<-\._ 4-v>.«, 4 22 — OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS — APRIL 1998 _he Carol L. Thayer, M.D. Family Physician PERMANENTE ‘ Community 'HealthP|an NORTHEAST DIVISION Georgia Health Center RR#2, Box 1160 Fairfax, VT 05454 Tel: 802/524-9595 Fax: 802/524-2867 H KAISER Michael Gigante, Ph.D. Psychosynthesis Counseling 8* Therapy (802) 254-8032 15 Myrtle Street, Brattleboro VT 05301 Montpelier 2 2 9522 0 Burlington 860-6360 JOSIE JUHASZ, M.A. ' Lic. Psychologist - Master LYNN GOYETTE, M.s.. MA. Lnc. Clinical Mental Heaith Counselor 3% CouN5n.iNc. CENTER or NORTHERN VERMONT Slldmg fee scale insurance accepted 4. _ lM.D. HEALTHWORKER licensed advertiser for OITM V Serving 8 Supporting the GLBT Community (802) 865-9294 join us in pride. for 13 years. -I I I I 5%. II\ I I I I I FORUM FOR LESBIAN GAY BISEXUAL AND TRANSGEND RISSUES UT IN TH OUNTAINS I By subscribing now to Out in the Mountains, not only will you get delivery I to your mailbox (in an envelope), but you also help underwrite the rising I costs of publishing and distributing the newspaper. We welcome any I h’ her ' additional contributions you can mgke t W. tant publishing projects. Checks sh K Pride Media, and sent, along with this ‘OITM, POB 177, Name I Address, : - 3‘ 1 1 ;_.,._i. _ J _ State‘ pi V . _ : El 1‘y§axf($20.). Cl _2y‘éars ($35) ..l:I;Low mcorné‘($1Q) .' I III Co'ntri;bu|tion7 —s 5 ‘ -s ‘ * I To wnl I ’ner were available, What You Wish You Had Brought to the Second Date Instead of the Moving Van: Dr. Marny Hall is a San Francisco Bay Area psycho- therapist with twenty years experience specializing in les- bian relationships. In her book, The Lesbian Love Companion: How To Survive Everything From Heartthrob To Heartbreak, she tackles issues of lesbian re- lationships, sex, break-ups, rituals, and jealousy. ”I had had a painful break-up,” she told me in a re- cent interview, ”and decided to find some long-term couples who had managed to weather _ the difficulties that had under- mined my relationship. I was particularly interested in find- ing couples who had survived outside affairs.” She located a handful of long term lesbian couples and contacted them periodically over a number of years. She.asked how.they met, how their relationship pro- gressed, and how they handled difficult situations such as jealousy, conflict, de- sire, homophobia, work, and illness. ”I was searching for a formula,” said Mamy, ”but I didn't find anything. Then five years into this experiment, two of the model couples I had been tracking broke up. I had come to think of them as per- fect couples. I felt a bit shell- shocked but I decided that I would continue to interview both ex-partners. It was then that I found the answers I was looking for. Now the ex- part- ners started talking about their relationships in entirely differ- ent ways. One woman, who had said that she was really in lust now told me that they had never had anypassionate chemistry! Another woman used to say that her commu- nity of friends kept them to- gether; now she said that she never felt a sense of commu- nity! A third said she wanted to be with her partner until her breath -was no longer iniher " body. After the break-up she told me that even if her part- she __wouldn’t go back. These 180 degree turns made me realize. that so much of how we pro-‘ cess relationships is through the tales that we tell. The tales : I If I I I _ I ‘do all sorts of things—they cer- _ ' _ tif le itimac , the heal br — I _ _ Y 8 Y Y Q. . I ‘ ken hearts, and they explain, I _ if ‘ betrayals.” . ’ I . ,..,.; . After this revelation, LEM r . s ‘A’... -2 .5’. 5?$.'¢=‘,éé_v, °§‘ii?a°?4@ _o‘.’&io?. . .5: ; - .. Al6l6.6l6l6IéI6?6°-‘C "' ellbeing An Interview with Dr. Marny Hall by Esther Rothblum DYKE PSYGHE Marny Hall, author of The Lesbian Love Companion Marny decided to go back and reread the transcripts from the interviews she had conducted with the couples that were still together. Now she could see shifts in their stories too, over time. Their stories had kept them going through hard times. For example, if one part- ner had had an affair, the other discovered a motive that ex- plained everything. Perhaps the straying partner had been depressed about her job or an- gry at her partner. The affair had been a coded way of an- nouncing these dissatisfac- tions. In other words, the two partners collaborated on a story that turned an unpardon— able betrayal into a forgivable misdemeanor. By reconstruing the potentially damaging rev- elation in more positive ways, they were able to stay together. ”So I thought, why not think of more stories?” said Marny. Her book focuses on stories that provide alterna- ; tives to the ”master stories" ; about forever-after, about ter- rible betrayals, about bad times. ”If I could tell stories about small break-ups or trivial passions or benign other women then I could contribute » to partners’ flexibility and give them morevstaying power,”- Marny told me. Originally planned as a book about successful long- term couple relationships, The Lesbian Love Companion took on a life of its own. ”I love the story of ‘happily ever after,” Marny said, ”but we can tell other stories too. Everyday sto- ries about contentment instead of epics about do—or—die love affairs. Stories of downsized disenchantments instead of major dyke dramas. The first time you "realize that your lover snores and you love her anyway is not exactly a swash- buckling bodice—ripper; But it does qualify as a modest tale about a small turning point. Our lives are packed with all kinds of minimalist romances. We just have to tune ‘in to them. ”The same thing is true about sex,” Mamy continued. ”We’re all so familiar with the story about the earth’-moving sex. Butwe can tell a lot of dif- ferent stories about sex—main- tenance sex that depends on cultivating orgasmic habits, sex for comfort or fun, psycho-‘ drama sex that exorcises old ' demons. Even the fond sexual memories we share with ex- lovers is another form of sex. We might call it ex—sex. These