, Love or Nothing

by Hugh Coyle
for A. Caston

I call our house a hive, not for the wasps
that hover along the eaves on hot days

or the honeybees darting from lilac

to apple out back, but for ourselves:
Bradley, Ben, and me, William ——

three men with HIV, a housing grant,

and medicaid subsidies. The windows

of our four—bedroom building

look east into urban sprawl, west

toward a cemetery where deer drift about
in the evening, peaceable spirits.

The tallest monuments rise in the middle,
cracked granite phalluses. Around them
cluster lesser stones, plain white slabs
and sunken markers. With binoculars,

I can squint to make out carved crosses
and inscriptions, last names mostly,
never Christian names or dates.

I’m the one who’s lived here

longest, the one whose wheelchair

hums down ground floor hallways

to answer the doorbell, the phone, the call
of nature. Bradley and Ben have rooms
above mine, but mostly spend days
downstairs with me. They sometimes sleep
in the fourth upstairs bedroom,

the empty one we’ve come to call

“Hope.” Some days my friends drop

by with casseroles, might stay for a quick
round of Hearts. They ask me about Ben,
the most recent resident, and his progress
with protease cocktails. I tell them he’s fine,
no signs of resistance, but they really want
to know if he sleeps in the nude, if his cock
swings right or left, if he still has unprotected sex.

Some nights our living room is crowded
with Bradley’s activist friends, thick with
the pungent stink of their magic markers
and spray paint. Our tongues get all sticky
and dry with the minty adhesive

of envelopes. Loud music pulses

around us, mostly dance mixes.

“Adrenal enhancers,” Ben likes

to call them. “Sonic stimulants.”

I love Ben.

I love the way he slips his pills -

into tapioca, winks and licks his lips

as he raises the spoon. I love the fact

that he walks around naked each morning
and practices kick-boxing while watching
the TV talk shows. I love his pierced nipple,
the thin hoop of gold his dead lover

left there. I love that he lets me

wheel him around in my lap, that we dance
that way when we’re alone and feeling

all cooped up and crazy. I love seeing him
as a killer queen among drones, strong

in spite of adversity, the one sting

I’d die for.

I may be

senseless below the waist, but I believe

in the generosity of gods, in life

after death, in love despite affliction.

When I close my eyes and listen

intently, I can hear the bees upstairs

building their combs, cell by cell in the walls.
I can see Ben sleeping beside them, and send
my soul up to curl and settle like smoke

in the curve of his stomach. It spreads across
his chest, between the thin brown hairs

that cover his heart, and trembles slightly.

I believe that dreams do outlive us, do last
beyond the body. Even as my spirit lifts
above him and dissipates, some trace

will linger. It’s love that keeps it there.

It’s either that, or it’s nothing.V

“The drag musical community
spawns its most intriguing performer
since RuPau| in the form of wildly
charismatic Vermont-based tunesmith...

~\\\
§
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Ill 9/l ah *5 "  

‘Magazine, 6/20/98

—'> YOLANDA is releasing her first CD project with her
fabulous band The Plastic Family. The CD is entitled

—-> YOLANDA & the Plastic Family...
Welcome to YOLANDA WORLD

’ YOLAN DA needs YOU to make this project a successll

receive an autographed photo ol YOLANDA and her now lamous
bumper sticker “YOLANDA IS MY C0-PlLOT" tree ol charge.

3l”|'933 are payable to Roger Manes to:
Vfll.ANl1II'8 8|) Project, P0 Bax
l|l|0flB____H.._ 812, Burlington, VT 05402
9m3“  0|‘ contact 888-484-5853,

# ol fills or'deI'etlj___;_ littn://www.sovr-.net/~asnIy

http://www.sover.net/~asp|y

An evening of fabulous food
prepared by
chef Brenda Biddle

fazz standards by
Peter Tavalin and Ca y Maxwell

At the home of Diana Blngham

otIoq[.1eI,\I ut qn[3 Jaddns

T0 BENEFIT THE .,,
BRATTLEBORO AREA AIDS PROIECT §
e
Friday, fuly 9 at 7PM Lg
Tickets $55 E
RESERVATIONS REO UIRED 

your subversive message here.

It you order NOW you will receive the low, low pre-production price of
$10 lor 12 original YOLANDA songs. Each pre-production order will

"3" :___e_.__..send a $10 check or money order-