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OITM, your community iorum ’ A (302) 865-9294 sue » ellbeing DYKE PSYCHE: themes in lesbian coming out stories by Esther Rothblum n‘ the 19705, a few psycholo gists began writing about the process of coming out. They thought about the experi- ence of coming out as consisting of predictable phases or stages that people went through in an orderly way. A few years ago, a group of heterosexual, bisexual, and lesbian graduate students and I met to read and discuss popular books of lesbian coming out stories (see reading list at the end of this col- umn). In the midst of reviewing and discussing research and aca- demic writing about coming out we found ourselves trying to re- late what we were reading to our own experiences or those of people we knew. The coming out models we read seemed unable to capture the richness of lesbian life. Most did not address both com- ing out and being out. Further- more, feminism and political iden- tity in general were ignored. In- stead of attempting to develop our own model, we decided to exam- ine the women's experiences and see what" sort of structure emerged. We did, this by reading the coming outstories of lesbians and examining them for themes. We found that, in these personal accounts, the coming out process’ was a lifelong experience and is quite unique for each individual lesbian. Diversity in the lesbian communities The lesbians whose stories we read often discussed the double and triple minority status they experienced as lesbians and as women of color, or as poor les- bians in communities where most women were middle class: "In this country, lesbianism is a poverty—as is being brown, as is being a woman, as is being just plain poor. The danger lies in ranking the oppressions. The dan- ger lies in failing to acknowledge the specificity of the oppression. The danger lies in attempting to deal with oppression purely from a theoretical base....When the go- ing gets rough, will we abandon our so-called comrades in a flurry of racist / heterosexist / what-have- you panic? To whose camp, then, should the lesbian of color. re- treat?” Cherrie Moraga, in The Original Coming Out Stories. Joining a lesbian group on a college campus could automati- cally disquality you from partici- pating in a racial or ethnic student group. As one Indian woman put it: ”I was almost seduced into believing that I could not be an Indian and a lesbian without be- traying either the culture of my birth and family, or the culture I had chosen as a lesbian and a femi- nist. Just as men had silenced me in the solidarity committees and meetings of the left, so too I found that white lesbians talking for me and about me as though I was not present.” Kaushalya Bannerji, in A Lotus of Another Color: An Unfold- ing of the South Asian Gay and Les- bian Experiences. But some women do manage to integrate their lesbian and racial / ethnic identities: ‘ ”Being a black woman and a lesbian unexpectedly blended, like that famous scene in Ingmar Bergman's film Persona. The differ- ent faces came together as one, and my desire became part of my heritage, my skin, my perspective, my politics, and my future." Jewel Gomez, in Testimonies. Religion also played an im- portant factor in the coming-out process: ”Religious women who happen to be Lesbians live behind two closet doors” (Charlotte A. Doclar, in Lesbian Nuns: Breaking Silence). Organized religions are often gender-segregated, and some lesbians seek out these women- only spaces by, for ex- ample, becoming a nun or study- ing the Torah. Early in the process of coming out, many lesbians feel a strong pull to be in a community of women, without always under- standing the sexual component of this pull. ' The many facets of coming out ’ The coming-out stories we read demonstrate that lesbian identity development occurs in many more than the five or six stages discussed in stage theories. These women commonly describe sensual childhood experiences with other girls or women before their feelings of sexual desire be- came explicit. The sense of being different came up over and over again in the writings, an idea that is a theme unto itself: ”I carried a strong sense that I was different throughout adolescence. I knew I could be happy just being with my girlfriends, and boys seemed un- necessary, even bothersome” (Sa- rah Holmes, in Testimonies). The storytellers’ emotions Another theme that took shape as we read these coming- out stories was the emotional re- sponses of the authors to their own coming-out experiences. Some common emotions, espe- cially early on, were guilt, shame, and fear: ’’I was drawn to her but was also very scared. After much anguish, we decided to ‘give in’ and experiment with being lovers. What fol-lowed was a year and a half of a loving, guilt-ridden, clos- eted relationship” (Adina Abramowitz, in Twice Blessed: On _ Being Lesbian or Gay and Jewish). Coming out as a lifelong ‘process The stories we read covered an extremely broad range of exp_e_- ‘ riences, many of which were .1111- related to the traditional concep- tions of coming out. We would like to emphasize that coming out is a dynamic, lifelong process, as illus- trated by these quotes: ’’One day I discovered I was about to be 67. The knowledge that time was run- ning out hit me. What was unfin- ished in my one chance at life? (Lenore Thompson, in Wolf Girls at Vassar); "At the age of forty, I stopped being a lesbian dropout and re-entered” (Matile Poor, in The Lesbian Path); ”My coming out story is my life story, which is harder to end than it was to be- gin. Since coming out is a lifelong process, there's always the possi- bility of a new beginning” (Liz O’Lexa, in Testimonies). Further reading: Christine Balka and Andy Rose (Editors). Twice Blessed: On Being Lesbian or Gay and Jewish. Boston: Beacon Press, 1989. Karen Barber and Sarah Holmes (Editors). Testimonies: Les- bian Coming Out Stories._ Boston: Alyson Publications, 1994. , Evelyn Torton Beck (Editor). Nice Jewish Girls: A Lesbian Anthol- ogy. Watertown, MA: Persephone Press, 1982. Margaret Cruikshank (Edi- tor). The Lesbian Path. Monterey, CA: Angel'Press, 1980. Rosemary Curb and Nancy Manahan (Editors). Lesbian Nuns: Breaking Silence. Tallahassee, FL: Naiad Press, 1985. Anne MacKay (Editor). Wolf Girls at Vassar: Lesbian and Gay Ex- periences 1930-1990. New York: St. Martin's Press, 1993. Julia Penelope and Susan Wolfe (Editors). The Original Com- ing Out Stories. Freedom, CA: Crossing Press, 1989. Rakesh Ratti (Editor). Lotus of Another Color: An Unfolding of the South Asian Gay and Lesbian Expe- riences. Boston: Alyson Publica- tions, 1993. Will Roscoe (Editor). Living the Spirit: A Gay American Indian Anthology. New York: St. Martin's Press, 1988. Esther Rothblum is Professor of Psychology at the University of Vermont and Editor of the Journal , ofLesbian Studies. DYKE PSYCI-IE is a monthly column. This piece was excerpted from the book chapter by Jessica Morris, Amy Ojerholm, Terry Brooks, Dana Osowiecki, and Esther Rothblum, entitled ”Finding a ‘word for myself’: Themes in les- bian coming out stories" that ap- peared in the book Dyke Life (Ba- sic Books), edited by Karla Jay. For a copy of the complete book chap- ter, write to Esther Rothblum, -Dept. Psychology, John Dewey Hall, University of Vermont, -Burlington, VT 05405, email, e_’mthbl@dewey.uvm.edu'." ‘ ’ ‘