Out in the Mountains

LOOKING BOTH WAYS:

Sometimes Parents Just Don't Understand

Mike Rothbart

CUTTINGSVILLE -- "You never tell me anything about your life," my dad
complains. We are spending two weeks on Nantucket with the extended family: two
parents, a grandmother, two brothers, a girlfriend, an ex—girlfriend's sister, childhood
friends and the family dog. Plus about six acres of sand, most of it embedded in the
living room rug. This statement from my dad is nothing new. Throughout my life, I've
been closer to my mom. I find it easy to talk to her about my hopes, my fears and my
arrest record. With my father, I mostly converse about movies. Sometimes we expand
to discuss books. '

We've had this conversation before. I tell my dad, "Sorry I exclude you; I don't like to
share things with you ‘cause, for one, you freak out about anything I say."

"Try me."

"And two, you avoid any personal or emotional conversations."
"That's just typical of any man born before l950," my dad responds.
"Well, you're the worst I've ever met," I reassure him.

"Good to be superlative at something," he extends his fake grin.

*****

That was two days ago. Tonight, after dinner, I ask my dad, "Where is Cliff Road?"
"Well, why do you want to know?" he responds.

I ask him, "Why do you need to know my reason? I just want to know where the stupid
road is."

"Communication," he smiles with yellow teeth, separating the word into its five
separate syllables. "I ask lots of questions because I find, otherwise, people don't tell
me anything."

"Well, maybe they don't tell you because they don't want you to know. You really want
to hear my reason, for Cliff Road?"

"Yes. I always want to hear about my children's lives, anything they tell me."

I smile back. Okay, I think;VI'll tell you and we'll see what happens. I lower my voice
conspiratorially, so my grandmother in the kitchen doesn't overhear. "Well, it started
yesterday, when I went to the grocery store. I was wearing my ACT—UP shirt, you
know, the one that says ACTION=LIFE. Well, I met this hot guy. His name is Kevin."

Dad has dropped his smile. He's listening, his eyes slowly growing like raisins soaked
in boiling water;

"I half~noticed him standing by the baggers. He strolled over, timing his approach to
pass us just as we finished paying. He told me, ‘Hey, that shirt's great. I wish we saw
more around here like that.‘ He winked. I grinned back, and we struck up a
conversation walking out of the store. Kevin, he was this gorgeous light-skinned black
man, late twenties. Built!"

I look at Dad. He doesn't know what 'built' means, but I continue. "So Kevin introduced
me to his two gay friends, and his withered eighty—nine year old great aunt. She
immediately demanded of him, ‘What does this boy want, Kevin? Why is he walking
us to our car? Is he going to rob us?‘ Kevin told her, 'No, Ethel, I'm just talking to this
man.‘ Ethel scowled, peering up first at me then at him. 'Well, Kevin, I hope you
remember what I taught you.‘ Kevin sighed, ‘Yes, Ethel. I do. I always wear a condom.‘
Then she turned, pointing her finger toward me, ‘You too, young man. Wrap that
plaything in a prophylactic."'

I laugh, recounting it. Meanwhile, Dad has his rabid grin stuffed tightibetween his
cheeks. He looks like a macaque just before it bites.

"Anyhow, Kevin gave me his address and phone number. I'm going to call him now, and
I might go over there tonight, see what happens. Sol wondered where Cliff Road is."

*****

“I’m not a straight man, but I play
one on television.” 

Mun} gay and lesbian people like Dan Butler thought
acting straight was bettcrthan being open and honest.
They hoped that others did not know. or that they
feared friends and family would not accept them.
After coming out. the love and support many receive
tells them one thing —— that being themselves is the
best act to follow.

@

National Coming Out Day is October 11
Come Out. It truly makes a difference.
National coming Out Project

is an education and outreach program of the

‘z

  
 
 
 
 
 
  

  

 

For more information about hm you can make

a difiercmc on National Coming Out D3).

or to order uflicial Keith Haring National Coming
Out Day merchandise. all I-800866-6263.

I excuse myself into the back bedroom to phone

Kevin. My dad, I learn later, makes a beeline for
my mom in the kitchen. "Barbara, I need to talk to
you in private,"p he gesticulates at her in his
agitated sign language. My mother is completely
deaf. -

"Can it wait?" she wonders from the carrot sticks.

"No. Come here. Your son is going to a house where
gay men live!"

"Okay. He's a grown man, Hal. He can do what he
wants."

"Yes, but he's going to a gay house. I don't think. I
don't think  "

"He's a grown man," my mom repeats.

"But he's going to see a gay man!" Hysteria has
crept into his voice like a freight train sliding off
the track.

"Why is it a problem?" my mom asks, ever—patient
after having reared my dad and his three sons.

"Well it's dangerous, to be in bedrooms, with gay
men you don't know." His signs look like fingers
attempting jumping jacks, "And it's very late. I don't
think he should be going out so late."

*****

In the other room, Kevin and I have figured out that
we won't be able to see each other before he leaves
the island the next day. I give him my address in
Vermont, and we trade teaching stories. When I
come out, my dad sits on the sofa, reading Time.
"See Michael," he says, "You can tell me things and
I don't react so badly. Are you really going out?"

*****
A nod to Karol Raiche, the Rutland woman who

wanted to stuff Out In The Mountains in the
Rutland Free Library closet, along with both of

_Heather's mommies, Mo and Lois, E.M. Forster

and Bill Shakespeare. After all, once you start
segregating racy children's books from all the
normal ones, where do you stop? Personally, my
favorite Shakespeare scene is in Twelfth Night,
where Viola has cross—dressed as a messenger and
woos the duchess Olivia into falling in love with
her. I'll just say, I hope the Rutland Library has a
walk—in closet. I'll be sure to pack alight.

Even so, Karol Raiche, I hope you realize that your
attempts to hide or ban our books will not remove
us from your life. After all, we are your
baby—sitters, your teachers and librarians, your
post—mistresses and gas station attendants. (Check
out the guy on the graveyard shift at Exxon.) We
are your neighbors, your friends, and quite
possibly —— as my dad sometimes accepts -- your
children.

Mike Rothbart is a bisexual activist. He is
currently working on a feature film being shot in
Rutland. He invites anyone uncomfortable with the
idea of bisexuality to call him up and come over
for tea and cookies. He looks forward to sharing a
closet with his hero, Alison Bechdel. V

Leaders

Continued from page 1

HOWDEN COTTAGE
litfil (J lféikfast

Continental - By Reservation Only

32 No. Champlain St. - Burlington, VT 05401
Bruce M. Howden 0 Proprietor - 802 864-7198

"As ‘lesbians, gay men, bisexuals
and transgender folk we are an
incredibly huge community
(made up of each of our smaller
communities with its own leaders
and issues) linked merely by our
identification as ‘sexual minority’
and differentiated by the dominant
culture solely by what we do in
bed/who we do it with. It would
be laughable to talk about
leadership in the heterosexual
community, yet we somehow
expect (demand?) our community
to have individuals who claim to
speak for us all. It is inevitable
that whoever takes on leadership
roles in our community will fail to
represent/advocate for/be
supportive of vast numbers of
that very community, whether out
of ignorance, indifference, or
simple inability." (Dudley,
Strafford)

"The curious thing about being
lesbian or gay is that simply by
living our lives and standing up
for equal protection and
recognition we become leaders.
It's the part about being willing to
stand up for justice that separates
some of us from others.". (anon.)

"I do not see myself as a leader in
the gay etc. community. I have
come to understand, however, that
I must be a model for some since
I have been contacted from time
to time to talk with individuals
unknown to me about a variety of
things important to them. Is a
model a leader? Perhaps." (anon.)

' Accountability

"It's interesting to me to note the

' care with which I'm choosing my

words on this page -— there's a
kind of pressure to live up to the
notion of being considered a
leader." (Chris Tebbetts,
Burlington)

Many members of our community
wish our leaders to be more
considerate and sensitive to their
position and its resultant
responsibilities. By far the single
issue of concern cited most
frequently by the respondents is
the accountability of our leaders.
The Balkanization of our greater
Community into its component
elements fosters identification
with specific agendas and
priorities that may not reflect the
greater community.

Many respondents questioned
individual decisions made by
"our" leadership. which directly
calls into question, "To whom are
our leaders accountable?" "The
people who purport to represent
us —- do they? Do they have a feel
for the overall community? Or do
they represent a minority which is
more politically invested?" (Cliff
Dow, Burlington)

Too often, it seems, our leaders
are thought guilty of representing
their own agenda when their
position (or even representation)
may suggest they speak on behalf
of the community as a whole. As
one respondent put it, "One or
two people make a decision, (and)
it reflects on the whole
community."

Again and again the respondents.

referred to two very controversial
decisions made surrounding
1995's Pride Day events. While
Jennifer Muncil and Peter Thomas
were often specifically
appreciated for their efforts and
devotion to organizing Pride Day,
respondents queried, "Who
disinvited Lieutenant Governor