Out in the Mountains

 

Reflections on a Year Lived Alone

by Celia Hunter -

It was almost exactly a year ago that
Nikki and I broke up after more than three
years together. “Together” in a manner of
speaking. Throughout our relationship we
lived in different states. Sometimes I think
that partof the reason we broke up when we
did was that the time was coming when we
could finally choose to live together, or at
least in the same town.

Even though I lived alone before the
break-up, I was used to thinking of myself
as a part of a couple, and there have been
lots of adjustments. Suddenly I was spend-
ing my weekends in Vermont and not on the
road; suddenly I had no one to spend vaca-
tions with, no one to talk to about the funny
or frustrating things that happened every
day, no one to whom I was special.

I’ve had to struggle with the fear that in
being single I’ve simply reverted to my
natural state, that I’m hard to get along
with, and that no one else will take me on.

There is a lot of time in a year to run
through a whole range of emotions — over
and over again — and I have. I’ve been
angry, hurt, and lonely plenty of times. I
have sometimes felt left out of a lesbian
world that seems to revolve around
couples.

I hear how lesbians tmn their ex-lovers
into their best friends. That hasn’t hap-
pened with Nikki and me, and I don’t know
if itever will. Right now we have no contact
at all. While I miss having her in my life,
I’m not ready to be friends.

I could go on in this vein, but I don’t
want to. You get the picture. I’d rather talk
about some of the satisfactions I’ve had
being alone, and there have been many. In
not having another person to consider, I’ve
had the space to think and learn about

myself. I’ve learned to think about myself
as a separate person again — to find out
what I want and what I like. I’ve started to
make plans for myself, rather than adjust to
someone else’s. I’ve had time to develop
new interests and become involved in new
activities.

Although I have definitely been single
- I haven’t even dated, whether out of fear
of lack of opportunity I can’t really say —
I’ve hardly been a hermit. I’ve put lots of
time and energy into forming new friend-
ships and revitalizing old ones, time and
energy that simply weren’t available be-
fore.

These days my friends come in a vari-
ety of shapes, genders, ages, and sexual
orientations. I have a few gay male friends
for the first time, in addition to the women
friends who have always been at the center
of my life. I never had much to do with men
in my younger days, and it’s been weird
and sometimes wonderful to show up at
gay/lesbian functions with a male escort. I
tell myself that I can live without a lover if
I have to, but I would die without my
friends.

While I was part of a lesbian couple, I
was very closeted and constantly afraid of
being found out. In the year that I’ve been
alone, I haven’t worried so much about
what people think of me, both within and
outside the community. I’ve let go to a
great extent of thinking that being a lesbian
means subscribing to a certain set of behav-
iors, attitudes, expectations, even appear-
ance — the notion of “political correctness”
that has never seemed to fit me very well.
With this freedom, my delight and pride in
being a lesbian has increased a hun-
dredfold.

Simultaneously, I have come out in

ways I never could have imagined a year
ago — to co-workers, to strangers, politi-
cally, in print. This has been an incredibly
liberating, at times terrifying process. I
often don’t recognize myself any more. It
ought to be possible to grow individually
while pan of a couple. I hope that’s true,
but for me, for whatever reason, these
changes would not have occurred if I had
been in a relationship this past year.

Having so much freedom can be scary,
but I kind of like it. I have spent my time
alone, doing whatever I felt like — reading,
thinking, sometimes just watching televi-
sion or talking to the cats. I needed some
blank spaces in my life, and I’ve been glad
to have them back. I enjoy my own com-
pany again.

This is where I am right now. I wonder
where I’ll be in a year. To be honest, I hope
I’ll have moved on. The time, space and
solitude to redefine myself and grow into
this new definition have been precious.

I hope I’ve reached a point where Ican
take this new knowledge and use it within
a relationship, and that I’ll be brave enough
to try if and when the opportunity comes. In
the meantime I’ve learned that I don’t have
to fear being single, and that sometimes it’s
necessary.

Having now survived the break-up of
two long-term, serious relationships, I real-
ize I can’t count on going through life with
one other person, no matter how romantic
that sounds. The only person I can count on
going through life with is me, and the
journey will be better if I like my traveling
companion.

 
    
   
 
 
 
  

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66 Main St. (Upstairs)

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Psychotherapist

Individual and Group
Counseling

(802) 388-0933

Middlebury, VT 05753

Lesbian therapy group beginning in June

INDIVIDUAL. COUPLE AND
FAMILY COUNSELING

MICHAEL FERNANDES. M.ED.

MAIN STREET - PO BOX 63

i602) 348-7225

WILLIAMSVILLE. VT 05362

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