_ __ ,1 _ ~ ,__..,.,.,.~. ._ 6 — OUT IN THE MOUNTAINS -— OCTOBER 1997 "l buy all my stuff at the l‘e;1cc &justice Store, wlicre else?" mi.»-. orwor 2! Church $1.. Burlington 863-8326 Open 7Da_\'s I \ ‘Peace & Justice Store BQ 802-862-4332 _'fi{sEiTERs We are proud to carry the area’s largest selection of gay, Iesbian, and bisexual books and magazines. 81 Church St., Burlington, VT Special orders welcome 1-800-NEW BOOK Open year round Thursday-Sunday 10-6 Or by appointment or chance. Antiques. Collectibles, and Vermont Handcrafted Creations fll/[cC[eary fBrooK I-lntiques and gifts Route 14 HC 65,‘ Box 2320 Albany, Vermont 05820 One mile north of Albany village. David and Louarme Nielsen (802) 755-6344 ** * uhnenlxrising* , - spirited jewelry & gifts - ‘k surface finishing 81‘ refinishing interior - exterior quality pointing Janice Goodman Hinesburg, Vermont 482-3680 Domestic Violence in Same Sex Relationships BY CELIA CUDDY October is Coming Out Month. It is also Domestic Vio- lence Awareness Month. As we celebrate ourselves and our relationships, many of us also struggle with the feeling that something isn't right between ourselves and our partners. ”She keeps me up all night, accusing me of sleeping with other women when I haven't." ”He’s told me he'll out me to my family if I don't do what he says.” ”She tells me my friends‘ are no good, and keeps me from seeing them.” ”He says I'm stupid > when it comes to money, and takes my paycheck.” ”She’s hit me.” For many of us, the idea of battering in same sex rela- tionships seems like a contra- diction. We’ve only heard of abuse in straight relationships, and in lots of ways this makes sense to us: the hetero-domi- nant culture pressures men to use violence to get control and power, while women are ex- pected to be passive and de- pendent on men. Domestic violence would seem to require this kind of power imbalance in relationships (as well as a sexist society that accepts vio- lence and provides minimal protections for abuse survi- vors). One of the ways we might take pride in our rela- tionships is in the feeling of equal strength and power, and our shared experiences as men or women together. Domestic abuse is a pattern of threats, coercion, or violent be- haviors used to control the thoughts and actions of an inti- nzate partner. It is the systematic use of threatened or actual sexual, physical, emotional, or financial abuse to maintain power in a re- lationship. What we would hope to be true in our partnerships — that equality of strength and purpose — can make it hard to accept that battering happens in same sex relationships. And even if we accept that this is an issue for some couples, we -may believe in our ability to spot a batterer at a dozen paces e by violent temperament, interestin role plays, substance abuse, whatever —— and so we are safe from hooking up with that kind of person. We know better. I am a formerly battered lesbian. When I met the woman who would become my abuser, no red flags came up for me: she and I met at a training for volunteers at a bat- tered women’s shelter in Mas- sachusetts. She identified as a feminist, was soft—spoken, and politically active. During the eight months we were to- gether, she became emotion- ally, psychologically, and fi- nally, physically abusive. Even as I worked the hotline at the shelter, I resisted recognizing what was going on in my own life. To admit that, to put that label on myself —- battered woman — would feel humili- ating and disempowering. And isolating, for at the shel- ter I worked in, we really didn't talk about battered les- bians (or if we did, we called it mutual abuse, because women would be of equal strengths and certainly not really dan- gerous to each other). Three friends, at different times, told me they were concerned about me, and that I deserved to be treated better. I responded with anger: how dare they think that I, enlightened and strong feminist, was being abused? Most of my friends just seemed to think this was a ”bad” relationship, but at least I was finally kissing girls (she was the first women I ever dated). It took me a long time to understand what was going on for me. It took me longer to finally escape her harassment and stalking. When I tell my story, of- ten times another woman or man will later confide to me their own experience with abuse. Generally, these stories are framed by sadness, anger, or confusion at the lack of re- sponse in the community — our community — to battering in same sex relationships. As in my own situation, it seems that often abusive relationships are perceived as just bad relation- ships, where maybe the part- ners just need some couple's counseling. Maybe we don't really believe that the relation- ships we’ve fought so hard for — their celebration, their rec- ognition — could sometimes be dangerous for one of the partners (we've had so many experiences with danger com- ing at us from outside our com- munity). Maybe we think our community is so fragile, that any of this talk will be divisive and hurtful. Maybe we're afraid that if we talk about this, gay-bashers will use our sto- ries as proof of how sick and dangerous we are. Maybe, like me, our pride can limit our vi- sion: my excitement and hopes in entering a community of womyn-loving-womyn didn't leave a lot of space for the pos— ‘ sibility of women who are beaten by women. But pride can also mean the pride in our- selves to know we have the right to be treated well, and .to be safe in our relationships. In Vermont, there are some resources available for victims and survivors of vio- lence in same sex relationships. Men's Health Project and Women Helping Battered Women, both in Burlington, of- fer hotline numbers and indi- vidual counseling meetings (seelOITM’s resource list). Dur- ing the past year, a collection of survivors, community members, allies, and workers have been meeting to develop resources and services fO1' SLll'- I vivors. This group — The Same Domestic Violence Sub- committee of the Chittenden County Domestic Violence Task Force — has organized a community forum to discuss this issue, provide informa- tion, and continue working to develop responses to battering in GLBT relationships. This fo- rum is open to all people who support safety, self—determina— tion, and dignity in same sex partnerships. Safety and Dignity in Our Relationships: Creating Responses to Domestic Vio- lence in the GLBT Community, Thursday, November 6, 1997, 6 p.m. - 9 p.m., Contois Audi- torium, Burlington. For more information on the forum, con- tact Men’s Health Project at (800) 649-2437 or Women Helping Battered Women at (802) 658-3131. For more infor- . mation about the work of the Same Sex Domestic Violence Subcommittee, contact us c/ o Chittenden County Domestic Violence Task Force, 31 Elmwood Avenue, Burlington, VT 05401. 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