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.'Hv-I.‘ we M An A: you 14;.

July 1997

Page 13

Polyfidelity: A Pleasure Guide Was a Gift to Our Relationship

Polyfidelityz A Pleasure Guide for All Women Whose
Hearts Are Open to Muitiple Sensualoves’ or. How
to Keep Nonmonogamy Safe. Sane, Honest and
Laughing’ You Rogueln

Celeste West

Reviewedlay I(aren=Starr and Elizabeth Hansen ‘

For the past 10 years a shadow has
hovered over our relationship. We-‘ve
discussed it and suppressed it; we’Ve tried‘
couples counseling; we’ve cried and
complained and considered breaking up. But
nothing really helped us resolve the conflicts
raised by nonmonogamy in the context of our
long term relationship——until this book
appeared. Somehow nonmonogamy, once the
talk of the lesbian nation, became a taboo
topic. We became increasingly isolated within
our own community as we struggled with this
issue. Raising children, adoption, same sex
marriage, commitment ceremonies, and
domestic partner benefits are now the topics
of the day. As the only socially sanctioned
discourse, they are suffocating. In the
stampede to assimilate during the past
decade, critiques of the nuclear family got left
behind. A , V

The effects of being silenced, in fact
closeted, only served to compound the roller
coaster of emotions we were each
experiencing: jealousy, anger, guilt,
possessiveness, betrayal, a sense of being
trapped and unable to be who we are. Just as
the topic was coming to a boil again,
something like a miracle happened. Elizabeth
recently spent a week in Syracuse, a pretty
dismal destination in April. An excursion to
the women’s bookstore, My Sister’s Words, was
intended to brighten the week, but it. far
exceeded expectations. A stack of Celeste
West’s book, Lesbian Polyfidelity: A Pleasure
Guide for All Women Whose Hearts Are Open
to Muitiple Sensualoves’ or. How to Keep
Nonmonogamy Safe. Sane, Honest and
Laughing’ You Rogue! was prominently
displayed. A wordy title, but a wise and
wonderful volume. At 815. this book is a
bargain. The cover art alone is worth the
price, although it does not literally depict the
author's message. In 300+ pages West
answers every argument, question, and

paradox we've faced—-and then some. "She
treats the difficult and delighfful aspects of

polyfidelity_with respect, humor and care. r I

,, West has a definite-bias toibe sure—]—one,',
that may offend some. What a pleasure in

an era when people often say nothing at all ., A

after editing themselves to offend no one".
Even for those committed to monogamy, this
book can engender a good, healthy respect
for those choosing other styles of love
relationships.

West defines polyfidelity as,  . . the
ongoing relationships of a lesbian or bisexual
woman who is romantically and / or sensually
involved with more than one person
concurrently, while being honest with all her
lovers." She explains how polyfidelitous
relationships can provide security and
freedom, intimacy and inclusiveness, as well
as depth, diversity and excitement. She
begins with a convincing summary of the
history and piffalls of monogamy, terming it
a socially sanctified cultural construct. Her
50~woman survey and interviews with many
polytideles demonstrate the range and
success of this way of loving. She
distinguishes polyfidelity from
nonmonogamy. Lesbians are famous for
serial monogamy, which West calls an
oxymoron as serial polygyny is more
accurate. Nonmonogamy is commonly used
to transition from one temporarily
monogamous relationship to another. These
are the agonizing scenarios that leap to
mind when nonmonogamy is mentioned. By
reframing to a positive perspective,
polyfidelity broadens our vision of what is
possible. Various configurations of
polyfidelitous relationships are examined
and she reviews ways to prevent conflict with
guidelines, schedules, negotiation, respect
and love. While never pretending that
polyfidelity is easy, West takes the
histrionics out. She guides us through the
range of emotions which can surface with

‘ practical ways to deal with them. Therapy is

not highly regarded by West as a method for
dealing with polyfidelity issues. Therapists,
in her experience, tend to be judgmental
when it comes to polyfidelity since an
unstated agenda of most therapy is social

control. This has ' certainly been: our
experience—it was much more productive to go

‘out for a meal and spend time together than

to wrestle with a_‘:lesbian therapist who had no
insight into our issues. 

Unfortunately, her chapter on sexually
transmitted diseases was a jarring contrast
to the rest of the book. She spends a good deal
of time berating those of us who continue to
have concerns about woman—to—woman
transmission of HIV. We don't actually know of
anyone who has suggested that much of what
lesbians do sexually is high risk, but we do
know a number of level—headed.
knowledgeable, sexpositive dykes who are
concerned that woman—to—woman
transmission is being underestimated and
undocumented because of researcher bias.
Anyone who has followed the history of the
epidemic knows that it has taken years of
struggle with government agencies to
implement changes such as broadening the
AIDS case definition to include women's
symptoms and opportunistic infections. An
added risk is our inability to deal in any real
way with the issue of injection drug use in
the lesbian community because of our
stereotypes and misconceptionsabout who
injection drug users are. Our disappointment
with this chapter is not that we disagreed with
theauthor, but rather that she cites “science"
that we don't think is all that trustworthy. The
fact that we are aware of even a small number
of lesbians who have been infected with HIV
through sex with another woman is reason
enough to use common sense and safer sex to
protect ourselves as well as our lovers.

This book was a gift to our relationship and
it is a gift to the lesbian community. You may
find it every bit as exciffng, affirming, and
helpful as we did, or you may be affronted,
confused, annoyed or defensive——but read it
and then let's all talk about it!

To get yourself and your mends~lover(s) a
copy you can ask Chassman & Bern or the
Peace & Justice Store to special order it, you
can contact any feminist bookstore (it is
currently featured in their national catalog),
or your can prepay a postage—paid order direct
from the publisher: Booklegger Publishing,
P. O. Box 460654B, San Francisco, CA 94146.

Allen Fletcher Says...Kudos to the

THEATRE FACTORY’S The Importance of Being
Earnest, mounted at the Mann Hall Auditorium of
Burlington’s Trinity College this past month,
suggests that the Queen City is in for a fine theatrical
summer season. Director Candy Peate is to be
applauded for a practical approach to Wilde's play:
no frills and strictly within the capacities of cast
and crew. The result was classy, stylish and certainly
worth having seen. A dividend to those of us who
love the work was the rare opportunity to enjoy
Wilde's text in a responsible, not overstated reading.

L It is a charming, wittyand brilliantly constructed

comedy of manners, which engages its audience
from beginning to end, with the exception of a short
segment toward the three—quarter mark of Act II
which invariably permits attention to drift briefly.

_ Subtitled ”A trivial Comedy for Serious People,”
Wilde's play employs a variant of the mistaken
identity device, whose lineage descends from
classical antiquity through Shakespeare to the
present day. When set in the late nineteenth century,

this particular framework provides more than
ample opportunity for Wilde to satirize the social
conventions and moral standards of his age, as
well as the class structure which defended them.
Courting and coupling, with all accompanying
complications of family, finance and good form
provide the specific sequence of events.

Sets and lighting for this production were A

simple, but not minimal — altogether adequate.
Costumes and makeup were similarly serviceable
(except for the butler in Act I, who looked to be a
escapee from a CATS touring company). Theatre
Factory's actors function well together, forming a

more than effective ensemble. Standouts were Brian ,
Torstenson (Algernon Moncrieff), Craig Bailey (Jack M

Worthing), and Aimee Loiselle (Cecily Cardew).

Also appearing was Steven West A.K.A. Cherie Tartt. M

Therein lies an extraordinary performer, not of the
quality of the aforementioned three, but nonetheless
impressive. ,

Much was made of the West / Tartt casting as

cast of Eamestl

soon as it was armounced. Having seen and survived
(in New Jersey, at that) a musical derived from this
play, your redoubtable writer was fairly sure that he
could survive a Lady Bracknell in travesty. After all,
travesty has roots as deep as mistaken identity. But
would Cherie Tartt be one’s travesty of choice? There
was the question. Surprise of surprises: only one of
Cherie Tartt_’ s mannerisms appeared in West's
portrayal — that verrry slowww, portentious wink.
While his concept of the character seemed too much
larger than life, ev_en ponderous at times, Steven
West's performance was a sincere theatrical effort,
and not the bloated exercise one feared. ._

. Thorough program notes observe that this
production of Earnest was mounted on the occasion
of the hundredth anniversary of Wilde's release from
prison after his conviction for homosexu_al practices.
Several other books, plays and films currently in
production and preparation to honor the Author are
identified. Kudos to all involved. Our Oscar would
revel in such notariety. I