Dear OITM.

I just wanted you to know I lost my
lover on November 19, 1990 of cancer. He
passed away in my arms at 6:00 a.m. andl
had to face death head-on for the first time.

I brought him home from the hospital
the middle of October with the understand-
ing thatl would have to give him morphine
every eight hours. Well, with the help of
Hospice and Home Health Care, things
seemed to work out fine. Then it got down
to the last week-and-a-half, and he turned
for the worse. The Doctor ordered that he
get the morphine every four hours.

In the last week of his illness, it got so
that my lover could not even puff on a
cigarette, so I had to work around it. My
lover wanted a smoke so bad thatl had to do
the smoking for him by taking a puff and
blowing it in his mouth, but he did get his
cigarette.

I have done a lot of thinking since he
passed away. Did I do enough for him to
keep him alive? Could I have done more?
But I have been told there was no more I
could have done for him.

I have just a few things to say to others
with lovers who are dying. Don’t hold back
your feelings. Tell each other how much
you love each other. Try to tell each other
that you are hurting and you will find out
how much you can help each other through
the rough times. Be sure to get in touch with
Hospice in your area because they sure are
abig help. For a fact, I am still being helped
by them. Also get in touch with your Coun-
seling Service; they are a big help too.

People, I have done a lot of wrongs
myself. There are a lot of things I would
have loved to tell my lover but never got the
chance. People, I am not saying it is not
going to hurt, because let me tell you, I am
still hurting. I even got mad at my lover for
dying on me. Also, I blamed God for taking
him away from me.

I have never been so lonesome in all
my life as I am at this time. You could say
I haven’t dealt with it yet. I still sit looking
at T.V. and think he is going to walk in the
door any minute. You are going to have a
hard time if your lover does not do what
mine did. Four days before he passed away
he made outaliving will so it wouldbeeasy
on me: where he would like to be buried,
which Church he wanted, and which under-
taker to use.

Butl have just one more thing to say:
Yes, we had Hospice, but we were the first
ODCII gays for them down here. So I would

Don't Hold Back‘

like to be able to help them with other gays
in the area. As it sets at this time I feel all
alone here because the town doesn’t want
anything to do with me after the write-up in
the paper about my lover’ s death. I have just
a few people I can count on: the ones who
stood beside us to the end.

I am not as lucky as a lot of gays. There
are no gay support groups around here. I
have a counselor whom I think the world of,
the head of Hospice, as well as the people
of Community Action.

So all I can tell you other gays is let
your feelings out and show each other how
much you care for one another. Life is too
short, so live it to the fullest with each other.
Don’t let it get away from you.

With Love,

A Gay Friend
Wayne D. Bannister
E. Middlebury

The Definition of "Gay"

Ed. Note: The following letter was
written in response to a Letter to the Editor
by James Hayes of Enosburg Falls in the
Burlington Free Press. That letter ex-
pressed concern that homosexuals used the
word "gay” to describe themselves. After a
trip to the dictionary, Mr. Hayes claimed
that he “was surprised to find that it also
does describe them. Gay also means wan-
ton, licentious (which is defined as disre-
garding accepted rules and standards,
morally unrestrained), dissolute, lascivi-
ous, libertine." Mr. Hayes went on to ex-
press concern that “our legislative body is
spending tax dollars and time to draft laws
to protect individuals for disregarding
accepted rules and standards; character-
ized by or expressing lust or Iewdness.”

Dear Editor,

So Mr James Hayes of Enosburg Falls
chooses to define us as “wanton, licentious,
dissolute, lascivious, and libertine.” He
also states that in our innocence, “gay”
meant happy and lighthearted.

Mr. Hayes should rephrase his state-

. ment. He chooses the negative meaning of ‘

gay to support not his innocence of the
word, but his bigotry.

I am not wanton; those who know me
can attest to that. I am not licentious; those
who know me can attest to that. I am not

 

April 1991

immoral, unrestrained or lascivious. Those
who know me will attest to that. I, in fact,
am a hard working, caring individual, who
respects those around me.

In turn, I know some unrestrained and
wanton heterosexuals. They, in my opin-
ion, have every right to exist. So do I. I also
have every right to be protected by the laws
drafted by our legislative body.

If people like Mr. Hayes released their
bigotry and hate, the legislative body
would not have to spend tax dollars to
defend me.

Sincerely,

John Castaldo

Waterbury Center

(More letters on next page)

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