Out in the Mountains

Companion Pieces

Those who know them are always struck
by the love and aflection between Joan
Todd and her son Grey, and their obvi-
ous respect for each other. Many, if not
all, of Joan's gay and lesbian friends
wish they had parents like her. Although
it is relatively common for gay men or
lesbians to write about their families, or
for straight parents to write about their
gay children, it is unusual for both par-
ent and child to write about each other in
the same space. These companion pieces
were written independently, at the re-
quest of OIT M, and neither Joan nor
Grey saw the other's article until they'd
finished their own. — Sage Russell

A Mother’s Story
Joan Todd

“My son’s gay, and he’s OK!” pro-
claimed the sign being carried by the
man next to me. Watching the festivities
last summer with my two California
based sons, I had impulsively jumped off
the spectator wall and joined the P-
FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians
and Gays) contingent in San Francisco’s
Gay Pride Parade. Waving back to the
crowd, whose cheers unmistakably
swelled when our group passed by, my
gesture, at first timid, became less and
less reserved. I was owning my share of
the pride that that parade is all about. I
was in a new and definitely good place.

It had taken ten years to get there.

Summoned to the living room on that
spring evening in 1981, I realized with
suddenness and certainty that my son
was about to tell me he was gay. The
thought had never before occurred to me,
but I knew its truth. It made sense of be-
wildering situations in his adolescence.
Handsome, intelligent, athletic and tal-
ented, his pattern had nonetheless been

one of sports mastered and dropped, in-
terests begun and left, friends made and
lost. I had sensed his aloneness; until
then, I had not known its source.

I don’t remember exactly what he said
that day. I do remember a nimble of re-
actions: Denial (it’s just a phase that he’ll
grow out of); Guilt (what did I do
wrong?); Shame (what will people say?);
Anger (why is he choosing to do this?);
Fear (he’ll be in such dangerl); Self-
ishness (what about our grandchildren?);
and — oh yes — Sadness (my dear, dear
son - you are going to miss so much.)

That day and those reactions were the be-
ginning of a long journey. Hoping on the
one hand that the less acknowledged, the
more likely “the situation” would go
away, I was driven, on the other, to fix it.
I wanted to make the world right again
for this person I loved so much. And I
wanted to make it right again for me.

My fix-it strategy was to become as in-
formed as possible. Surely there was a
book, an article, a TV show, a lecture, a
pamphlet or somebody who could tell me
what was “wrong” and what to do about
it. I began by reading and then rereading
the book he gave me, Now That You
Know, by Betty Fairchild and Nancy
Hayward (may every gay child’s parent
have a copy!). I haunted libraries, hov-
ered over the TV, sought the confidences
and imposed on the patience of the few
acquaintances who I knew or suspected
were gay.

Turned so inward, I didn’t do one im-
portant thing which might have shortened
the way. I did not engage my son in my
process. Acting but not feeling “normal,”
I did motherly things like go to his plays,
express concern about his college grades,
entertain the friends he brought home (al-
ways glad when they included women,
and feigning not to notice behavior that
might be construed as gay.) But I didn’t

share with him my questions, my am
ieties, my grief, my confusion. I was no
sure enough of my own place to be abl

to hear the answers and feel the feeling I

that might have helped us both. It was:
painful time.

It was also a time of growth. I don’t re
call there being much family com
munication about the subject, but I wt
nevertheless absorbing a fundamenll
lesson from two sources there. One was
the response of his younger brother an
sister to their brother’s being gay. In
stinctively ready to protect them, I wt
surprised to have my anxiety allayed by
their assimilating the fact with seemingl}
little effort, no apparent element of vul
nerability, and even explicit expression
of support. The other source was my
mother, living next door, whose un
remitting, unconditional love for he
grandson provided an essential strengtl
in that crucial period of adjustment. Ill
lesson was clear: this person whom
loved so much hadn’t changed. I had jus
been given a new understanding of will
he was.

The adage that there’s no such thinga
coincidence came to be proven. Five
years had passed since my son had firt
come out to me. I had needed that much
time to accept the reality, stop blaming
myself, redirect my anger away from
him to a bigoted world, and become so
cure enough to offer my active supportin
whatever way might be asked by him.l
was ready when the request came.

It wasn’t centered on gay issues. Whilel
had been struggling with those, my son
had been struggling with the problem of
his substance abuse. In February of
1986, I got a phone call. “Mom, what are
the 12 steps?” He knew I knew, and
drawing on the experience, strength and
hope that I and countless others could of-
fer, he began to recover. Our common re-
covery program continues to be a strong

TELEPHONE (802) 524-9595

FAMILY PRACTICE

OFFICE HOURS
BY APPOINTMENT

CAROL L. THAYER, M.D.

R.D. 2, BOX 1 160
FAIRFAX, VERMONT 05454

Rm. 3E

Lynn Goyette, M.S.Ed., M.A.C.P.
Feminist Counseling and Psychotherapy

Lesbian & Gay Affirmative
Individual - Couple - Group Work

Richardson Place

860-6360

2 Church St.
Burlington, VT

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