= Kate

: Kate is more tightly closeted than Martin
and also more conflicted about it. Like
I Martin she does not live in the town where

she teaches, and keeps her private life very

I private. She has been a first grade teacher

for about six years. She is not so concerned
about her colleagues, but she doesn’t trust
the community she works in. There was
once a homophobic incident in the town,
the details of which are unclear, but which
people still refer to years later. She thinks
some people at school suspect she’s a les-
bian and other people know.

“I honestly don’t know any gays or les-

ibians that are out and work in public

schools. I can't think of one. I do know
gays and lesbians that work in public
schools, none of whom are out. And I
don’t honestly know that they would keep
their jobs. Public school almost more than
anything else is such a homophobic en-
vironment. You have to worry about the
community and the parents and the kids,
and it is really an enmeshed homophobic
system. People are fairly open if you’re
working with adults. I think people’s ho-
mophobia just goes through the roof when
you’re working with little kids. It’s more
scary to think that the community would as
a group say, ’We want her out of here’
than the school system itself.

“I really lead two separate lives. There are
very few people I work with who have
ever been to my house, who I’ve ever done
anything with socially. People don’t really
ask any personal questions because they’re
not people that I hang out with.” Being
closeted at work carries over into her life
outside work too. “There are times when
you’re shopping or you’re in a place where
you’re being yourself, being comfortable,
and then all of a sudden you turn around
and there’s someone you work with. And
you go, ‘Eeek, what do I do? How do I re-

spond to that?’ And that’s real un-
comfortable at times. You’re forced to sort
of be on edge because you’re always wor-
ried that that person that you don’t want to
know is going to find out. And that’s
hard.”

She goes to parents’ meetings, plays, band
concerts, baseball games and the like, but
in general she doesn’t attend social events
at school like the holiday party, and she
would never consider taking her partner.

Kate doesn’t hold out much hope for im-
provement in the elementary schools. Be-
cause the schools are public and everybody
goes, she thinks changes will be slow.
“People are much more willing to accept
someone who’s gay or lesbian if they have
a choice about their own affiliation, and
you don’t in public school. I think that’s
really hard for people to swallow. I think
change is going to be really slow in ele-
mentary schools. And it certainly is im-
peded by people like me. I have to take re-
sponsibility for that, in that things are going
to change even more slowly until I’m will-
ing to come out, and I’m willing to say, ‘I’m
a lesbian. I’m still really good at my job, and
I still want to work here. How can we make
that work?’ ”

She doesn’t get a lot of pressure from other
gays and lesbians to come out, except in a
joking way. They understand the ram-
ifications. But she feels a lot of internal
pressure.

“I can be talking to a friend, and they say,
‘How do you do that, literally just split
your life in half‘? It must be so hard.’ And it
is. And a lot of times, I think about wanting
to leave and work in a different environ-
ment where I could just be totally out And
then, there’s that part of me that feels like
somewhere, something is getting through
to kids that needs to get through. That you
can have an alternative lifestyle and really

April 1992

be a productive adult and not have the typ-
ical nuclear farnily...T‘here are times when
I definitely think I want to leave. And then
there are other times when I think, no, I
need to be here. These kids need to not just
have contact with pregnant married wom-
en (laughs). They have to know that there
is another way.”

It is conceivable, but not likely that one
day the conflict could become so great that
Kate oouldn’t keep going. “I think that
could happen. I think to some degree that
there would have to be some catalyst for
that to happen. I think I move through my
work pretty comfortably. And people work
with me pretty comfortably. And I think
I’ve gotten into a space where unless
something really traumatic were to hap-
pen, unless something were really to blow
apart, that the comfort level is OK at this
point for me. Something would really have
to give way in order for that not to be OK.

‘‘There’s definitely a cost. There’s always
a fear; what if I’m found out? There is a
cost because things don’t change if people
aren’t out Things don’t get better. Things
aren’t going to change in that system un-
less people say, ‘Don’t say that because I
am one of those people, and you like me
for who I am, so let's talk about that.’ And
that really is hard. You feel like you’re
selling yourself out.”

Ben

Ben has taught fifth grade at the same
school for more than ten years. He lives in
the community where he works and shares
a house with Scott, his partner of many
years. Ben is out, at school and in the com-
munity, and he is making it work. He says,
though, that most of the gay and lesbian
teachers he knows are closeted.

Being out at school is in part the result of
luck — the school board that interviewed

100 Main Street
P.O. Box 247
Burlington, VT 05402-0247

David W. Curtis
ATTORNEY AT LAW

HOFF, AGEL, CURTIS, PACHT & CASSIDY, P.C.

802-864-4531

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