Out in the Mountains Crushed Out Jayne Shoup Crush Rules 1. Inform your partner of being crushed out. 2. Gather information about The Crush, but do not infringe on her privacy. 3. Contemplate The Crush : adorn re- frigerator with her picture. 4. Swap Crush info with other devotees. 5. Don’t learn too much: keep the mys- tery alive. The 1993-1994 University of Vermont women’s basketball season is finally un- derway, and in the nick of time. The em- bers of my crush—that paralyzing state of mind and heart which renders usually sane, level—thinking lesbians silent and gasping for air, weak—kneed, no less—were dying low. Having not seen the Crush for some months, save the late October after- noon while stacking wood when, I swear, The Crush rode past my house on her mountain bike. Oh, it was her alright: baby dyke blue helmet, neon green shirt, black Spandex shorts. I stood only thirty feet from our dirt road, so I know it was her. Not that anyone believes me. The home opener rekindles my crush, like adding seasoned wood chips to a bed of hot coals. From sections 7 or 5, Rows I or E or Q, we watch and worship. Crush- es are about enduring near panic-attack conditions-sweaty palms and arm pits, reddened faces, tightening chest muscles and the ultimate, roller—coaster belly. My crushes have varied over time. Gabriella Sabatini was a hot one for me. For a while it was Bonnie Raitt, but she is too regular, almost un—crushab1e. My big crush was Prince. For many years my Prince crush stunned friends who couldn’t believe a dyke like me could cmsh on a guy like Prince. “Why?” they asker. The music, the out- rageousness, the dancing, the on—edge attitude, the stiletto heels? I cannot ex- plain crushes, mine or anyone else’s. I get crushed by those who embody a quality that I lack and would like to have or a quality I do possess and admire in others. I am a monogamous crusher. I only have eyes for my hoop star now. She is not the first basketball player I’ve crushed over. That was Skeeter: long- legged, lean, jump-shooting, tennis- playing, Skeeter. I met her at a Virginia sports camp in the rnid-70’s when wom- en’s basketball was in its infancy, and girls’ team names were ferninized: Fal- conettes, Bobkittens, Golden Damsels. Following the UVM-Dartmouth game, five of us sit waiting for The Crush to emerge from the locker room. We swap Crush information and confess Crush rit- uals with the full awareness of our part- ners. One knows the restaurant where The Crush’s family eats prior to home games. Another swears The Crush attended the Lesbian Lounge Lizards. Someone claims that The Crush was spotted at The Lesbian Archives in NYC, but she admits this is third—hand information. We contemplate acquiring our Crush’s address, but, ac- cording to crush rules, this goes too far. We cannot upset The Crush. Her father, when asked if his family had anything to do with the posters and banners devoted to his daughter last season, commented, “There are rules about what family can do—fans can get away with anything. Not family. No way.” We are sort of family, so we have to be cool. Maybe a little cooler than we actual- ly are. We wait. Slowly, casually, The Crush appears. She signs autographs for the pups. She dresses as a late 70’s woodswoman: untucked flannel shirt over a purple tee—shirt, chestnut brown painter pants, suede hiking shoes. We discuss ac- quiring similar garb, but, again, such an action goes too far. A matronly woman gains The Crush’s attention and gets a hug which causes us to titter. Two other women approach. They appear to be a couple, together long enough to begin to look alike, early rniddle—age, like us. 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