touchstone, but his entry into it brought a
special gift to me; it irrevocably changed
what had been a debilitating five-year fo-
cus. I stopped seeing him as a gay man
who also happens to be my son, and saw
him as my son, who also happens to be a
gay man.

With that shift, my own coming out as
the mother of a gay son began. With his
permission, I tried the information out
on a few carefully selected friends. Their
reaction of surprise (or in a few cases, no
surprise), reflected love and concern and
no judgment. Reassured by the positive
experience of these initial forays, and en-
couraged but never pushed by my son, I
slowly expanded my range. Sitting in a
small audience of college students at a
panel discussion of gay, lesbian and bi-
sexual issues, I publicly, for the first
time, identified myself as the mother of a
gay son, willing to be a resource to any
parent or child whenever or however
needed. My involvement since then in
activities sponsored by and on behalf of
the gay community increases. I’ve
worked on committees, spoken as a pan-
elist and served as a workshop leader. I
can write and sign this piece with my
name. How far I have come from where
I was eleven years ago!

Questions naturally occurring around
sexual practice and emotional intimacy
are there, and where they involve our
mutual concern about AIDS, they are
openly addressed. Other than that, they
are a personal matter and we respect that
implicit boundary. There has been one
exception. Working toward an advanced
degree, I wrote a major paper which in-
volved research on homosexuality. My
_son gave me the journals he wrote dur-
ing his coming out process to use as a
primary source. How far, indeed, we
have come.

How do I feel now? Blessed and grate-
ful. Blessed by the gift of having this

honest, courageous, wise, and above all,
loving person in my life as my son;
blessed by the circumstance that brings
me, welcome, into the circle of his com-
munity; blessed by the mutual respect
and trust that brings him and his partner,
welcome, into mine; blessed by the pro-
cess which has brought into my life both
gay and lesbian friends whom I cherish.
And grateful. Grateful to be at a point
where I don’t have to deny who my son
is, where no guilt or shame mars my ap-
preciation for him as a perfect human be-
ing, where I rejoice in his uniqueness.
And grateful to be at a point where I can
offer support to others — gay child or
parent — on their own journeys.

One thing hasn’t changed. I’m still
afraid. I’m afraid for the safety of my
son, and I’m afraid for a world that does
not honor difference. If my story can
help change that, then I want it told.

Meanwhile, I’m looking forward to the
next parade, because I’m going to carry
my own sign, and I know what it will
say. “My son’s gay and WE’RE OK!”

A Son’s Story
Grey Todd
Dear Mom,

I feel like we have come a long way to-
gether in the last ten years or so, and yet
I haven’t really ever told you how grate-
ful I am for your company and counsel
during that time. I have had the great
luck of having a mother who has proven
herself to be open—minded, and who is
willing to learn as well as teach. You are
a beautiful human being, Mom, and I
have decided to take this opportunity to
let you know some of the many reasons
why I know this to be true. This is a
long-overdue Thank You note.

May 1992

On that night in June of 1981 when I sat
with you in the living room and told you
I was gay, thank you for telling me you
would always love me, no matter what.
That was the most important thing you
could have said. And thanks, in the mid-
dle of what was surely an overload of
emotional chaos, for remaining calm and
asking questions and expressing your
concern for my happiness and well-
being.

In the same light, thank you for not cov-
ering your ears and/or telling me you
didn’t want to hear about it, and for not
throwing me out of the house, or telling
me to go see a doctor or priest to save
me from burning in hell. Thank you also
for the next morning, when you didn’t
look at me differently.

Thank you for taking initiative by read-
ing books like Now That You Know, at-
tending support group meetings and for
watching all those Movies of the Week.

Thanks for taking Phil, Oprah and Sally
Jessy Raphael with a large grain of salt.

Thank you for going to hear speakers
and participating in seminars, and for
clipping articles and sending me Xe-
roxes.

Thank you for being the kind of mother
who can say “gay” out loud and not
make a face, and for making yourself
available to talk about my lifestyle with-
out judging it.

Thank you for asking me about my boy-
friends and...yes, even for offering opin-
ions about them.

Thank you for the birthday card in which

you wrote, “This was one of the best
days of my life.”

(‘nntinued next natu-

100 Main Street
P.O. Box 247

Burlington, VT 05402-0247

David W. Curtis
ATTORNEY AT LAW

HOFF, AGEL, CURTIS, PACHT & CASSIDY, P.C.

802-864-4531

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