10 - OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS —- OCTOBER 1998 l BLACKWOOD AND ATTORNEYS AT LAVV ' Employment law - Education law - \Nills, Relationship Contracts - Small Business KRAYNAK P.C. - Commercial & Residential Real Estate legal services Eileen lvl. Blackwoocl Pamela Kraynak l3l Main Street PO. Box 875 Burlington, VT 05402 (802) 863-25l 7 Good legal advice can make all the difference. Langrock Sperry 8: W001 offers‘ the services of 22 lawyers with over 300 years’ combined experience in all areas of the law — including two lesbian attorneys with special expertise serving the legal needs of the g/l/b/t/q community Susan M. Murray C9’ Beth Robinson With offices in Middlebury and Burlington r%r Middlebury (802) 388-6356 Burlington (802) 864-0217 ' E-mail: smurray@langrock.com & brobinson@langrock.com LANGROCK SPERRY & WOOL ATTORNEYS AT LAW BY REV. CHRISTINE LESLIE for the first time that has helped me to address a life- long struggle. Until I heard this statement, being able to forgive myself and others has always been something I have had to work really hard to’do. (Yes, I recently heard something clergypeople struggle with‘ this, too.) This new definition of ”forgiveness” actually helped me to resolve a number of feelings I have held in side of me, some of them for a very a long time. The list includes things I have done to others, and things others have done to me. I have simply put them on the proverbial ”back burner” where they have simmered for months and sometimes years. This has not been helpful or healthy for me. Unresolved feelings of hurt, anger, guilt and shame (just to name a few) can literally eat us alive when left to simmer beneath the sur- face of our everyday lives. Like festering wounds, unresolved feelings of hurt, anger, guilt, and shame relatedto negative experiences in our lives can become real sore spots, that when bumped into, can cause Freedom to Marry Task Force Tables at the Fair continued from piigefizm fear displayed by this young person as she stepped back from the table. Her body language indicated an un- willingness for dialogue. We smiled and gently stated our respect for her religious beliefs while handing her our 3 pages of support signatures from ministers and rabbis in the state of Vermont for her to peacefully peruse. She tried to hide her surprise when she recognized the name of a minis- ter on the support list. Just that “one” seed of recog- nition might open this young woman’s mind to the reality of a Vermont Con- stitution committed to freedom and equality for its citizens. And under this deep commitment, “we seek only the freedom to enter into the civil marriage recognized by the state, and to take on the legal responsibilities and ben- efits that accompany such marriages.” She thanked us and left the scene, but not the experience behind. The next day some of our neighbors came over to_ show their friendliness by engaging us in gen- eral conversation. One woman who had been watching us for several hours from her booth used her break time to approach our table (actually she walked past us four times) and then immediately took one otourtask force pamphlets and proceeded to read through it. Once completed she concentrated on viewing our same gender couples photos on display on the back-wallboard. Finally, she looked at us and protested quietly by stating, “...but, I'm a womanll" (I wondered what she thought we were?) Then she added, “If this thing passes, will ALL of you get mar- ried? I don't think you should use the word ‘marriage‘,” she pleaded. This is where my heart always goes out to the uneducated and the misinformed. We had the correct approachand knew how to dialogue an answer of an ever-evolving institution explaining how change can improve and not threaten humanity in one of its cultural institutions. but the person express- ing such misguided thinking was at that very moment undergoing fear that immorality was involved in the recog- nition we were seeking. She was care- ful not to use the usual accusing phrases and we could detect a glim- mer of interest to learn what we could possibly say to help her understand. At the same time, all of us were hurt- ing on both sides of the table as we explained civil rights for all under the law. When we were met with fear, we felt pain and when we were met with anger, we felt sadness. We did our job out of dedication and excited interest, but the emotional “hits" were continuous. There was even shock when a community figurehead know- ing us well walked past without stop- ping to acknowledge us and sign the signature of support list. One of our colleagues was verbally attacked by a religious extremist screaming how he was a sinner going straight to hell. Was it worth it? You bet it was, be- cause we know our -“Gay 101 ...diver- sity in the g/l/b/t/q community mirrors diversity of society as a whole; we are everywhere, and are an important part of Vermont community." Vermonters are committed to equality and we ex- perienced their commitment. How do you think it feels when a grandfather hurries over to sign our support list while his two grandsons watch? Wonderful! One 13 year old grandson asked why his grandfather was signing a paper. The 7 year old grandson listened with his brother for the answer. The grandfather stated, “This is a paper showing the signa- ture support of all the people like me who believe that same gender people should have the same civil rights as we do.” A mother, with her husband and two daughters, came to sign her support and explained openly to her two daughters saying, “i am signing to support homosexuals and their right to marriage just as we have this right." She directed her daughters to “look at the lovely photos". Then she thanked us for this privilege of what is “just and right”. And her two daugh- ters thanked us, too. It was John F. Kennedy who said, “Peace is a daily, a weekly, a TASK FORCE, p20 Faith Matters & Forgiveness Matters us to behave in ways we often only live to regret, which only serves to make things worse. My inability to forgive easily has always bothered me and has added insult to injury making my dilemma doubly painful. Receiving this concept has been very healing, freeing, and helpful to me. I can't imag- ine I am the only person who has struggled with this di- lemma, so I thought passing it along to those who read ”Faith Matters” might find it helpful, too. This concept of forgive- ness goes like this: Forgiveness is giving up all hope that we will ever have a better past. I don't know about you but when I heard this and then began to survey all of the un- resolved feelings inside of me every last one of them had to do with something I wish I had never done or something I wish had never happened to me. As I began to apply this concept of forgiveness to each of them, I could feel the old, tired places in me breathe deeply. The tears began to flow as I finally was able to get it that the past is never going to change. Those things I did and those things that were done to me that I have never forgiven are never, ever going to be any- thing but what they were: painful, terrible, unfortunate negative events in my life. Holding on to the pain- ful feelings about them has done nothing but keep a part of me miserable and bitter. I believe the tears that I was fi- nally able to shed about the unresolved hurts and regrets in my life have to do with my need to grieve. Grieving is what we do when we finally let ourselves feel just how sorrow- ful we really are about what we did to hurt others. It also means we finally feel sorrow- ful, or sorry, for ourselves about the terrible things that were done to us. Yes, feeling sorry really is the operative process for com- ing to terms with legitimate suffering. Until I was able to say to myself, ”Chris, I am so sorry that happened to you...it wasn’tyour fault” and "Chris, I am so sorry you did that...I am glad you are finally accept- ing responsibility for what you did,” I wasn't able to give up hope that these events would ever be different. Until I did this, I wasn't able to stop nurs- ing my grudges, resentments, guilts, and shames. Until I did this, I wasn't able to live fully in the here and now of my life. Nursing grudges, resent- ments, guilt and shame is what we often do to avoid the grief work of feeling our sorrow in- side and out. Not grieving keeps us stuck in the past with all kinds of feelings that keep usfrom living in thejhere and the now. We often choose to stay stuck in the past, because somehow we think on some magical level that we if we do we can somehow make it dif- ferent from what it was. The past cannot be different from what it was. Only we can be different by whether we choose to forgive or not to for- give. And what a difference forgiveness can make in our lives. When we give up all hope that we will ever have a better past, then we are free to build a better future. Wounds that have been healed through this process become sources of wisdom on which we build better futures, and sources of compassion within us for people who carry similar wounds to our own from whom we used to run and hide. It will probably come as no surprise to hear me say that forgiveness and faithfulness go hand in hand. Being faithful has to do with trusting in pro- cesses that don't provide pre- determined answers. Its no co- incidence that practicing for- giveness is a process for which there is no pre—determined an- swer. We just don't know the outcome of practicing forgive- ness until we do it. I had no idea when I be- gan to integrate this new con- cept of forgiveness into my soul that a dam in side of me would break and I wouldfeel long-buried pain and anguish gush out of my soul like flood waters through a levy. Where grudges, resentments, guilts and shames used to roam in herds in side of me, I am now finding a fertile plain on which I am building a better future for myself. I am even begin- ning to have healing pools of wisdom where old, emotional wounds used to lie in stagnant puddles. Now that I know just how much faith matters and forgiveness matters, I can't imagine nursing grudges, re- sentments, guilts and shames the way I used to. Giving up all hope that I will ever have a better past really does make it possible for me to have a brighter future. Rev. Christine Leslie, the first openly ordained lesbian in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), is the founder and direc- tor of Triangle Ministries, A Cen- ter for Lesbian 8 Gay Spiritual Development near Burlington, VT. She is available for individ ual and couple counseling, commit- ment services, grief counseling, workshops, and retreats. She spe- cializes in the integration of sexual-identity formation and spiritual development. Contact her at 802-860-7106 or email her at nevcsl@a.QLco1n. Visit the Tri- angle Ministries web page at lLtIP_-'/lI]]f1IllZ(.’LS.[lQl._C_Ql1l[J'£ZZ(1Sl