tendency to go through cycles; in fact, several years ago, BPO was referred to toonooonooonocoooooo dangerous. as “cyclical personality.” For cyclical batterers, there are three main stages. In the “tension-building” first stage, the abuser is often moody, nitpicky, or verbally abusive. Next comes the battering stage, in which unexpressed irritability explodes into an abusive outburst. The battering is followed immediate- ly by the “contrition stage,” in which the abuser begs forgive- ness, promises to go to AA or be sober, gives gifts, wants to make love, and declares undying love and devotion. Once the victim returns, the cycle begins again. Another common trait to both BPO individuals and batterers is separation anxiety. People with BPO suffer from intense separa- tion anxiety, “dreading potential loss while chronically anticipat- ing it, ‘seeing it happening, when in fact it is not.’” Most wife- beaters Dutton has worked with respond most emotionally to hypothetical scenarios in which they perceive abandonment, as when a wife announces to her husband that she wants to visit a nearby town for a long weekend with female friends. The batter- ers, according to Dutton, “per- ceived the man [in this scenario] as being humiliated by the wife’s demands,” while healthy men “hardly even saw them as demands.” Finally, both BPO sufferers and abusers have difficulty. main- taining strong, clear self-images and often depend upon relation- Cyclical abusers appear ‘normal ’— even likeable — in oth er relationships. They are hard to detect, and they are ships to define themselves. As a result, they place unrealistically high demands upon both their relationships and their partners; when their demands are not met, they can react as if their very lives are threatened. Dutton believes that the roots of abusers’ problems lie in very early childhood. He speculates that most batterers were not only abused, but grew up in atmospheres where their very souls and identities were threat- ened. In his discussion of object relations theory, which focuses on an infant’s early maternal attachment, Dutton turns to the work of David Celani, a published scholar and psycholo- gist practicing in Winooski. Celani devoted much of his The Illusion of Love to the topic of domestic abusers. Dutton’s dis- cussion of an identity-threaten- ing environmentvis also similar to that described in Elan Golomb’s Trapped in the Mirror: Children of Narcissists and Their Struggle for Self. All of these books indicate DOMESTIC, PI9 (802) 254-8032 Michael Gigante, Ph.D. Psychosynthesis Counseling, Psychotherapy, 6' Consultation 15 Myrtle St., Bruttleboro, VT 05301 email mgigante@together.net V 2 Church 50, Burlington sliding foo scale . flfeminisi Therapy Leah Wiflonberg Licensed Mental Health Counselor Psychotherapy for individuals and couples (802) 865-4568