,,,,, ., DYKE PSYCHE: Is it a Relationship If We’re Not Havingsex? by Esther Rothblum In past decades, ”spinster” women who lived together and shared their lives were con- sidered to be in a ”Boston Marriage,” a term that reflected the number of educated women liv- ing in Boston, site of many universities. When we read about such women today, we may as- sume that their relationships were, in fact, sexual. Whether or not such Boston Marriages were in fact sexual, there is very little question that the women involved would have kept knowledge of their sexuality secret from their community. Do such ”Boston Marriages”exist today? In our lesbian communities there are women who are lovers in every sense of the word ex- cept for the fact that they are not currently sexu- ally involved (and may never have been lov- ers). Sometimes they live together. Often they travel together, move to live in the same part of the country, make out wills for each other, and share long histories. Often, in total contrast to the Boston Marriage of bygone eras, these women keep knowledge of their asexuality se- cret from their community. Several years ago, Kathy Brehony and I interviewed a number of lesbians involved in romantic but asexual relationships, and then included these interviews in a book we edited. Some of the types of relationships are described below (all names are pseudonyms). 1. Laura moved to San Fransisco and became attracted to her heterosexual roommate Violet. Violet seemed to encourage the relationship in multiple ways, such as having heart—shaped tat- toos made with each other’s names and telling Laura it was okay that people mistook them for lovers. The title of Laura's chapter is ”When we were whatever we were: Whatever it was that we had.” When Laura suggested they be’- come lovers, Violet said she couldn't do it; Laura was devastated. 2. Elizabeth and Marianne were briefly sexual, then Marianne broke that off saying that the age difference of 20 years was too great for her. Marianne, the younger of the_two, became in- volved sexually with another woman, Eve, and Elizabeth decided to move out of state to ,get away. Elizabeth and Marianne continued their friendship over the telephone and both agree that they are the most important people in each other’s lives. Elizabeth says about Eve, Marianne's sexual partner, ”she will never have access to the total person that I have.” 3. Angie and Cedar write separately about their relationship. They met at the Michigan Women's Music Festival, became lovers, and were sexual for six months. They moved in to- gether and slept in the same bed. Then they slept in separate rooms one night a week, then half the time, then they slept together only one night a‘ week. They stopped having sex. After three years of celibacy, Angie had an ”affair” "(another difficult term when two women are celibate). Cedar was devastated and Angie___ broke offiher f’af.fair” with Linda. Linda was confused since as_soon aslshe found out that‘ Angie and Cedar weren't having sex, she didn't -think they were really a couple. Angie and Ce- dar entered couples therapy, but decided to lie _ to the therapist that they were doing the home- work assignments to be sexual when in fact they i didn't want to be sexual. They have recently celebrated -thefr eigh"th~anniversary and‘are still"- ”monogamous” (that is,. not having sex with each other nor with anyone else). 4. The next chapter is titled ”Cast of charac- ters.” Pat is a retired teacher and age 60. She was involved with Cathy for 16 years, and they were sexual the first four or five years. Cathy has a niece whom they called ”Little Cathy.” Pat and Cathy often wondered whether Little Cathy andher roommate Barbara were a les- bian couple. One day, Pat discovered that her lover Cathy had become sexual with Barbara (Barbara is Cathy's niece’s roommate). Little Cathy was devastated that her aunt had become sexual with her roommate and was consider- ing suicide (even though Little Cathy said she had never been sexual with Barbara). The last Pat heard, Cathy and Barbara had moved to Texas and were currently asexual but still to- gether. This constitutes. a number of Boston Marriages: between Pat and Cathy, between Little Cathy and Barbara, and between Cathy and Barbara. 5. Janet and Marty met at Cape Cod. Both were alcoholics and abused drugs. They became lov- ers, had sex a few times, and moved in together. They became sober. Suddenly, Marty an- nounced that she did not want to have sex. Marty had been sexually abused as a child, and considered sex to be a hostile ‘act. Now that she was in love with Janet, she wanted them to be asexual. The couple has built a log cabin together, tells everyone they are asexual and a couple, and has been celibate for 18 years. 6. Ruth and Iris call what they do together in bed ”bliss.” Ruth is involved sexually with a man, and Iris with another woman. Both part- ners want them to remain monogamous. Con- sequently, they have an agreement that they have only a spiritual connection, and say it is ecstacy. Ruth says ”It’s like coming to the god- dess.” They say that it is the most important relationship in their lives, more important than their respective partners, yet they have trouble with people taking it seriously. They see the same therapist, and Iris says of her ”Bless her heart, she's trying!” 7. Sarah is in her mid-twenties and in love with Hannah in her mid—thirties. They have a pri- mary relationship, but without sex. They have an agreement that they can have other lovers, but only men. Sarah is confused because she is a lesbian, and now her‘ friends only see her with male lovers. It has shaken her whole identity as a lesbian. Hannah is primarily heterosexual. They are both afraid that sex would make them even more intense, given their closeness al- ready. Because theirs is a new relationship, Sarah calls it a ”Boston engagement” instead of a ”Boston marriage.” Which of these relationship do you con- sider ”real” partnered relationships? What did you use as your criteria in determining what was ”real” and what was ”just” a friendship? This will have important implications for how ' lesbians define what is sex and what is a sexual or romantic relationship. Esther Rotlzblum is Professor of Psychology at tlze University of Vermont and Editor of the loyrnal of Lesbian Studies. DYKE PSYCHE is a monthly column. The book Boston Marriages: Romantic But Asexual Re- latignslzigs Among Cgnterngoragr ‘Lesbians, edited by Esther Rothblum and~KathIeen Brehony, was published by the Univer- sity of Massachusetts Press in 1993. For a copy of this article, write to Esther Rothblum, Dept. Psychology, John Dewey Hall, , University of Vermont, Burlington, VT 05405, email e_rothbl@dewey.uvm.edu. ' ' ' OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS — NOVEMBER 1997 — 19 by John Hannah The National Association of People with AIDS (NAPWA) is in the pro- of drafting a “Bill of Rights” for its constituency. It is due to be published In 1998, and not a moment too soon. It will be a critical benchmark for and HIV politics in this country, formally repositioning PWA’s at the focal rof the m‘edical and social apparati which purport to be serving us, and ing to us the ethical high ground necessary to properly direct our own against the disease. . Up till now, AIDS has kept us in a reactive mode. Organizations and s which sprang up ‘ad me’ to deal with the crisis have strained toas- te an unrelenting flow of new information. Decisions have necessarily made on the fly — without a view to the big picture." , When a patient is dying onthe operating table, ethics are thrown into Preserving life becomes a singular imperative. It is pursued ‘on behalf* patient by the medical professionals involved. What happens, then, the patient comes to? The situation immediately becomes more com- _ he easy ethics of life or death transform into a subtle balancing of quan- d quality of life. The power to make decisionsas to treatment and inter- the AIDS crisis is today. With the advent of combination therapy, many ertainly not all) people living with AIDS have been granted a reprieve he knife. Tremendous advances have been made in HIV treatment and man- ent, but a cure has yet to be found —AlDS still kills. The most significant t of combination therapy is *not* the transformation of HIV into a man- Ie condition. We have yet to see what the long-term effects of any of much-heralded new drugs will be, and for many PWA’s, they are not an , due to systemic intolerance, cross-resistance or lack of quality health- In the six months since I set foot on the golden path of combination y, I've switched cocktails once already. I've experienced numerous nasty ffects, filled out an endless stream of forms, battled moralizing social rs and fired my doctor. It's been one hell of a fight. But something won- has been won with recent advances, and that is *time.* At least for of us who are responding to combination therapy, we have gained the to survey the landscape of AIDS with cooler heads, and ‘from the in- We are no longer subject to anyone else's ethical imperatives. We have to, and we are not entirely pleased with what we find. This is not an occasion for blame or admonishment, yet there is much right. HIV and AIDS are clearly not following any *rules.* Treatment dologies dependent on fixed opinions (medical, ethical or political) are quate to the changing nature both of the epidemic and of the virus itself. n Vermont, the medical and social-services establishment has largely e crucial fluidity needed to confront the disease, *the shape of which is ular to every patient.‘ ' I propose that we, the PWA’s of Vermont, in anticipation of the NAPWA Rights, aggressively reject the *status.quo* that has emerged in our IDS treatment and service organizations, and assert, in its place, a set ing *principles* by which we may be better served. I propose a Declara- Independence from process, bureaucracy, fixed ideas and entrenched sts. . O/7'/l//is an ideal forum for this. To get the ball rolling, I've put together of principles of care, based on my own experience, by which Vermont may evaluate their medical and socia|—service providers: viders must aim to maximize quantity and quality of life, the balance of must be determined. by thepatient, with all available facts and counsel. medical team must support decisions of thepalient and contribute in a e and committed manner to his or her chosen course of treatment. egally available drugs, therapies and laboratory services must be made sible to the patient, regardless of cost or red tape. Financial obstacles e approached with a constructive attitude. visions must be made to ensure that the patient’s needs and questions mpetently addressed and answered as they arise - 24 hours a day, 7 week. raction of patients must be encouraged and supported. The experience er PWAS constitutes a vital resource in determining a course of treat- With a little inventiveness, issues of confidentiality need not obstruct unication. ' al AIDS service and treatment organizations must not isolate themselves, rom one another orfromgmore experienced front-line institutions in other _ f the world. I ' rec!/ng the Body Po/it/c w/7/be a /‘non/n/yfea/1/re 0/OITM, address/ng er:/s oft/7e /-//I/-pas/'//i/e exper/ence — nred/‘ca//‘ans, da/7;/management, 0/rec!/on, at/est/ans off:/no’/ng andpro i//kferaccounlab/7/7}/. Readers are raged to write in W/I/7 comments, ques//‘ans or st/gges//‘ans /or 07190115- n I/7/L9 way] nope we can no/s/er one another in our. sin/gg/e age//_7.st J and Improve I/re/‘nfrastrz/c1‘z/re on which we" depend forsurvfvai A ‘-313 '¢'—a- in». 11-». .\;a~. ..-‘:4; ..-.... :.-L. ‘A ¢'aI4 -no .-Ia.-4 as- ':3"a mm. as- n *must* be restored to the patient at this point. This is, metaphorically, ‘-4.