Out in the Mountains

   

by Patricia J.
"Impressionable" is the word some
parents I know used recently to describe
their twelve- and fourteen-year old "pre-
teenagers." The discussion concerned
when and how to explain to them that they
have a relative who is lesbian.

"We want to do it right. We're such a
private family we don't even talk about
politics, not to mention sex lives." These
are parents doing their best to be open, to
accept what they don't understand, but now
it's no longer just an issue for the adults in
the family...and questions about the chil-
dren intensify and spotlight the discomfort
of everyone around them.

I can't help but wonder if we're under-
estimating the young and their awareness,
shutting them out with our own "concem"
for their welfare. When my niece was eight,
she asked me why I wasn't married. I was
with her and her best friend at the play-
ground. My stomach felt suddenly hollow
and heavy — for a moment — and then I said
that I felt you should live with your best
friend, the person you loved most, and for

A Different Li

we needed at fourteen) when we avoid the
obvious and interpret their continued si-
lence as innocence or ignorance?

I recently asked a group of parents
what they would say to their children and
when. One mother of girls, ten and six, said
her responses have changed when one asks,
"Can women marry women?" Now she
says "women can love women or men" and
"men can love women or men." She also
tells them, "They can't really marry but they
can love who they want."

That particular child heard the reality,
but how many others do? Usually the more
comfortable adults are around gays and
lesbians, the closer and more positive their
relationships with us have been, the clearer
their responses to children's questions will
be. Another parent expressed uneasiness
that her child could possibly be different

fe: What Do We Tell the Children?

from her, and that her child might also have
to face a world that is harsh and judgemen-
tal toward gays, lesbians, and bisexuals.

So what do we tell the children? Hope-
fully the truth — not our own particular per-
spective, as if that alone could ever be the
whole picture — and we can be open our-
selves to learning what that truth is. It won't
be the same for everyone, and that, too, is
important for them to hear. We can tell
them what we know and what we don't
know...we can leave open the possibility
that they may not only have questions about
others, but about themselves as well.

We can help the children begin to see
that curiosity about homosexuality brings
up questions about love as well as about
sexuality. We can do this with them if we
can do it with ourselves, and that may be the
real question to ask — are we ready?

Walter I. Zeichner, MA, NCC

me that was a woman she seemed satisfied Theresa Bacon, MA Wellness Programs
with that and we continued swinging. /
I rarely see her now because we live in g

different states, but I'm ready to talk with

her more and I hope she might like to talk to

me. Not being her parent, I can't know her  

well enough to be sure of what she's think- ‘X/\/"

ing or feelin , but I wonder if an of us

really knows %he inner world of the c}l'1ildren , presents

around us,  

On a recent PBS special, Polish pre- r r i n n

teens were interviewed about AIDS. "They 

don't talk to us about it," one articulate . . . . .
young woman Sam "They mink if they Come share with us a day of experiences, guided meditations, and
don't tell us we won't find out. We already group sharing, to heal your relationship with your body.
ktr“‘1‘;“,{ "‘b°“‘i"'b“‘W° “°°‘”°k“°“’ ‘"ha"S We'll explore body image and our sense of how we feel, move,
live inside our bodies, in a safe space where our sexuality is al-
ready acknowledged and affirmed.
Warmth, healing music, lovely lunch provided
Group size limited to 20
Time: 10 — 5 Saturday, February 2, 1991
Cost: $50 if registered by Jan. 15, $55 if registered after Jan. 15
For information and to register contact
Walter 863-5510 or Theresa 425-4079
This workshop is for you if you would like to know
that you are beautiful.

Twenty years ago it was possible to be
thirteen and not hear the words "gay" or
"lesbian." That's no longer true. Children
grow up in a world where they do hear the
words, and much of what they hear is one-
sided and homophobic, more fiction than
fact. Parents, teachers, and other adults in
their lives have a responsibility to help
them feel open and unashamed when it
comes to asking questions about what they
hear. But should they be the ones who have
to use "those words" first, since so many
adults still avoid using them? Are we un-
derestimating them (and forgetting what

14