Same-Sex Domestic Abuse: A Guide for Victims PART IINE: llEl}llliNllINll llNll UNDERSTANDING llBl|SE BY LAURA MILLER . 60 0 you think I’m f—king D stupid?” she bellowed at her partner, who had just reminded her to roll up her car windows before it started to rain. “Huh? I mean, do you think I’m F——KING STUPID? I don’t think I even want to come home with you now.” This anecdote was related by a lesbian in Vermont who had recently broken up with her partner over this and other incidents of psy- chological abuse. A week later, they were back together — for the fifth time. Another ’ lesbian recounts numerous occasions of both psy- chological and physical abuse. She describes her former lover “slamming a coffee mug down and cracking a sink, kicking out and breaking one of the safety glasses on the oven door, pushing over a piece of furniture that she was renovating and because it wasn’t tum- ing out right, grabbing my neck with both hands and shoving me back then letting go, throwing things across the room at me, pulling out the phone wire and throwing the phone, slamming doors so hard the latch was bro- ken, yelling at me constantly for doing things the wrong way, or slamming closet doors so hard they all fell apa .” She was with this partner for five years. Domestic abuse in same-sex relationships may be one of the best-kept secrets in the GLBT community. The term “domestic abuse” tends to evoke images of working-class men beating meek, unassertive women, a relationship encouraged and condoned by the power imbalances of a patriarchal society. Enlightened feminists who regard lesbianism as some sort of liberation from male domi- Cheryl A. Gibson M.D. Susan F. Smith M.D. uvourzusicuolct GYNECOLOGIC Ass0_cIA_I£§ nation can scarcely believe that women are capable of abusing other women. But it happens. And it happens within male same-sex relations, too. David Island and Patrick Letellier, in their book Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them, argue that “[d]omestic violence is not a gen- der issue, since both men and women can be either batterer or victim. Domestic violence is a crime, and perpetrators are crimi- rials.” In truth, abuse knows no boundaries. It occurs among all races, classes, walks of life, and sexual orientations. In any rela- tionship, abuse can be strictly emotional, or it can be physical or even economic abuse —— as when one partner makes the other beg for money or withholds “allowance.” Studies indicate that domestic violence occurs within same-sex relationships with the same statis- tical frequency as in heterosexual relationships. About 25-33 percent of all relationships involve some domestic violence; factoring in relationships involving forms of psychological abuse, the percent- age would undoubtedly be even’ higher. Island and Letellier believe that “batterers suffer from a diagnos- able, progressive mental disorder,” while “[v]ictims, by and large, are normal people who are unfortu- nately in relationships with violent partners” and simply need to get out of the relationship. That may be true as a general rule. However, one must wonder about the people who stay in abu- sive relationships, either because they don’t recognize that they are being abused or because they sim- ply don’t believe that they deserve any better. Simply put, it should not take anyone five years to fig- ure out that they are in an abusive relationship and need to get out. But abusers often have an uncanny ability to manipulate vic- tims into coming back for more. In fact, key warning signs that some- one is or could become abusive are continual attempts to isolate a part- ner so that he or she feels there is nowhere else to go. 23 Mansfield Avenue Burlington, Vermont 05401 802-863-9001 Fax: 802-862-9687 Chris Wilder, in her essay “Imagining Battering in the Lesbian Community,” describes how an abuser often cuts off the victim from the rest of the world: “She will tell you how she hates your house, your car, your dog, your occupation, your friends. She will alienate your friends. You will lose those who do not love you. Those who do care will ask to see you as an individual without her. This will make her more angry. You keep trying to break up with her. Sometimes you separate for a while. However, when she sees you on a date with another woman, it’s an invitation to go afier you until you come back.” Burlington psychologist Dr. Louise Miglionico has worked with a large number of both gay patients and patients who have suffered abuse. She says that, almost without exception, people who stay in abusive relationships are people who are not in touch with their anger. Women in partic- ular are taught by society not to show anger or to feel anger. When anger is suppressed, it tends to be channeled into depres- sion and low self-esteem. Moreover, when one person in a relationship is incapable of feeling anger, she often needs the abuser to be angry for her. Thus, the abuser, in abusing his or her vic- tim, actually expresses that vic- tim’s anger. Such relationships are usually very frustrating for friends of the victim, who may try repeatedly to: convince the victim to leave it. As the victim goes through various cycles of abuse, he may repeatedly leave the relationship, reach out to friends, and then alienate those friends when he decides to go back to his abuser. Dr. Miglionico says it is not unusual for victims to turn on would-be rescuers. Staying in an abusive relationship involves a great deal of denial; many victims of abuse, in this denial, convince themselves that it is their friends, not they, who are the “crazy” ones.V ’ This series continues next month with guidelines for getting out of abusive relationships. =r~:“:‘ :4! Tut‘! -—- " I I: S‘ -;l5l~1/92 ---~ 3ld’.."”*ll owl ODTQIN HE MouNT'i\iirsJ L VERMONT'S FINEST Vitamin ( onnection ZX‘§Sg“,‘“5 ' ° ° ' . ° . ' . . . : Ktinwlridtgtialtlrlgz . Prolessiolral Service - Homcopothics - Books - Boot; Core - Pet Core . Open !\‘l(m-Sat I0-6 V 862-2590 ' l_8OO—7b0_3O2O Lower Main Street .Downt0wn Burlington Across From the Downhill Edge Mail Order Worldwide www.VitaminConnection.com -Q” San'K.VV0lf.RNiCCRN.TMP,CAP,Reikilll RBIEESE Fatigue and Pain massage/ myofascial therapies, reiki, deeptissue, aromatherapy. acupressure APRIL 1999"— 23"‘ 802.660.8396 Diane M. Felicio, Ph.D. mediator Trying to work it out and getting nowhere? 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