(Ed. Note: The following article deals with
sexual matters in a explicit and honest
manner. Rather than censor what we feel to
be important and potentially life-saving
educational information, we leave our
readers to exercise their own judgment in
reading this piece.)

So it finally happened. After years of
looking, failed attempts, love gone wrong,
a few (or maybe quite a few) one night
stands, you've finally met Mister Right and
you're settling down into the Serious Rela-
tionship. Yup, this is it; wedding bells are
ringing, your friends are buying you toast-
ers, you're hosting dinner parties, and
you've got a jointchecking account. All you
need now is the white picket fence.

And of course, you don't need to bother
with condoms and all that safe sex stuff
anymore, do you? After all, haven't we
been told again and again that the way not
to get AIDS/HIV is to “know your partner,"
and have a “mutually monogamous rela-
tionship?"

Many gay men still believe the moral-
istic messages that intend for us to think
that people who have multiple sexual part-
ners, bar pick-ups and sex in public places
may get this virus because they do “sleazy"
things, or they're “sluts,” or whatever other
judgmental attitude we have absorbed from
the rest of society. “It" might happen to
“bad" people, but not to happy newlyweds.

As Ann Landers might say, “Wake up
and smell the coffee, guys!” The boys in the
bars might go home with lots of people and
the rest-stop gang may have oral sex (of
questionable safety). but it is in the bed-
rooms of long-terrn lovers that most of the
intercourse without condoms is going on.
Maybe we can tell a relative stranger that
they have to wear a condom, but our own
lover? No, that just brings up too many
issues for some of us to deal with.

How can a couple safely make the
decision that their sexual relationship no
longer needs to follow safer sex guidelines?
What steps can be taken to assure safety?
Where does testing fit into that decision-
making?

It is importanttoremember that simply
being in a relationship does not prevent
HIV infection. If one of the partners has or
acquires HIV, the other partner is at risk if
they practice unprotected sex.

Yet it is equally important to remind
ourselves that HIV does not arise spontane-

AIDS and the Serious Relationship

ously; it must be introduced from an exter-
nal source. If two people with no previous
history of risk enter a relationship, by defi-
nition everything they do is risk free (at
least as long as they remain monogamous).
But face it, most of us are not virgins likely
to meet another virgin and begin a lifelong
relationship. Still, for many people, the
prospect of years and years of possibly
unnecessary condom use with their one
and only is simply too much to bear.

A few guidelines:

First, is this really a serious relation-
ship? It is easy to fall into apattem of serial
monogamy, spending a few months with
one partner, breaking up, and then starting
up a new relationship. Unprotected sex in
this contextis notsafer sex; thechanging of
partners allows too many opportunities for
infection to happen. Ask yourselfhow long
you’ve been together. What kind of pattern
do you have from your previous relation-
ships? What period of time does it take
being together before you consider it a
serious relationship?

If you've decided that yes, this is the
real thing, the next question to ask is “Are
we really going to be monogamous?" This
is not a question you can consider lightly.
Talk it over together and be honest with
each other. Have you been monogamous in
past relationships, or do you tend, even
rarely, to play around? If you are not plan-
ning monogamy, are you both comfortable
with the safer sex limits outside of the
relationship? Is it okay with you if he
engages in mutual masturbation with
someone else, but not condom-protected
intercourse? Where do you each draw the
line, and are you each willing to inform the
other if that line gets crossed?

When you talk about these issues,
tough questions of trust are bound to come
up. Ask yourself: If I slip up, am I really
willing to tell him, and would he tell me the
same? Or would either of you be too afraid
of the effect it would have on the relation-
ship to risk that degree of honesty? Talk
about it now, but also make a point of
renewing the agreement as the relationship
goes on. The stakes are too high in this to
allow someone to be put at risk when he
thinks he should be safe. If you have agreed
to monogamy, you have an obligation to
inform your partner that the circumstances
have changed.

After you've decided that the relation-

 

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ship is serious and that you have an agree-
ment on sex outside of the relationship, the
next issue is knowing each other's HIV
status.

Obviously, unprotected sex is only safe
if both partners are uninfected. Deciding to
learn each other's HIV status is not, how-
ever, something to be taken lightly.

Ask each other about your history:
Does either of you have a history of unpro-
tected sex or needle-sharing prior to your
relationship? If so — even once — you have to
assume that one of you could be infected
and continue practicing safer sex.

Invariably, the question of getting
tested will come up. It is difficult, but many

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