Out in the Mountains

I S O I  E 0 I1 (continued from preceding page)

by saying that normality was a state of
mind. End of conversation.
We didn’t talk about this for a couple

of years. It was an “off-limits” subject,‘

something bound to bring up feelings that
would hurt each of us. ButI wanted it out in
theopen again.Iwas goingto graduate high
school that year. I
was planning on

nothing more than to tell her of my crushes
and giggle about the women I've met, but I
couldn’t. The tension would have been too
much for the both of us, so I kept quiet and
went my own way as she went hers.
Because of my mother's uneasiness on
the subject, I had to establish new support

 
   

were held and the people I worked with-
were asking me what I felt about different
issues dealing with gays. This openness
was great, but it got me wondering: Am I
really that obvious? It's not like I wore my
sexuality on my sleeve, but I did have a
habit of flirting with some of the female

customers and I

sometimes men-

going to college,
where I’d certainly
meet others like
myself. I believed

''I didn't say much because d:/ep down I agreed with her -
Captain Kirk did look a

ully strange in pink."

tioned the confer-
ences I went to. It
was wonderful to be
so open and candid

it was time my
mother faced up to
who I am.

On the day of the Big Chat, she walked
into my room and sat down on my bed.
After a few preliminaries that more or less
pussy-footed around the subject, I asked
her point blank if she would mind if I lived
with another woman. Without batting an
eyelash, she said she wouldn’t mind at all.
What a relief‘!

Things changed, however. The
woman I thought to be so open-minded was
suddenly different. She kept asking me if I
would go to a doctor in order to be “normal”
and made comments about having grand-
children. Why had she regressed? Was my
mother scared of what others may say if
they found out she had a lesbian daughter?

I didn’t know how to react to her. I was
not back in hiding as far as my mother was
concerned. I became once again in her eyes
the sweet little girl she envisioned me to be,
the one that would have a nice big wedding,
grandchildren, and provide her with all she
ever wanted in her life to feel fulfilled as a
mother, except that my lesbianism was
getting in the way of all that. Her “straight
and narrow” view of life was quickly be-
coming too stifling. I would have loved

systems. Joining the gay students’ group on
campus was a start, but I found it rather
limited. It met only every two weeks and at
times I’d be the only woman there. I found
myself in the position once more of finding
alternate means of expression.

1 did not have to try too hard. Some of
my straight friends simply figured me out.
One in particular was a friend named
Dawn. Dawn knew that an openly gay
friend of ours was going to a gay student
conference, and she also knew that I was
going to a conference around that time. but
I was not too specific about where it was or
what it was about. When Dawn put two and
two together and realized that I was going
to the same conference, it didn’t phase her
at all. Indeed, she became quite conscious
of what she said around me. One night we
were discussing the new Star Trek movie
and she remarked that Captain Kirk looked
like a fag in his bright pink uniform. She
quickly retracted this statement, apologiz-
ing profusely. I didn't say much because
deep down I agreed with her - Captain Kirk
did look awfully strange in pink.

As time wore on, suitemates were
asking me when the gay students’ meeting

   

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with people who
cared enough to
understand, whether gay or straight.

I can't have that kind of relationship
with everybody, of course. My mother is
still rather uncomfortable discussing
homosexuality with me. I guess most
people are uncomfortable when the subject
comes up, and I have to deal with that.
Perhaps this is what coming out of the
proverbial closet is all about - taking risks.
I took a risk coming out to my mother; I
took a risk being honest with my friends;
and I take a risk in writing this.

It has been worth the risk, for coming
out also means breaking out of isolation,
asserting my right to exist as I am without
ever having to hide again.

Ponscript: This paper was written in 1 98 7.
Within those three years, my mother's attitude
towards me made a 180 degreeflip. She now
talks about the issue of homosexuality with rela-
tive ease, even going so far as to suggest I need
a girlfriend when I told her I wanted a large
number of cats for my birthday (of course, she
may not have wanted to give me the large num-
ber of cats). Anyway , we've come to the point
where I could talk about my crushes and such
and believe me, it is certainly a relief! Also,
people assume I'm gay whether they actually
know that or not. That's a relief as well!

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