ITE YOUR

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Dear Auntie Pearl: I think my lover,
“Holly” is falling in love with another
woman. We have been together 5 years.
We own a house together. We always
said we expect to grow old together. But

all the signs are there that Holly and this
woman are attracted to each other.

  

Copyright 1994

We have always trusted each other, so I
haven’t questioned anything. But she’s
spending more and more time with her
friend. My friends say I should confront
her, but l’ve always believed that if you
throw a fit or makes demands, it makes
things worse. I’ve tried to get her to talk
about what they do, in a friendly way —
like I would with anybody. l’ve even
teased her about looking like
“lovebirds”, but shejust laughs.

How do I find out what’s going on
without acting distrustful or making it
worse? I hope it’s not true, but I’1n
beside myself because I think it is. --

Soon To [35 Ex?

Dear Soon To Be Ex: Congratulations!
You have just been named Ms.
Accommodating 1994! While you’re
lying back and taking it, why not invite
The Crush over to consummate the
attraction tonight.

Martyrdom is not what it used to be.
There’s no sainthood in this for you, so
quit wondering and start talking. Holly
isn’t the enemy, dear niece, she’s your
partner. If you’re suspicious, Holly
already knows. Tell her what’s been
troubling you. She’ll either set your
mind at ease or she’ll come clean with
the hard news. Either way you’ll have
the thing you need most: information.

You and Holly are responsible for the
health of your relationship. If you
suspect that Holly is forgetting that
responsibility, it doesn’t mean that you
can slack—off too.

Dear Auntie Pearl: I think my nephew,
“Ben”, is gay. We’ve always been close.
I’m his favorite uncle, but he doesn’t
know I’m gay. He’s only 14, but I’ve
had a feeling that he’s gay for awhile.
He has a male friend that he goes off
into his room with for hours at a time.
The way Ben talks about his friend, and
the way they are together, he seems in
love. They’re both popular, outgoing,
active kids, but neither of them has
girlfriends.

The problem is that his parents (my
sister and brother-in-law) tease him
terribly about spending so much time
with his friend, plus they say the usual
homophobic things about life in general.
Ben jokes along with them, but I’m
afraid of what this might feel like for
him if he is gay. I’m not out to them
myself, because they’re so homophobic.

I don’t know ifl should say something
to Ben. If he is gay, but he doesn’t know
it, it might make him feel bad about his

June 1994
friendship. I’m afraid it’ll freak him out

that somebody else can tell. But if he’s

straight, he might not want to be close to
me anymore.

Do you think it would do more damage
to come out to him? I wish I knew
somebody gay when I was his age. I’d
hate to find out years from now that I
could have made things easier for him.
What do you advise? --

Cloeeted Uncle

Dear Closeted Uncle: If Ben is queer,
straight, or indifferent, his parents’
remarks are harming him. It .shouldn’t
take his suspected queerness to make you
try to end this boy’s homophobic
training. Do you want partial credit for
the creation of the world’s next queer
basher?

According to Auntie’s clock, it’s
half—past time for you to come out —— to
Ben and his parents together. Telling Ben
in secret will teach him that queerness is
shameful. Keep the focus on you. If Ben
wants to follow suit, that’s his business.

If your nephew is straight, he’ll learn that
he knows and loves someone queer. If
he’s gay, he’ll get his first lesson in pride
and courage.

Write Your Auntie Pearl appears in
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questions or comments to.‘ Auntie Pearl
PO Box 4156 Burlington VT 05406. V

Psychasynthesis

(802) 254 -8032

MICHAEL GIGANTE, PH.D.

Counseling & Therapy

15 Myrtle St., Brattlebora, VT 05301

P.O. Box 247

04/94

David W. Curtis
ATTORNEY AT LAW

HOFF, CURTIS, PACHT, CASSIDY & FRAME, P.C.
100 Main Street

Burlington, VT 05402-0247

802-864-4531