Oittiiin the'Morifitains Out in the Mountains Established in 1986 Editor: Hugh Coyle Business Manager: Steven West ‘ Future Layout: Stacianne Visco Circulation Manager: David Grist _ Website Managers: Kathie Sawyer and Tracy Buttles Contributors: Tom Aloisi, Carolyn David Edelstein, Joy Griffith, Bruce Johnson, Deb Lashman, Susan Murray, Paul Olsen, Beth Robinson, and Joseph Watson. Out in the Mountains (ISSN 1081- 5562) is published monthly by Moun- tain Pride Media, lnc. The newspa- per maintains offices at 109 South Winooski Avenue in Burlington, Ver- mont. Our mailing address is PO Box 177, Burlington VT 05402-0177. Our e-mail address is oitm@aol.com. Bulk rate postage for the mailing of the newspaper is paid in Burlington, Vermont. The subscription rate is $20 per year within the United States. © 1996, Out in the Mountains. Statement of Purpose The purpose of Out in the Moun- tains is to serve as a voice for lesbi- ans, gay men, bisexuals, transgen- dered people, and our supporters in Vermont. We wish the newspaper to be a source of information, insight, and affirmation. We also see OITM as a vehicle forthe celebration of the goodness and diversity of the les- bian, gay, bisexual, and trans- gendered communities here in Ver- mont and elsewhere. - Editorial Policy We will consider for publication any material which broadens our un- derstanding of our lifestyles and of each other. Views and opinions ap- pearing inthe paper do not neces- sarily represent those of the staff. This paper cannot and will not en- dorse any candidates or actions of public officials on issues of impor- tance to lesbians, gay men, bisexu- als, and trans-gendered persons. We reserve the right not to pub- lishany material deemed to be overtly racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, ageist, classist, xenophobic or ho- mophobic. 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Ad copy _ should be mailed to the address 2 V Editorial A Mother's Final Gift to Her Son By Hugh Coyle Since we now have “National Coming Out Day” in October, it’s only fair that we create a new tra- dition, “National Going Back In Day” for December. After all, that’s the time of year when a large number of gay, lesbian, bi- sexual, and transgendered people ‘ do anything but “don their gay apparel”_ as they head home for , the holidays. I recall my mother prepping me years ago on Christmas day: “Now, whatever you do, do not talk about environmentalism, nuclear war, politics, religion, or gay rights at the dinner table.” In- stead, I would have to suffer through my sister’s conservative commentaries and deal with Dad’s anti—cultural condemna- tions in silence. My grandmother, bless her soul, would always try to swing the conversation back to the food or the weather, while ‘I’d distract myself by feeding scraps to the dog under the table. That all changed when I started bringing my boyfriend home for the holidays. By that time, we had also given up ‘our sit—down dinners for buffet style meals, since there were children (my sister’s) on the scene. Often, they’d gawk at their two uncles in stunned fear. In a matter of hours, however, the (kids would warm up to us, and even confide secrets in us. I’ ll never forget the glee in my neice’s voice one day when she told me that her mother thought my partner and I were “weird.” 1 Weird, queer, whatever. The family dynamic remained un- changed for quite a while. In some ways, Christmas seemed like an extension of Halloween, and I’d just put on my see- through “straight” costume for a few days each December. When my mother developed cancer, however, the stakes dur- ing family gatherings increased ‘A 1% considerably. There were home health aides coming to the house, along with a parade of family friends and relatives. With all the commotion, there was little room left for secrecy. My family had entered one of the most intimate periods any family could possi- bly face: the prolonged death of a loved one. My mother had suffered with cancer for two years, despite re- peated operations on her brain and lungs. In 1992, when my partner and I returned to New England from Montana, my mother was confined to a hospi- tal bed set in the center of the liv-, ing/dining room. Her meals con- sisted of canned high-protein milk shakes and ice cream, the latter often laced with her medi- cation. But on Christmas Day, Mom miraculously rallied, and managed to eat a slice of the tur- key my grandmother (her mother) had brought, along with some mashed potatoes and gravy. The next day, after my grand- mother had returned home, I asked my mother if she wanted some of the leftovers for lunch. She was quick to respond “No.” When I asked her why not, she answered that she hated turkey, and that she had only eaten some the day before because she knew it would make her own mother feel better. It touched me deeply to hear those words. For years my mother had lived in a relationship infwhich her own desires and interests were subservient to those of her husband and her family. She was, as many women continue to be in our society, a domestic mar- tyr. I didn’t fully understand the depth of her sacrifices until a month later, when the cancer fi- nally claimed her. My father had always insisted (and still does) that I keep my sexual orientation hidden, “in the closet.” He didn’t want anyone beyond our immediate family to |l|lilEi|lX rising * , - spirited jewelry & gifts - ‘k |]All£ ll] EHPHESS YllUllS£ll \'; -*.. lO4 main street, one flight up monlpelier 802.229.0522 ° 9{orseEt_1c.{ ritfing on our own gentle fzor5a<. - Cross country skifiom our tfoar. - ‘Dourrr/ii[[.ci{r'z'rtg nearby. Bed and Br'euLjfu.rt RFD Box 2260 East Hardwick, Vermont 05836 (802) 533-7772 56% .1? - ' know, particularly not my uncle (his brother) and his wife. When he tried to discuss the matter with my mother’s favor- ite nurse, a wonderful woman riamed Eileen, he fumbled over his words. Finally, Eileen looked him in the eye. “If you’re trying to tell me that your son is gay, forget it. Your wife beat you to it,” she told him. “And besides, what’s the big deal? It makes no difference to her or to me.” At my mother’s wake and fu- neral, my partner was beside me to provide the comfort he knew I would need in a time of such grief. At one point, my aunt and uncle approached us. “It’s so wonderful that your partner can be here,” my aunt told me. “Your uncle and I are so happy to see the two of you together.” I was dumbfounded (as was my partner). It became apparent that in the months preceding my return home, my mother had been preparing the way, anxious to help in any way she could dur- ing a stressful time for her fam- ily. She was well aware that the time for lies and secrecy had passed, and that my sexual ori- entation should no longer be con- sidered an “issue.” It was a fact, and as such, needed acceptance and understanding. Without that, the funeral would have been far worse for all of us as we avoided the topic, and unbearable for me if I had to sacrifice the greatest source of comfort I could have in a time of great distress. In her final days, my mother taught me the importance and the value of the truth. This was a les- son she had struggled with her- self over the course of many years. When faced with the her‘ own mortality, she came to real- ize how all else fell away where love and caring were concerned, no matter the nature and object of that love. For me, this has become a Christmas story I will remember every year. Though it is one of sadness and great loss, it has strengthened the love and admi- ration I feel for my mother, now _ gone nearly four years. It has also shown me that we need not and should not have to hide away our love, particularly at home with our own families. As many gay, lesbian, bi- sexual, and transgendered people ‘ know, we often face the fear of losing our families (along with our religious communities and, to a great extent, our own sense of happiness and self—worth) when we come out of the closet. On her deathbed, my mother realized that this should not be so. To know that one of her final wishes was to make it easier for her son and his partner to attend her fu- neral is one of the most remark- able gifts I have ever received. To my mother, then, I am eter- nally grateful. May her spirit of love and understanding shine in all our hearts as the seasons change, and as one year gives way to another. V Mountain Pride Media and Out in the Mountains wish all our readers a Happy Holiday Season! We also offer our special gratitude to staff members I David Grist and Steven West for their commitment to the paper! P.0. BOX 435 PLAINFIELD, VT 0567-0435 FOR THE WORLD ARTS OF VERMONT PHOTOGRAPHY FOR THE GAYG. LESBIAN COMMUNITY CELEBRATING LIFE COMMITMENTS FAMILY MILESTONES ENVIROMENTAL PORTRAITS DIVA PORTEOILOS 802 454 -7187 VOICE/FAX E-MAIL: TAZDIVAOAOLCOM Arcadia House V Elegant Accommodations PO Box 520 V Hyde Park, VT 05655 V 802-888-9147 John Towne V Ed Pepe V Innkeepers 25 acres V pond V mezidows V trails V river V peace 8; privacy