Out in the Mountains

On Keeping Faith and Letting Go: A Talk with Susan Bellemare

Sage Russell

When the custody case she’s been fight-
ing for two and a half years finally end-
ed, Susan Bellemare decided to break
her silence and talk about her life then
and now. She spoke to Out in the Moun-
tains so that she could reach the gay and
lesbian community in Vermont directly,
and because she feels the mainstream
press, on the whole, has not presented
the issues involved in the case fairly. The
meeting took place in the ojfice of her at-
torney, Susan Murray, who was present
for the interview.

OIT M: How do you feel about the settle-
ment?

Susan Bellemare: I feel very good about
the settlement. It would have been nice if
the case could have set some precedents,
but I also am really glad that it’s over,
because the fight has been very emo-
tionally draining for me. But I’ve also
been able to develop a relationship with
Susan’s mother and her sister again,
mind you not her dad, somewhat on the
level that we had before. To the point
where they’re very much involved in
Collin’s life, and they’re beginning to be
more involved in my life. Things are
working out nicely. We’re able to com-
municate. They're starting to settle in
and be his grandparents and not act like
his parents. For a long period of time
that’s what I felt they were trying to do;
they were trying to take over for Susan
and be pseudo-parents and that I was not
going to be his mother. And I feel that
now they’ve given that up and they’ve
acknowledged the fact that I am now
Collin’s mom. And I do, I really feel
that.

OITM: And do you think that’s going to
continue at this point?

SB: I hope so. I don’t know what it’s go-
ing to be like, because of course, I’m go-
ing to adopt Collin. That’s the final
clincher to this whole thing. In the stip-
ulation all the standards have been set.
Collin’s name will remain Hamilton, but
I don’t want just to have the overhang of
guardian over him. We have bonded to-
gether, and he’s now my son and I am
his mother. I hope that I can just con-
tinue to have them create a trusting re-
lationship, which I’ve really been trying
to do. That they know that I'm not going
to take Collin and run away with him.
I’m not going to do anything. I just want
him to know that I have adopted him, I
love him, and I’m now his mother.

OITM: How has Collin been through all
of this?

SB: I go back to the day that we went to
court and I picked him up after he had
been away for six weeks. I can re-
member going back to the house with
him. He was only 15 months old, and I
was unsure of what his memory would
be of what was going on. He was very
comfortable going with me, and we went
back to the house. We kept all his toys in
the living room. He ran in and grabbed
his toys, and he came back out on the
porch. And he grabbed my hand, and he
said, “Come with me, Mommy.” It just
grabbed my heart because I realized that
I was now his only mother, not just a co-
parent. He has done very well. I have to
admit the first year was difficult. I was
recovering from the death of my partner
and I had gone back to work. I was go-
ing through my grieving process, I had
just finished school, and now I had this
child by myself. And plus, I was in a
high-stress job. So the first year was hor-
rible for me emotionally. I was trying to
be there for him in all aspects and then
to get through this custody thing at the
same time. But we learned about each
other, and we grew together, and we
bonded very closely. And now we have a
wonderful relationship. I don’t know
what his memories are of Susan. From
the time of her death I talked to him
about her all the time. There are pictures
around. We go over videos together. We
go through pictures together. So he
knows that Susan gave birth to him, that
he was in her stomach, and that he has
two mothers. And he acknowledges her
death, for what he understands of death.
And he’s a well developed little boy.
He’s well adjusted. Matter of fact, I just
had a parent-teacher conference last
week. The teacher said, “I read the news-
paper article. My God, this kid should be
in therapy, and I’ve never met a more
well adjusted little guy.”

OITM: What’s it been like for you to
have been dragged out of the closet? It
didn’t seem like this was your choice,
coming out this way.

SB: I was actually afraid. I didn’t know
what to expect. I was recuperating in
Bennington, my home town, after the ac-
cident, and was there for six weeks. It
was printed all over the state, and I was
reading it in my home town. My parents
were exposed. It’s amazing the support
that came out of it. I cannot think of one

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negative tone that I got except from the
Burlington Free Press. The people I
worked with, my family, all of my
friends, people in the community, from
Canada all the way out to California,
were writing to me and supporting me.
And after that point it was like it didn’t
matter any more. I actually felt comfort-
able about it. I felt proud to be who I was
and be able to be strong and go through
what I was going through, because I had
the support of everybody around me.
And that was really important.

OITM: What made you decide to break
your silence and talk to Out in the Moun-
tains?

SB: This has been ongoing. When this all
transpired, being a very private person, I
felt so vulnerable and exposed. As time
has gone on and I’ve learned more about
myself and the legal part of the custody
thing, I guess I just wanted for the first
time to be able to share with people emo-
tionally what it’s felt like and the legal
implications of what’s gone on, so we
can put this to rest. Now I just want to be
able to say, “This is what it was like.
This is what Susan (Murray) did for me,
and it’s over with.”

OITM: Tell me a little bit about what Su-
san Murray has done for you.

SB: I’d never had any kind of dealings
with attorneys before in my life. Russ
(the original attorney on the case) needed
to step down because he ended up being
a witness on the signature page for the
will. I didn’t know what was going to
happen. He said, “I have a person in
mind, who has sought me out because of
her interest in this case, that I’d like you
to talk to.” And at that point he made
mention of Susan’s sexuality and the fact
that she was a woman. I thought, hope-
fully this is going to be good for me. She
called me, and we talked on the phone
for a long time, and then we met. The
most important thing for me at that point
— I wasn’t thinking about Susan’s cre-
dentials or her law experience —- was
that she was a woman, and she was able
to relate to me about what was actually
going on. I mean, I could cry with her.
She supported me. When I needed to be
strong, she told me to stand up and keep
my chin up. And over this period of
time, we’ve developed a friendship that
has been very beneficial. I told her a lit-
tle while ago that I felt like I was drown-
ing in this massive pool of water, and
she’s been like a life preserver for me.
She really kept me afloat, I mean pro-