Out in the Mountains

YOUR

AUNTIE PEARL
/ 
Write Your Auntie Pearl

Copyright 1994

   

Dear Auntie Pearl,

My lover and I have been together for 4
years. In the last year we’ve made love
about four times. At first it bothered me,
but now I’m worried, because I don’t
even want to anymore. But obviously, I
think it’s a problem, or I wouldn’t be
writing to you. My lover knows I’m
writing, and she’s concerned too.

I know things slow down after the hon-
eymoon, but this is ridiculous. It’s not
like either of us have abuse histories
that would cause a problem like this. My
lover and I have a great relationship oth-
erwise. Both of us feel strongly that we
need to respect each other’s right to con-
trol our own bodies. So we’ve agreed
that we won't have sex unless it feels
right.

Give a euhecription to
Out In The Mouhtaine _
as a gift!

TELEPHONE (302) 524-9595 '

OFFICE HOURS
BY APPOINTMENT
O4/94

CAROL L. THAYER, M.D.
FAMILY PRACTICE

R. D. 2, BOX 1160
FAIRFAX, VERMONT 05454

I know that love and respect are more
important than sex, but we both want a
sex life of some kind. I hope you can
help us understand why this is happening
and what we can do about it. Thanks.

Nearly a Nun in the South
Dear Nearly,

Auntie has been patient. You've brushed
your teeth, and said your prayers.
Enough stalling. Go to bed! Stay in
there together until your minds shut up
and your bodies take over. If you wait
until it “feels right”, you’ll never have
sex.

A sexless partnership like yours is about
control. Take an overdue gander at
Auntie Pearl’s Power Checklist: Who
takes responsibility for the bills? Who
sets up your social calendar? Who de-
cides what’s for dinner?

If you answered anything but “Either of
us” to any of these questions, you’ve got
a power imbalance breeding ground.
Stop acting out your resentments in bed.

You do not have Auntie’s permission to
continue to conduct a sexless re-
lationship. Love and respect are most
certainly not “more important than sex”.
They’re precisely as important. Now go
to your room.

Dear Auntie Pearl,

I’m 41 and my lover, “Colin” is 28.
We’ve been living together for three
years, and we’ve been very happy. But
now something is threatening every-
thing. Colin has a very close lesbian
friend who wants him to be the sperm
donor for her to get pregnant. She and
her lover live just down the street, and

they’re all excited about having Colin
and me involved in raising this child.
Colin is all for it, and now he admits to
me that he always wanted children.

Auntie Pearl, I have an 18-year-old
daughter from a previous marriage, who
lives a few miles from me, with her
mother. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve
done my child rearing. I’ve loved every
stage of my wonderful daughter’s de-
velopment, and I’m finally enjoying
spending adult time with her. I have ab-
solutely no interest in starting over again.

Colin says that I’m trying to deny him
what I have. He says that because he has
given up our weekends together when
my daughter stays with us, that now I
should want to be involved with a child
of his. I’m afraid that this may be the end
of us. It may be too late for us, but
please tell your readers to talk about chil-
dren before they get involved. There’s
no guarantee anymore that a man who is
childless when he comes out will stay
that way. I learned the hard way.

One-Time Dad
Dear Dad,

Your advice is sound, especially in this
day when creative parenting options
abound. You know from experience
how strong the need to breed can be.

This may be an irreconcilable difference,
but don’t give up until you two discuss
specifics. Determine if any amount of
compromise is acceptable to either of
you. A few sessions with a couples
counselor will help. Good luck.

Write Your Auntie Pearl appears in pub-
lications nationwide. Send your ques-
tions or comments to: Auntie Pearl Box
4156 Burlington VT 05406. V

Stephanie Buck, M.A.

individuals - couples - groups

Elm Street Feminist Counseling

155 Elm Street - Montpelier, VT 05602 - 802 223-7173