. ‘BY IREN _SMoLARs1<I

OITM (as well as other pub-
lications) has been devoting a lot of
space to gay/ lesbian legal battles

. for the right to marry. It feels like it

has become the norm for GLBT ac-
tivism. It may be all the news there
is. Nevertheless when the media
force us to pay so much attention
to people's need for State recogni-
tion, validation and glorification of
their love affairs it somehow steals
attention from a far more important
right.

to be who we are, true and free. Are
not these aspirations of the gay and
lesbian liberation movement — still?
The right to be same and other at
the same time, the right not to be-
long, n t to make do, not to be put
in a labeled box, is in fact no less
than the right to keep on exploring
the wide scope of human sexuality
with all its potential for growth and
enlightenment. Actually, to be mar-
ried under the auspices of the State
is like going back to the closet — the
closet of conformity and sterile
comfort. No institution can protect
people's essential freedom. All in-
stitutions — and especially that of
marriage — freeze the movement of
life. They deaden the impulse to in-
quire constantly into the generosity
of Nature and to discover who we
are as human creatures.

In this respect, I find the con-
cept of polyfidelity very relevant.
The appellation itself is quite felici-
tous in so far as it captures the good
old flavor of sexual freedom in its
cleanest sense. It's surely not simple
to carry on several genuine relation-
ships at the same time. It requires
being faithful to one’s ever-expand-
ing self, to one’s innate sense of free-
dom while being equally true to the
other’s innate freedom. Sexual free-
dom is based on deep respect for
oneself and for the other. And as
long as we don't regard the other
as a free being, we are not free. The
practice of sexual freedom is quite
different from promiscuous behav-
ior. While often unaware, craving
for self-gratification governs pro-
miscuity, sexual freedom on the
contrary implies a conscious, delib-
erate choice. It entails an honest and
respectful responsivenessto one’s

I want to speak of the right

own sexual ‘desire as well as hon-
esty, respectfulness and responsibil-
ity toward every single other per-
son. In Lesbian Polyfidelity, which
Elizabeth Hansen and Karen Starr
reviewed in OITM (August, 1997),
Celeste West drives this point home
with much panache.

We all grow up having sev-
eral relationships at the same time.
A child has a relationship with her/
his mother, father, brothers and sis-
ters, relatives, friends, teachers...
Those relationships are all different
from one another and when all goes
well they all contribute to her/ his
development, all help her/ him to
become, thanks to this multitude of
experiences, a richer person.

It is only when, later, new re-
lationships start involving sex that
they get complicated. Sex is funny
that way: where it seeks to widen
the scope and intensity of our rela-
tionships, it tends to muddle them
up and narrow them down. It
shouldn't have to though. When
open and free, the sensual and soul-
ful delight we take in another per-
son brings us closer to ourselves.
Like art, like meaningful work, like
knowledge, sex expresses us, re-
veals us to ourselves. So what hap-
pens? We panic. When it finally
gets really good, we regress. In-
stead of keeping the process of dis-

Fitovery alive, we grab, stall and

settle. We get "married". And now
just like Mother when she was only
an extension of our instant—self
which fulfilled all our needs for
nourishment and warmth, when
she was not yet the mother we have
come to know as a person, the One,
the Lover, the Hero, the god, is sup-
posed to meet all of our desires, fan-
tasies, and expectations. Tough
luck. No one person can bring us
back to paradise for ever and ever.
But what if we wanted to rediscover
and keep on discovering paradise
here, now? What if we wanted a
world worth living in?

I don't deny that long-lasting
blissful monogamous relationships
are out of this world. I believe in
miracles, but I don't think we can
afford to build our whole social
structure on the hope of miracles.
This is what's going on though.
Consequently people are miserable
for the most part. They are half
alive; they adjust; "so what, noth-

    

ing is perfect,” they say. And gay
and straight alike work at lousy jobs
and. live badly. But it's good for the
economy, for business and the per-
petuation of the patriarchal model.
Well, to make things work and keep
the tradition of coupled and family
alive, people become reasonable, re-
signed to limiting themselves.
There is always comfort in limit. Or
else, when married, if they refuse
to give up to reason, they resort to
cheating, thus cheating themselves
and their partner. Or else, when
single, they can keep on going in
and out of relationships. This is
exhausting and unfulfilling most of
the time. A sense of failure may
even creep in.

/, Let's come to our senses, we,
simple mortals who just don't seem
to have been graced and are miss-
ing out on the miracle eternal lover,
can't pretend anymore that mo-
nogamy is the norm — unless we
want to drive ourselves insane by
believing there is something wrong
with ourselves. Monogamy and
Family as norms are the inventions
of political and economic power
structures and churches which
profit plenty by them. It's our job
to discover ourselves and to create
ourselves if we want to make life
good, as good as it can be. As we
create ourselves, we create our so-
cial environment. We were not born
with a self, just the potentiality for
pleasure and fulfillment, just with
a growth energy. And it's in sex that
we get to know the essence of this
energy, that it manifests itself in its
most essential form. (Doesn't that
make sex really worth it?) So then,
self-discovery or self-creation is not
a matter of exclusion, but of inclu-
sion. We need a lot of people to
grow and a lot of people need us.
And each person can bring us some-
thing new, something we didn't
know.

I always get sad whenl hear
of people getting married, but when
gay/ lesbian people speak about it
proudly, it enrages me. Logic
would dictate that if we have al-
ready shown the strength and cour-
age to win the right to be regarded
as normal human beings, as authen-
tic sexual beings, it belongs to us to
keep going in that direction and in-
quire into the ways of sexual free-
dom and authenticity of living.

‘OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS —‘-JANUARY 1958 —' 5

 

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BY ERIC ORNER

THE MOSTLY UNFABULOUS SOCIAL LIFE or ETHAN GREEN

Well. Doug's on a fishing trip
with his dad, and its not like
you've gotta datebook full of
engagements for the weekend.
God knows you love Montreal.
I What the hell. you accept.
_ Hen van:
DoYouTumK

I S HOIILD OE? IX
Pu.“ vim;
\ £1‘lIMA.‘. ..
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. \ IV; . 3

He admits to having behaved
unpleasantly last year, and
offers to make it up to you by
inviting you to the reopening
of his Outremont bistro.

Apparently the Mounties

SO you are have let Etienne out of prison.

moping at
home after an
argument
with Doug
about moving
in together.
when, a voice
you hadn't
expected to
hear surprises
you.

£e
viffage

WHAT Do '1: Km?
ABOVTTflA'|'5°K
o:‘rHIN6., I D_D __
LIKE E'I’NAN.TN°- :3:

Jteomte’

   

°“—77.t

 

 

She and he certainly are
conspiratorial. Its nicerthat
you couldn't care lesswhat
about, anymore...

 mo He

AGVEETOLQT

You s1'A'Y wrm
HIM?

Leeza, his faghag, is all-of-a-
sudden your best pal. She says
she's going to be in “your neck-
of the woods next month".
You're a little drunk, and offer
to put her up when she comes.

4 The opening is nice. _
Marvelous food. musicians,
painters. people with day jobs
who ‘M/rite". A guy on the
balcony talking up separation.

You,aren’t sleeping with him.
You're not even attracted to
him anymore, which allows

you to relax and enjoy his
company.