ake it from me, gentle readers, raising con sciousness is hard work. Particularly in these parts, where the population is sparse and a certain narcotic olitical correctness remains unchallenged by active debate. The slumber of thought with respect to AIDS is especially deep, which is not surprising, as the realities one must wake up to are complicated, disturb- ing and highly subjective. But Vermonters living with HIV and those who treat them must nevertheless throw off the cozy blanket assumptions beneath which we have been encour- aged to snuggle and face some bracing facts. The fact is that people liv- ing with HIV are guinea pigs. It is a situation born of neces- sity, that we are routinely pre- scribed highly toxic drugs to slow the progression of our disease. For many of us, these drugs have proved successful, yet we cannot lose sight of the fact that HIV remains incur- able. We rely on the expecta- tion that new drugs will con- tinue to be developed for our use in delaying the onset of full-blown AIDS, and on the hope that we may continue to tolerate these drugs until a cure is found. Understand that ”toler— ate” has a different meaning for people fighting HIV than for the average citizen on the street. Our lives literally de- pend on being able to tolerate these drugs indefinitely, so we can't afford to be deterred by mere tummy aches, nausea, headaches, fatigue, diarrhea, loss of appetite, sleeplessness, nerve damage, diabetes or a host of other side-effects that would be viewed as intolerable by the average person. I had to put up with vomiting every day for two months before my doctor and I decided to give up on AZT and Crixivan. It is perhaps understand- able that the medical commu- nity in Vermont rates our cur- rent straits as less dire than those of PWA’s ten years ago, when swift progression to death was all but assured. But what they persistently fail to recognize, in my experience, is the psychological gravity of life on death row. Precious little is done to alleviate the stress of our situation. I have yet to meet avPWA in the state of Ver- mont, or anywhere else, who IV 0 II anna ASSUMES that he or she will survive the disease. Designer anti-depressants are handed out like Tic—Taes, but any at- tempts on our part to obtain prescribed sedatives are met with extreme and sanctimo— nious resistance. This Puritanical attitude towards prescribing poten- tially addictive drugs to people with HIV and AIDS makes no sense whatsoever. For one thing, the state of Vermont pro- hibits the distribution of more than one month's supply of any psychotropic substance at a time. This strictly regulated dispensation is a good thing; it makes the abuse of these sub- stances virtually impossible. Furthermore, the fact that pa- tients seek to alleviate their stress in cooperation with their doctors should not be dis- counted. It should suggest that we are not trying to get away with something, we are not try- ing to hoodwink anybody. If all I wanted was a cheap high, I could pick up the phone and get any drug I wanted within a few hours. But I don't. I care about my health and I'm not going to jeopardize my pre- carious well—being that lightly. But the fact remains that I am HDESURRECTING. p26 OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS — APRIL 1998 F 25 Susan McKenzie MS. Licensed Psychologist—Master Quechee 8 0 2 2 9 5 - 5 5 3 3 Insurance A<:~cepted—Sli