CROW’S

 

on Ilumiltv and
    nevolution

BY CROW COHEN

nce again, I am puzzling
0 over two seemingly con-

tradictory concepts,»
Humility is a dangerous notion
for women to contemplate.
We’ve spent too many years
being humiliated, intimidated,
made to feel inferior.

When I took my first steps
towards feminism, l was mar-
ried and had two little girls. I
loved the slogan, “Uppity
Women Unite” and had a t-shirt
made with those words on it. I
decided to wear it to a family
gathering without a bra. This
was a big deal for me. Later in
the evening, 17 of us were hav-
ing supper together. My ex-
mother-in-law leaned forward
from the other end of the table
and said, “Carol (that was my
name in those days), are you
wearing a bra?”

I was mortified! I can’t
remember what I answered, but
since that incident stuck with
me for 23 years, you can imag-
ine how embarrassed I was. I’m
sure I was bolstered up by the
bold image of my bra-burning
sisters shrilly protesting in the
streets.

A few years later I divorced,
came out as a dyke, and culti-
vated my fair share of bravado. I
screamed, “Castrate rapists!”
when we surrounded fraternity
houses during those early Take
Back the Night marches. I
spray-painted “Eat the Rich” on
the side of the unemployment

office in downtown Burlington.
I wrote bold articles in
Commonwoman newspaper
extolling the virtues of pot.

And then I crashed.

Courage based on bravado

9 was not a finn enough founda-

tion to get me through the pain

T here’s nothing
particularly
glamorous about
this sort of
courage. In fact,
most courage is
accompanied by
fear, which is no
, fun at all.

000000oonooluoooococoaooonlnoonoutooooutaaacoon

keeping my mouth shut when
one of my sisters is driving me
crazy because I’ve already told
her the same thing 20 times and
it hasn’t worked to change her
behavior. It means speaking up
in a roomful of dykes, knowing
that the next sentence out of my
mouth is about to make me
mighty unpopular.

There’s nothing particularly
glamorous about this sort of
courage. In fact, most courage is
accompanied by fear, which is
no fun at all. When I’m being a
blowhard, I don’t allow myself
to feel the ‘fear. My favorite
quote from Audre Lorde:
“When I am acting in the ser-
vice of my vision, then it
becomes less and less important
that I am afraid.” Notice she
doesn’t say that fear disappears.
She is just teaching us not to
dwell on it. Do you remember
the last time you woke up in the
morning full of pessimistic
thoughts and gently eased your

 way through the minefield of

of single parenthood, broken
relationships, lost jobs, and
ostracism by my community. I
kept expecting the Revolution
that would overturn patriarchy

"to happen any minute. Then I

wouldn’t have to deal with the
mundane losses of an ordinary
life.

Over the years I have had to
redefine courage. To me,
courage is based on knowing
that all I can do is my small part
(even when I’m not in the mood,
like writing this article tonight),
then let go of results. It means

emotions with a cup of tea and
your journal? That’s courage.

So I guess you can say my
notions of courage are much
more humble than they used to
be. Can courage based on
humility rev up enough energy
to spark Revolution? How the
hell do I know? (There’s anoth-
er form of courage — admitting
I don’t have all the answers.) All
I know is, without the more
modest forms of courage, I
probably won’t make it into
next week, let alone the next
millennium.V

OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS — FEBRUARY 1998 — 15‘

-9'"

San‘ K. Vlblf. RN; CCRN,TMP,CAP, Reiki lll
REIBESE FEUQUE and Pain
massagel myofascial therapies, reiki,
 deep tissue, aromatherapy, acupressure
 in Montpelienbyappointment 802-223-47l5

 
   

 

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