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22 — OUT IN THE MOUNTAINSA — MAY 1999

Finding a Way Out

PART II III‘ ll IIIIIIIE FIIII VIIGTIMS [IF Il0MES'|'Il}”llIfllENflE

BY LAURA MILLER

any present or former
victims of domestic
abuse have found psy-

chotherapy immensely helpful.
While victims don’t cause the
abuse they suffer, some find they
seek out or stay in abusive rela-

‘ ts, tionships for reasons
they do not understand.
A psychoanalyst can
help some victims find
those reasons.
Therapists can also
help victims recognize
when and how they are
being abused, and real-
ize that they are not to
blame. Many abuse
victims are self-confi-
dent and emotionally
healthy, with little or
no need for extensive
psychotherapy — unlike
their abusers.
However, being a vic-
tim is a traumatic expe-
rience, and a therapist
can help victims over-
come the anxiety and

  

 

depression that can
result.
The thought of

seeking professional
help can be daunting.
Many victims worry about
expense or ending up with a ther-
apist who does more ham1 than
good. GLBT victims in particu-
lar may worry about being
“pathologized” by homophobic
therapists who will not under-
stand their problems or respect
their relationships.

While these concerns can
seem overwhelming, they can be
overcome. "Many health insur-
ance plans provide at least partial
coverage of counseling.
Moreover, many therapists will
negotiate an affordable hourly
rate or employ a “sliding scale”
based on income, especially if
your insurance does not cover
professional counseling. All ther-
apists are bound by doctor-
patient privilege, which means
you should not have to worry
about being “outed.” Finally,
plenty of therapists, both straight
and gay, are accustomed to work-
ing with patients in same-sex
relationships and will not pathol-
ogize your sexuality. Ask GLBT
friends for referrals, or ask the
Same-Sex Domestic Violence
Subcommittee (see sidebar) for
their list of recommended thera-
pists. '

Another optiom especially if
you are worried about costs, is to
call your local community health
center. Most Vennont counties

have community health centers,

many of which maintain 24-hour
adult crisis hotlines. Such hot-
lines can not only provide emer-
gency counseling, but may also

be able to help you find low-cost‘

or even cost-free therapy.

Shop around and trust your
judgment when looking for a
therapist — if costs are an issue,
trytto see therapists who offer
free initial consultations. Make
sure any therapist you visit is
licensed by the state and disclos-
es his or her‘ qualifications to
you. Don’t hesitate toexpress
your preferences, and feel free to
leave any therapist who gives
you bad vibes. You will often
explore uncomfortable topics in
therapy, so it is important to find
someone who generally puts you
at ease, who feels trustworthy,
and whom you feel respects,
understands, and cares about
you. -
lfyou do seek therapy, under-
stand that you will not change
your abusive partner by undergo-
ing therapy yourself. Abusers do
sometimes seek therapy, but you
should not enter therapy with the
intent of helping your abuser or
“saving” your relationship. If

you do it, do it to save and pro-'

tect yourself.

There are other legal and
social services available in
Vermont to victims of domestic
violence, although none current-
ly cater specifically to the GLBT
community. The Vermont
Network Against Domestic
Violence and Sexual Assault
maintains a statewide 24-hour
hotline that connects callers to
support groups or shelters in
their area. The Vermont
Network, according to its own
official statement, “believes the
roots of violence against women
lie in the patriarchal structure of
society and the family, which
condones violence as a method
of control.” Accordingly, its pri-
mary focus is on battered women
and their children. Most Vermont
shelters can only accept female
victims, for reasons of security,
but hotline operators are trained
to help victims of both genders
and taught not to assume that the

sexual. . .

The Victim Compensation
Program, administered by the
Vermont Center for Victim
Crime Services, provides domes-
tic crime victims with counsel-
ing, compensation for medical
bills and lost wages, and trans-
portation to and from doctor’s
appointments and court appear-
ances. Eligibility for the program
requires that you have contacted
the police and they have found
that a crime occurred. Many
individuals in same-sex relation-
ships may be hesitant to involve
the police. Nonetheless, Diane
Zamos, a prosecutor with the
Vermont State Attorney
General’s Office, emphasizes
‘that the police should be contact-

ed if you are threatened by actu-
-al violence. Vemiont police are
instructed to put all crime vic-
tims in touch with the Victim
Compensation Program.

If you do not want to initiate
criminal prosecution against
your abuser, there are civil reme-
dies. Vermont’s Abuse
Prevention Act allows domestic
violence victims to obtain a civil
court order from ajudge, known
as a Temporary Relief from
Abuse order, which effectively
orders the abuser to stop the
abuse.‘ The purpose of a TRA,
which can be upgraded to a
Permanent Relief from Abuse
Order,-is to prevent further harm,
not to punish the abuser for past
acts. The Abuse Prevention Act
does not apply to casually dating
couples who have never lived
together in a sexual relationship,
but protects couples who are liv-
ing together or have lived togeth-
er, regardless of their sexual ori-
entation or gender.

Efforts are underway to devel-
op services specifically for
GLBT victims. The Same-Sex
Domestic Violence
Subcommittee of the Chittenden
County Domestic Violence Task
Force meets regularlyzto discuss
and advocate for specialized ser-
vices, and seeks support and
involvement from the GLBT
community. The Vermont Center
for Crime Victim Services is in
the process of launching an ini-
tiative called the Victim Services
2000 project to identify under-
served populations of victims
and improve services for victims
of all crimes. Jeri Martinez ofthe
Vennont Network points out that
part of the difficulty in providing
GLBT-specialized services is
that there are often not enough
GLBT volunteers, especially
male volunteers. For example, a
“safe house” in western
Massachusetts for male victims
of violence closed due to lack of
interest. The more interest and

*support the GLBT community
abusive relationship is hetero-

demonstrates for such endeavors,

-the better-such services will

eventually become.

In the meantime, if you are
‘not yet comfortable with seeking
outside assistance, there are pro-
tective measures you can take on
your own._ The Nashville,
Tennessee if Metro Police

"Department has published an

excellent “Separation Safety
Plan” that gives victims a check-
list of ways to prepare for vio-
lence. ‘For example, you can tell
neighbors about the violence and
request that they call the police if
they hear suspicious noises from
your house. You can leave your
car keys, wallet, and change for a
public telephone in a place where
you can easily reach them on a
quick exit. You can plan in

 

(800) 228.7395 M
- Victim Ciomlpensationl Program,

a (300) 750.1213

° Victim Services 2000 Project,

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24-hour hotline for domestic violence’ ‘ ‘ ’ ’

Vermont Center for Crime Victim Services '

' Same-Sex Domestic Violence Subcommittee,

Chittenden County Domestic Violence Task Force
Kim Selig, (802) 864-7423 x 2l3;
Charyti Reiter (802) 864-7423 x 20l

Vermont Center for Crime Victim Services
Stacie Blake, (802)865-7750

* ' “Separation” Safety Plan,” Nashville Metro Police Department
www.tela|ink.netI~policeIabuseIsafety_plan.htm

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advance where you will sleep if
you have to leave your house,
and leave extra clothes, money,
ID cards, and keys there. You can
open up your own post office
box, so you can receive mail
without your partner’s knowl-
edge and without having to go '
home. You can also try to avoid
arguments in "the bathroom,
kitchen, or garage, where sharp
objects or other weapons may be
lying about. Any of these mea-
sures increases the likelihood of
safe escape from violence.

You can also find advice,
solace, and companionship on
the Internet. Advocates for
Abused and Battered Lesbians
has an excellent Web site offer-
ing testimonials from former vic-
tims of abuse, key signs of a bat-
tering personality, questions to
ask yourself about your relation-
ship (applicable to gay male rela-
tionships as well), and links to
domestic violence resources
nationwide. You can also contact
the Vermont Network by e-mail
or via its Web site, which has a
link to the especially informative
Women Helping Battered
Women site.

However, e-mail is not confi-
dential; before you use your
computer at home, you should
read “How an Abuser Can
Discover Your Internet
Activities,” published by the
American Bar Association. The

ABA gives several tips on how to
“cover your tracks,” but no
method is foolproof; the best
way to avoid discovery by your
abuser is to use a computer at a
friend’s house or public library.

Keep in mind that physical
safety can be a very real issue.
One study on female victims of
abuse found that nearly 75 per-
cent of women treated for med-
ical emergencies received their
injuries after leaving their
abusers. It also found that
women are most likely to be
murdered when trying to break
off an abusive relationship or
reporting an abusive incident to
authorities. Unfortunately, no
similar ‘studies appear to have
been conducted on same-sex
couples or male victims, but you
and your friends should be aware
of the" very real dangers in
extracting yourself from the rela-
tionship.

It is not embarrassing, shame-
ful, or even unusual to be a vic-
tim of domestic abuse. Some of
our community’s best and bright-
est have found themselves in
abusive relationships, and stayed
in them for years before finding a
way out. If you are or have been
subjected to abuse, know that
you are not alone, and that many
individuals will help protect and
support you. Draw upon your
courage and reclaim your life.V

1