October 1990

Tom Two Ways: Confessions of a Bisexual

by Maxwell Keene

In my childhood, I used to run about
the woods behind my house pretending that
I was the fust human being ever to dash
through that tall grass, swing from branch
to branch in that maple grove, and scarnper
across the tops of boulders bigger (or so I
thought then) than the moon. IfI had diffi-
culties communing with people, I had none
communing with nature, and so there I
lived a great part of my yormger days,
mostly alone.

I looked to nature (and still do) for
many things - answers to questions, confu-
mations of decisions, companionship in
solitude - and sought to find some kind of
identity there, some kind of validation.
Like the Native Americans whose lives so
fascinated me, I listened hard to the wind
and the rain on stormy days, struggling to
hear if my name, my true name, was being
called.

It would only be years later that I
would come to fully understand the mean-
ing of the Indian name I eventually chose
for myself, “Torn Two Ways.” At fust,
Torn Two Ways was a boy who would long
to be a part of society, but would also feel
the need to escape and hide, a fearful re-
cluse in the wild world. He would crave
companionship, yet find ultimate solace
only in being alone.

Years would pass before I would re-
turn to define Torn Two Ways as a man. It
happened one night as I swam my thrice-a-
week mile at a local pool (water, after all,
has always been an important catalyst for
revelation in my life). Nomrally I would
swim in Lane One, but this night I had
arrived rather late and so had to sandwich
myself between two swimmers at that side
of the pool.

. To my left in Lane One was a beautiful
blond woman of perfect stroke, swimsuit
cut high along the hip, long smooth legs
fluttering behind with a kick like flirtation
Itself. A dedicated swimmer, her strength
d1dn’t flag the entire time I was there, and
many times I found we were swimming
side by side, the underwater current of her
movement sending out a teasing warning
whenever we came too close. Swimming
head-on towards me, she seemed like a
goddess, an athletic Artemis, keeper of the
hunt and symbol of fertility. Her shape was
full like her movement, fluid and graceful,
strong and assured.

To my right, in Lane Two, was a lean

young man struggling with his strokes,
muscles taut from the effort and red striped
swimsuit rippling around his middle as he
tore through the water. His styles varied,
from the undulating breast stroke which
sent him under and up to the back crawl
which lifted him, chest arched and glisten-
ing just above the surface. If he was on
show he was showing it all, from the sturdy
cage ofthat chest to the hard slope of his
stomach to the aching strength of his legs.

Back and forth I wentbetween the two.

Which one, I asked myself, would I
want most to brush up against in the water?
Which one, if I were so bold, would I want
most to meet after the swim, either outside
at the checkout desk or inside in the locker
room? Back and forth I continued between
the two, asking these questions, looking
first to Lane One, then to Lane Two.

This episode symbolized a great ten-
sion I had always felt in my life, an attrac-
tion to both men and women, yet rarely had
I felt the two so strongly at the same time.
The feeling inside was like a great ripping,
a desire to halve the heart in my chest and
dedicate one partto the man,onepart tothe
woman.

Since that time, I have leamed that the
two resulting halves of my heart would not
be the same in size, forl have become more
fully aware that my attraction to men is
stronger. In accordance with that, I have
chosen to identify myselfas a gay man, for
there I believe I will find the most happi-
ness in both love and life.

On dedicating myself to life in the gay
community, however, I came upon a curi-
ous situation. I had resigned myself to the
discrimination and mistreatment I would
encounter as a gay man in a hetero-oriented
society, but was shocked to find that similar
discrimination and mistreatment was
heaped upon bisexuals in
the lesbian and gay commu-
nity. “Bisexuality is just a
dodge,” many would tell
me. “You're either gay or
you're not.”

This seemed rather
odd, comingas itdid from a
community which cele-
brated diversity and sought
continuously to shatter tra-
ditional myths about sexu-
ality. I had read many stud-
ies on sexual orientation,

by members of the gay community, and
most concluded that sexuality should best
be viewed as a spectrum, as a continuum
ranging from straight heterosexuality to
out-and-out homosexuality. Such a spec-
trum left a lot of room in the middle, and
that's where I found myself - in the middle.

I've moved around that middle quite a
bit, actually, looking for a comfortable spot
to settle in. It is true that I started off trying
to convince myself that I was firmly on the
heterosexual side, but time pushed me past
the center over into the homosexual side. In
that respect, bisexuality was an effective
way of easing myself into gay life.

At this point in my life I’ve spent
several years dedicated to exploring the
“gay-identifying” side of my sexual orien-
tation, for it is without question the stronger
side. I have resigned myself to a life without
a traditional family, something else which
had also exerted a strong pull on my soul.
Yet even as I find myself exploring the
riches of life as a gay man, my head urms
occasionally at the passing of an attractive
woman and the tug-of-war inside is re-
newed. My gay male friends laugh at my
behavior and tell me I'm betraying “the
cause” when I date women, but there's a
part of me that needs that nourishment and
seeks fulfilhnent, even if that only means
walking through the woods after dinner
holding hands.

Regardless of what I do, it seems there
will always be the two ways, and I will
always be torn between them. Ifthat means
being torn between two communities
which both demand full allegiance, then
that is the task I must face. But for the
moment, I’ll just keep plugging away until
I’ve gone the complete mile, and if I don’t
find the answer by the end of that, tomor-
row I'll dive in and do it again.

INNKE E PE RS:
Peter and
Ron

Style

Warmth

Charm
Tranquil
Country

 

Surroundings
Cgnwooal Q/Manor

Lower Waterford Rd., E. Bartnet, Vermont 05821 (802) 633-4047

many of them quoted often

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