Out in the Mountains

Society’s Misfits

On December 12th I had the ex-
traordinary privilege to attend the Flirta-
tions Concert in Burlington. I went with
my partner and two children; we vol-
unteered prior to the concert setting up for
the post concert reception. The five hours
we spent at the Unitarian Universalist
Church were filled with fun, laughter,
conversation, music and camaraderie.
Sayer, age two, and Dana, age five, were
welcomed and played with by several
people and, unlike many functions we at-

 

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tend, no one seemed to be bothered by
their presence. The highlight of the eve-
ning for Dana - and her parents - was
when Jon and The Flirts dedicated the
song “Everything Possible” to her and
Sayer (Dana and Jon have had a penpal
relationship for the past year and a half).

For me, the evening also brought home
my invisibility as a bisexual. In both the
hetero and homosexual worlds I am per-
ceived as different than I really am; both
assume that I am straight, especially
when I appear with my male partner, who
is also bisexual. Having moved out of the
lesbian separatist world eight years ago
when I fell in love with Sky, the evening
was also bittersweet. I miss being part of
that sub-culture, and my sadness is most
acutely felt when I attend concerts - the
women’s music scene was such an im-
portant part of my life for so many years.
Concerts provided a safe haven to be my-
self, to be out, to be affectionate in public
with my lover, to be with others like me —
something that was desperately missing
in my everyday life.

I was so full of so many feelings after the
evening that I was curious how Sky felt -
after all, he had appeared to be part of an
apparent model nuclear family in a crowd
of mostly gay men and lesbians. It was
fine with him and completely comfort-
able. As he put it so bluntly, “I was just
ianother misfit in a room of society’s mis-
its.”

Then I realized the implications of his
comment. It’s true - we, Sky and I, are
considered “misfits” by mainstream so-
ciety because the lifestyle choices we
have made detour so abruptly from “ex-
pectations”. We have chosen to co-parent
our children by arranging our other inter-
ests and activities around our children and
other parent’s schedule. Dana and Sayer
do not go to daycare or babysitters; they

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are with one or the other parent most of
the time - and with their father as much (if
not more) than their mother. They go to
meetings with us, on trips, to concerts -
they participate in our away-from-home
lives as much as possible. Many people
are offended by their presence; a precious
few welcome them at court, at the nursing
home, at Town Meeting. Our second mis-
fit choice, an extension of the first, is that
Dana and Sayer homeschool.

Our third and fourth misfit choices also
blend together - we are committed to do-
ing for ourselves as much as possible -
raising our food, providing our power, do-
ing our own carpentry and repair work -
and thereby do not commit ourselves full-
time to a career and the income that would
come with it. We live on about $10,000 a
year, sometimes even less. We do have
professions and take pride in our work,
but our main time spent is with our chil-
dren; even in this year of politicians bab-
bling on about “family values”, such a
choice is not looked upon favorably by
our consumer-centered, money-desiring
society. These four choices only begin to
touch in our total “misfit-ness.”

Just as I felt I had to spend a lot of time
speaking up for my sexual, and emotional,
choice ten years ago, I find myself doing
the same thing now with people who don’t
understand why Sky and I don’t have full-
time careers in our particular fields (“You
have so many talents, you’re just wasting
your time at home with your kids”) with in-
comes to match. We are simply following
our hearts ‘just as all of us are with our gay,
lesbian or bisexual expressions - in reality,
we have no choice; we must be the way we
are, whether society likes it or not. I thank
The Flirtations for expressing that thought
so eloquently and deliciously with their
music, their laughter and their words. V

VIRGINIA TALBOT
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