I have imagined for a long time being an old man on a mountain, with people com- ing to me for help with their health, physical, emotional, spiritual. The old man on the mountain, that people pay with chopped wood, stuff from their gardens, and other forms of barter. I just turned 38 and started to experience the next phase of rnid-life crisis, which started when I turned 35. I have been questioning my life, my work, my relationships, my impatience, my desire, my purpose. Should I travel? Should I stay home? Is parenting right for me (I am ains CONSCIOUS AGING foster parenting my nephew)? Why am I single? Do I want a partner? Do I want to be polyamorous or monoga- mous? The answer to those "questions is...I don't know. I have been sitting with “not knowing.” That’ s not comfort- able for me. I have spent my entire adult life knowing what I wanted, knowing my direc- tion, and going for it. Now I am . having a very different experi- ence. I was visiting a friend who is also experiencing a pe- riod of uncertainty and he said a wonderful thing to me. He said that he had taken time to was a bunch of us. Worlds like Heterosexual, gay, lesbian, transsexual-queer-well, those words meant nothing to us kids. We had no ti_me to waste. The fun would be over soon enough. I'm not a kid anymore. I grew up and became serious. I threw all my dresses in the trash and grew a mustache. I went through therapy and sur- gery and changed my name. But I still find myself hiding in the dark on hot summer nights. Only I'm not playing kick the can. This isn't fun. The night is closing in on me and I can feel the chill through my thin cotton T-shirt. I just want to stand in a group, all of us laughing, so close we can smell the pine pitch on each other’s skin. All of us together, in spite of the details. I'm waiting for the sacred call. It was so easy then, when I was a kid. It could be so easy now. Sometimes I wish that I could come bursting out of the underbrush and run towards the tree with all my might and kick that can to free us all. But there's a there's a bet- ter way to end it. Ollie Ollie Oxen free. by Walter I. Zeichner look inside himself and ask what he was afraid of. What he found was an unhappy old man who hadn't done what he wanted with his life. I decided to do the same. I meditate most mornings so I spent some time sitting with my fear. I found a bitter, lonely, unfulfilled old man inside me, who had been afraid to go after what he wanted. That is not where I want to end up. Psychology often focuses on ”the child within” or a person's ”little kid." That can (be a powerful part of the pro- cess of learning to love and nurture yourself. But, what about the old person within? What about who you are be- coming? I spent most of my late teens and early 20's assuming that I would not live a long life, that we would soon be nuked into oblivion, so the idea of who I was becoming was not much in my awareness. Now that I am moving towards my 40's I see life very differently, and I realize that it is possible, even likely, that I will become an old man. Who is the old man I want to be? Iust as be- ing aware of the child I was is important to me emotionally, I am finding that it is also impor- tant that I look forward to where I am going, who I am becoming. This is not so much about where do I want to be DRAWING COMICS THE _ M (9 I173 BY l‘1R.RoaeaT M.K|RI!Y,A|('n51' IT'S NOT EA5Y....HOO Bo)’ !! I’/«1 TELLING YoU...MY HEAD IS FULL or so M¢NY AMAZING AND INSPIRED IMAG-£S..... As ALwAYs, TO msuae THAT ' QUALITY, I DOUBLE- CHECK EACH ASPECT oF EVEKY PANEL, EVERY woRo....1 Tusr cA~’T "C URBSIDEW" ENOUGH To ENSURE POOR Rt-:PRo1>ocT«oM /N MosT OF THE PAPERS ?? Does 17' Acmeve 7 MAxaMUM Cure/uess. ..«\..\ GOSH,I.T'S DIFFJCUT DECIDIMG oNJ’lIsT WHICH oF THEM To SET DOWN ON PAPER EVERY omen WEEK.’ I I Yes, I WANT You To KNow 1’HAT I TRULY Do SUFFER Fox MY I POKED MY Fmet-LR WITH MY rr REALLY HURTS! )(—Ac_To KNIFE... _ 14’ ‘.9 ME A Times- '2 I ONLY HAVE . 9&5 585‘ 25.! To ear THE srmr pone BY THE 7 DEAPLINE.... wuar A Lorm reassure I1 IT3 GIVEN 'Bw(; Henoncng, .. BUT I'LL MANAGE... 50MEfioI/U... «A/\,\, ...E5PEcmLLY WHEN I FINALLY snowrng ,,YouR Memenoms jug-r5oOBVIOUg_r1ow MANY TIMES HAVE 1;1'oLp / You To TRUST YOURAUDIE living when I am 90, or what do I want my finances to be like when I am 65, but who do I want to be, and am I living a life now that will allow me grow into being that old man? Living in the past or the future takes one out of the present. I am not suggesting that we spend all our time fo- cused on the child in the past and the old person in the fu- ture, but that these aspects of ourselves have gifts and teach- ings for us if we pay attention to them. Visualizing and dia- loguing with the inner child works, so why not visualize and dialogue with the old per- son within? The extent to which fear dominates one’s life is, I be- lieve, directly proportional to the amount of dissatisfaction one experiences. When I find the old man inside me, if he isn't who I want to become, if I am afraid of him, of ending up ”not OK" in some way, I need to talk withthat internal old guy. I need to face him and learn from him rather than run and hide from him. When we hide from aspects of ourselves then we are giving up the power to make choices about our lives. Gay and Lesbian people in particular have been told by this society that we are worth- less and that being queer re- sults in lonely isolation. Cer- tainly this does not have to be true, and part of creating the old age we want involves pay- ing attention now to the direc- tion in which we are headed. Walter I . Zeichner is a psy- chotherapist and Holistic Health Practitioner in Burlington, VT. He recently published the book ”Virtual Survival Staying Healthy on the Internet.” EVENTUMLY THou<'-H-1? NEVER KA/ow TUST wnm ok wH£RE— IT‘LL BEc_oME CLEARTO ME WHICH DIRECTION To TAKE twp I'LL BE READY 71> sec-.m.... K/\ BY Jove I '»-L ‘THINK I've Gar Ir] “_\\\\< - jEEZ—COULD You 651' Jusr A §g_‘['I"|°KE Slic- CHARINE HERE? MD This ATTEMPT AT 5ocIAL COMMEN- TARY :5 gguwz. OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS — SEPTEMBER 1998 — 5 The cranes Are Pushing Thirty Again. ALVERTA PERKINS, AGE 74, So. BURLINGTON The Crones, a group of women over the age of 40, has been meeting in the Burlington area since 1979! It was started because "older" women were active in community concerns, but were finding that most of their activist friends were much younger than they and they felt a need to connect with other women their own age. Two women actually started the group by advertis- ing in the women's newspaper called, "COMMONWOMAN" (no longer published) in 1979. A few other women soon joined and the Crones meet- ings began. The first group in- cluded heterosexual, bisexual, and lesbian women. The minimum age was set at 45, but was dropped to 40 at the request of younger women. Conflicts arose quickly between the lesbian and heterosexual women. The lesbians did not want to spend time talking about husbands or boyfriends and the hets were ’ not very interested in lesbian concerns and found the lesbi- ans intimidating, so they dropped out. At first, meetings were held monthly in members’ homes. Over the years, the for- mat has changed, and now The Crones meet less often and plan activities around such things as a movie outing, a walk/hike, canoeing, swim- ming, snow-shoeing or just a "hang-out" potluck. Food is almost always present; they do like potlucks! The group continues as lesbian and bisexuals. It serves an important role in being a social time for women over 40 and a place for newcomers in the community to meet other old (older) women, and at these gatherings women can learn about community activi- ties and resources. It is difficult to meet peers in a new commu- nity or even if one has lived in an area for many years. The bar scene is not ac- ceptable to many and Burlington lacks a women's center. Ages now range from 40 to 74 and attendance ranges from 3 persons to 34. It is not a political group , as such, but individuals are political in their own lives and this may become a topic of discussion at a meeting. CRONES, p26