Private Lives/Social Change (continuedfrompage9)

a general expectation that Craig would
come to the wedding. The invitation came
addressed to both of us (as have invitations
to weddings from co-workers). He had
been to the engagement party. But Craig
chose not to go. He tried to explain why he
would not enjoy the day. There are many
reasons why it would have been painful.
Many of my relatives, while well-inten-
tioned, would have said things which
would have angered him. He would have
spent the entire day explaining who he was.
He would have been under the magnifying
glass of family examination. He would
have spent the day showing everyone that
our relationship is every bit as valid as my
sister's. And after ten years, that wears very
thin.

The process of coming out takes one
from one's own self to family and friends
and eventually to a public presence (those
two nice boys in the old farmhouse with the
beautiful gardens). There is a widening
circle of openness from the individual out
to the larger society.

There is a different series of transfor-
mations which the larger society goes
through, beginning with an awareness of
our existence (for better or worse), to a
tolerance for our presence, to an acceptance
of us as members of the human species, to
an appreciation of the special contributions
we make, to an enjoyment and celebration
of our differences. This circle begins with
the protection of relations among strangers
and proceeds through increasing degrees of
familiarity to neighbors and co-workers,
until finally defining family itself.

There is still a need to have our rela-
tionships accepted as the social building
blocks that they are and to extend to our
partners the benefits of a legal marriage. I

BOARDING - GROOMING

would really like to have Craig included
under my health insurance policy. It doesn't
need to be called a marriage. The current
jargon is domestic partners. (As a footnote,
when a domestic partner ordinance was
passed in Seattle, over 80 percent of the
people registering were heterosexual.
Think about that.)

Only when our relationships bear an
official stamp of approval will it be pos-
sible to answer the hate and fear with a
positive alternative. A Hate Crimes law and
Civil Rights legislation may provide some
protection, but those laws tell people what
not to do. A domestic partner law would
enable us to take a big step forward. This is
not to say that all gay and lesbian people
want to be in a sanctioned, primary, penna-
nent relationship, but many of us do and, to
some extent, are.

November 1990

Which brings me back to families,
from that which we are born into to those
which we create. Human beings are social
creatures. Our families are our strongest al-
lies. I thank mine, though not often enough,
for the support they have given me and
Craig. I urge them to take stronger stands on
my behalf. Though most of the time we talk
about the weather, our jobs, and our homes,
underneath it all we are still talking about
our love for each other.

When I last went back home, I gave my
mother, my father, and both my sisters gift
subscriptions to Out in the Mountains.
Maybe they will pick up some of the details
of our lives and see the ways in which we
are similar and the ways in which we are
different. The initial reviews have been
positive. Let's see if they renew on their
own next year.

  
 
 
 
 
 
   
 
  

 

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