22 — OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS -.MARCH 1999. PWROGENY BY JACKIE WEINSTOCK LGBT people who are or want to become parents, or who have children in their lives through extended family, work, or other means. Questions that keep coming up are whether and why to come out to these chil- dren. The next questions are when and how they should do it. The thoughtfulness of these conversations and reflections has struck me. So has the pain and anxiety embedded therein. And so has the need for community support on these issues. l’m not a parent. While l’m “out” to many of the children in my life, l’ve left it to their parents to come out for me. l’m not advo- cating that; l’m just coming clean. Maybe it’s part of why I want to support others; I would have liked such support myself several years ago. I am a teacher, researcher, and writer who has studied parenting and parent-child relationships in LGBTQ communities. l’m con- versant with current ideas about supporting healthy development and about heterosexism’s impacts on our lives, our relationships with each other and our children, our parental self-images, and even whether we think we have a right to be parents. As someone familiar with the relevant research and counseling literature, I hope to be able to offer some support and guide- lines to folks in the form of these thoughts about whether, why, when, and how to come out to children. Whether and Why There are many individual, family, and contextual factors influencing the decision to come out to children. At bottom, it is a personal choice that must be made based on multiple factors. But I think we must also consider the issue of coming out to chil- dren as a political question; were lately l’ve been listening to Heads l’m out, Tails l’m In coming Out to IIIII‘ children: Whether. Wllll. When. and How? it not for our heterosexist system that privileges heterosexuality and traditional gender expres- sions, coming out would be unnecessary! Beyond that, l’ve noticed that some of our hesitations around coming out to children — and our reasons for not doing so — also ‘ reflect heterosexism. We’re afraid of hurting our children by coming out to them; some of us even fear causing damage by simply being involved in chil- dren’s lives as parents or care- givers. We know the larger het- erosexual community and the courts are concemed about chil- dren raised by LGBT people; sometimes we share these con- cerns. Our society does not ask whether a parent’s heterosexuali- ty may negatively affect a child. Instead, we assume that hetero- sexual parents can negotiate their sexualities and sexual lives in a way that does not interfere with parenting or their children’s development. In contrast, the courts and the public too often doubt that LGBT people can do the same. Specifically, they show three major concerns for our children. The first is that sexual identity - including gender identity, gen- _der-role behavior, and sexual ori- entation —— will beinegatively affected by LGBT parents; that ‘ is, that our children might turn out to be LGBT themselves. The second is negative effects on other aspects of our children’s development. Specifically, they worry that our children may develop poor self-concepts, poor psychological healthfand behav- ior problems. The final concern: while we might do ari acceptable job raising our children, our stig- matized identities and collective oppression makes it more likely our children will be stigmatized, ostracized, and teased, by their peers -— and their peers’ parents. Thus, our children will have dif- ficulties in social relationships. A fourth public and legal con- cern often gets thrown into the mix — that our children are more likely to suffer sexual abuse at our hands than at heterosexual ones. I won’t even dignify that one with a specific response. Instead, let me state clearly that e ooeoaoaa there is no validresearch evi- dence to support the legitimacy of this or the prior three concerns. Despite this, and despite the various ways we feel and express pride in LGBT identities, too many of us believe or at least fear the impact of these concerns on our families’ lives. We also fear — unfortunately, for too many, with good reason —- that hetero- sexual ex-partners may success- fully use our sexual identity against us in custody cases. And so some of, us learn to play it safe and not come out to children, to go back into the clos- et, or.to stay put if already there. But this decision itself can have negative consequences on us, our children, and our relation- ships. Not being out to our chil- dren means keeping a secret from them; that secret is more likely to , damage relationships and devel- _ opment than our LGBT identities themselves. It also restricts our access to social and community parenting support; we’re too busy looking over our shoulders. Indeed, the stress of being closet- ed is more clearly associated with poor parenting abilities and dis- tant relationships with children than our sexuality itself. On the other hand, if we are .out to our children, extended families, neighbors, and commu- nities, we challenge negative views of LGBTs. People need only to meet our children — who are as likely to be well-adjusted as the children of heterosexuals . -— to see the error in heterosexist beliefs about parenting. We also become more able to avail our- selves of parenting support groups and to form relationships with other parents, focusing on similar struggles as parents rather Our society does not ask whether a . parent’s heterosexuality may 3 negatively affect a child. than different sexual and/or gen- .der identities. All that said, I think if at all possible, we should come out and be out to our children. When For those who reach the above conclusion, there are still the questions of when and how. First and foremost, as various researchers and counselors have noted, it’s important to accept your sexual and/or gender identi- ty yourself before coming out to children. Your comfort level shows; if you’re uncomfortable with or ashamed of who you are, children will get that message. If you’re bringing newborn infants into your life as an LGBT- identifled person, I think it’s best to be out from the very begin- ning. You can’t have a conversa- tion, of course, but you can be yourself. Children will pick up on your love for them; they will also pick up on your sexual and/or gender‘ identity as part of you. When they’re older, it probably makes sense to talk with them more directly. But if you are out from the beginning, their first impressions of LGBT identities will be shaped by-you and your parental role rather than by soci- etal images of LGB'l‘s or by a sin- gle conversation. For those whose children are older when they come into your lives, or when you come to your LGBT identity itself, it does seem that timing and approach may impact children’s accep- tance and comfort with this infor- mation. Again, your self- accep- tance is key. So, too, is the way you share your sexual and/or gen- -der identity. If you confess a secret rather than share informa- tion, children may connect your LGBT identity with shame rather than just another part of who you are. It does seem better to inform children either in their childhood years or in late adolescence, rather than during early to middle adolescence. Children seem to cope better when the disclosure doesn’t coincide with their own struggles with identity and rela- tionships. I lean toward disclosure dur- ing childhood. I know some fear the information may overwhelm or even scare children who are too young. But various sources indicate that it is never too early to disclose your LGBT identity. Children take in what they can understand. You should tailor your disclosure to their develop- mental level, both in word choice and detail shared. But there does- n’t seem to be any minimum age. How Let me reiterate that there are multiple factors to consider in this whole matter. Besides cus- tody issues, potential negative work and societal consequences, and personal comfort level, chil- dren’s acceptance‘ of parental LGBT identity may well be affected by the level of accep- tance other significant people show. We can’t control other peo- ple’s reactions, norcan we keep other people from outing you before you can or do. My advice, then: tell children as soon as you are comfortable and able — and plan it. Planning ~ and practicing allow you to create a safe environment for this con- versation, anticipate the chil- dren’s needs and prepare for their questions. Don’t let the heat of the moment or someone else’s timing push you into this impor- tant dialogue. »wnxi¢.~.~m2u9mpm-sa2samaue