BY DIAN MUELLER never had a coming out party when I announced that I was bisexual 20 years ago. My lesbian friends tended to think I was copping out of saying I was a lesbian, or that I was really a heterosexual trying to gain entree into their commu- nity; worse yet, that being such a young woman, I simply hadn't made up my mind what I was. My straight female friends re- acted nervously at best, imme- diately putting up their guard A against unwanted advances, and my straight male friends just found it sexually titillating. But I was not hiding, or undecided, a sexual predator or an exhibi- tionist. I'd known since before I knew there was a word for it that I loved women and men with the same sort of passion and de- sire for intimacy. For years, I knew only two other bisexual women, both friends from high school who came out to me after graduation. I discussed two burning ques- tions with these friends: Does being bisexual automatically mean that you're non-monoga- mous, and what is a better word for this way of loving? The older of the two friends gave a re- sounding ”no" to the first ques- tion — she was a ”serial "mo- nogamist” — and so didn't give much thought to the second. I was surprised that my friend wasn't also non-monogamous, but later found this to be more of the norm. My subsequent ex- perience taught me that bisexu- als are predominantly monoga- mous with a primary partner, but occasionally have love rela- tionships with others — usually of the opposite gender to their partner's —- at the same time. If they are open and honest about it, this is non-monogamy; if not, they're just cheating. But what about this word, ”non-monogamy”? I never liked it because I didn't care for the constant comparison to some supposed norm, just as lesbians and gay men don’t call them- selves ”non-heterosexual.” Yet, this was the word I was stuck with for many years. The alter- natives polyandry and polygyny went out the window from the get-go, because they refer to a multiplicity of exclusively hus- bands or wives. Polygamy didn't apply to my situation, ei- ther: Although it now'means having more than one spouse at a time, it still tends to mean that those spouses are exclusively of the opposite sex, and it usually refers to a man having multiple wives. I am not a man, I don’t want to marry every person to whom I'm committed, and my lovers aren't all of one gender. I read through all the ”poly-” entries in my Webster's and found no term suitable to describe a person maintaining multiple committed relation- ships that didn't assume gender or marital status. In a way, this was a good thing. It fed my love for words and I tried to invent one to cover my definition. I never landed on one that was satisfactory. It was also a good thing because it furthered my philosophical debate about the nature of non-monogamy and whether it was necessary to in- volve marriage in order to ex- press a relationship’s level of commitment. And so I fumbled along, experimenting over the years. I watched friends of mine who said that they were monoga- mous, but who either weren't or were cheated on by their part- ners. I read the statistics of how many men cheat on their wives and vice versa. I once heard an anthropologist say that we are, on the whole, serial monoga- mists, which of course is not true monogamy in the sense of hav- ing one lover throughout life, the ideal of the white wedding dress _and church bells sort of mar- riage. It disturbed me that people were claiming to be mo- nogamous when they were not, and it disturbed me more that people were getting hurt be- cause their partners couldn't admit to not being the monoga- mous type. I was most disturbed by the sense of ownership that goes along with standard mo- nogamy: You are mine and I am yours, and I'd best not see your eyes stray. Without meaning to de- grade the experience for couples who are truly monogamous and happy that.way, what sort of love is it that is so possessive? It seems to me that it is a fearful sort of love, one constantly wor- ried that the love shared isn't strong enough to stand up to other loves entering the picture. It also strikes me that this sort of love places far too much depen- dence on one relationship to be the be all and end all in meeting our emotional needs. I came to the conclusion that polyamory —— loving mul- tiple people — is the natural and best way for me to love. Yes, I finally found the term that cov- ers my definition. It is notwith- out its challenges, but it fosters relationships where the partners come together on their own se- cure footing, not being overly dependent or possessive. It re- quires honesty and a letting go of jealousy, an acknowledgment that no one other person can sat- isfy all of my emotional needs, and an acceptance that allowing my lovers to fully express their love with others does not detract from but deepens the love they share with me. And in this age of increasing personal isolation, what better cure can there be for alienation than a treasuring and nurturing of bonds which ex- pand love beyond the bounds of a closed, nuclear unit out into a wider circle of intimates? OUT IN THE MouNTAINs -— MARCH 1998 - 5 Smfood mm’ Steak Tavern LUDLOV‘-"5 PREMIERE DINNER HOUSE _ Visit Our Web Page: http:/ ,-" www.sover.net ,5 ~..e:1foodl (802) 524-6135 Fnesn sarooo. Luncnes, Omens. Sescmnv Fooos. 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