Out in the Mountains

Reflections on a Campaign

Howard Russell

In 1990 I made a decision to run for the
Vermont State Senate. I ran and I lost. As
you can well imagine, it was not an easy
loss to accept. I had insisted throughout the
campaign that nothing less than winning
was sufficient and I maintain that today. I
don’t say that in an attempt to put myself or
anyone else down. The effort that was put
out by one and all was amazing. I say it be-
cause I believe that it is vital, as members
of an oppressed group, that we settle for
nothing less than everything. “Almost” is
not good enough. We deserve much, much
more.

I have been wanting to write about my ex-
perience of this campaign for some time but
have found it very difficult to do so. I have
been amazed at how low my batteries were
after the election and how long it is taking
them to recharge. It has been very difficult
for me to even talk about what it is I

‘ learned through this effort. But now is the

timetodosome ofthatinordertoglean the
lessons for me and perhaps some of the les-
sons for us as a community.

The following is a list of some of the les-
sons I have been able to identify for myself.
It continues to grow the more I reflect back
on the last year.

1. Dare to take yourself seriously. What
you have to say is vital. Believe in it.

2. You don’t have to have all the an-
swers to raise important questions.

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3. Our perspective and our voices as
gay, lesbian and bisexual people are ab-
solutely necessary in making this a bet-
ter state and a better world.

4. If you speak from your heart, from
what you truly believe, the integrity of
what you have to say will carry the mes-
sage.

5. It’s better to be rejected as who you
are than to be accepted as someone you
are not. It is not only important what
you say but that you use your own true
voice in saying it.

6. Don’t wait for the fear to go away.
It’s probably with you for the long haul.

All of these have been important lessons
for me to learn, however, I think the final
one has been the most important I think
this is a lesson that we have to learn over
and over again as gay people. In this cul-
ture we are constantly being challenged to
make the commitment anew not to be con-
trolled by our own fear.

This campaign was both terrifying for me
and exhilarating. The most terrifying mo-
ment for me personally was marching in
the 4th of July parade in my home town.
Was I-Iinesburg, Vermont ready for a na-
tive son to be marching down the street as
an openly gay candidiate for public office?
I had been open about being gay for years,
but I had always been cautious in my home
town. How hard would they let me push
before they shoved back? I was terrified,
but it was something that I knew I had to
do. I did it and I survived.

I was also terrified at the prospect of going
door-to-door. You can’t imagine how
many timeslparkedonastreetandtriedto
coax myself to go and knock on that first
door. What would people do? Would they
recognize me? Would they attack me? I fi-
nally did get myself to knock on that fust
door, and then a second, and then a third
and I was on my way. I knocked on doors.
I fought off dogs. I got lectured at. I got
hugged. I got in debates. But I got heard.

I was terrified going to my first debate.
Would I make a fool of myself? Would I
be hiuniliated? What did I know anyway?
Again, the first time was the most ter-
rifying, the second somewhat less so, and
so on. It was never completely comfort-
able. I did learn that when I took the risk of
speaking of what I truly believed people
would listen. They didn’t always agree
with me but they rarely attacked me.

I find myself feeling vulnerable sharing as
much as I have so far in this article. I won-
der if in reading this, you all will simply see
me as “tooling my own horn.” That is not
my intention. As gay people, we are con-
stantly being challenged to move forward
in spite of our fear. If we wait for the fear to
go away, we remain stuck where we are. I
suspect that I, like most gay people, will al-
ways carry significant amounts of this fear
with me throughout my life. The fear de-
serves to be noticed. After all, we do live in
an unsafe society for gay people as well as
other minorities. However, the fear does not
deserve to be given control of our lives.

There also were exhilarating parts of the
campaign. By far the most wonderful part
of the campaign was standing at the polls in
my home town on election day and being
overwhelmed by the statements of support
fmm so many in my “community of or-
igin.” It really felt like a part of me coming
home for the first time in my life.

So I came out of this campaign somewhat
battered, extremely exhausted, definitely
wiser and most definitely prouder. Not just
proud of myself for pushing through my
own fear, but proud of the communities that
Iarnapaitof.Thereweresomanyin-
dividual acts of courage that I had the priv-
ilege of witnessing throughout the cam-
paign: people volunteering to go door-to-
door all over the county; people standing on
well-traveled streets with signs saying “Ho-
ward Russell for Vermont State Senate”;
people putting bumper stickers on their cars
despite the assumptions that this would
probably invite.

This was not only an effort by gay, lesbian
and bisexual people, but this group in co-
alition with many straight allies. The power
of this coalition clearly took mainstream
politics by suprise.

So now the question that many are be-
ginning to ask me: will I fun again in ’92’?
The truth is that I still don’t know. I came
out of this campaign not only with an
awareness of what is possible politically,
but also with a commitment to do what is
right for me. As of yet, I don’t know what
that is. Ifrunning in ’92 is the next step that
is right for me, then that’s the next step that
I'll take. If it’s not, then I’ll be moving on
in another direction.

The more important question for each one of
you is “what is your next step in finding
your voice and moving forward?” I look for-
ward with delight to hearing all about it. V