October 1990

  

 

Revelations of a 14-year-old Lesbian

I always wish I didn't have to keep the
real me hidden in the mountains, or in the
closet, as people say. I can never write
about howl feel without someone thinking
I'm crazy, perverted, or sick. I can live with
the crazy part, since I am a little off the wall
at times and because I know no one is
normal, but perverted and sick? No, I can't
live with that.

I don't know how to explain how I
knew I was a lesbian at age eight. Ilmow it's
kind of yolmg, too young to even think
about such a topic or even know what it
means, but I seemed to know the meaning
and a lot about it.

I could try to explain how a person
finally realizes that he or she is gay, but it’s
like trying to explain how a person knows
he or she is heterosexual. I can tell you how
itwas, and still is, for me. Instead of turning
my head when a cute guy walked by, my
head would follow any girl I thought was
beautiful. I knew I could never ask any girl
out because my chances of another girl
being gay were one in ten.

Sometimes I think heterosexuals have
it easier finding someone to fall in love
with. Gays and lesbians have to be careful
and heterosexuals don't really have to.
Heterosexuals can flirt with almost anyone,
but gays and lesbians can't. We end up
looking at everyone carefully and wearing
buttons, pins, and jewelry that makes us
known to each other, or the world’s largest
“silent minority,” as we call ourselves.
When you bring it all down to it, there is no
specific course you go through - well, ex-
cept for finally admitting it to yourselfand
saying “Yes, I am."

For going on seven years I've heard
people say “Being that way has got to be so
hard” or “That's disgusting and abnormal
behavior” or “Get away from me." In some

ways it is hard to be a gay or lesbian; it
depends mostly on where you live. If you
live in a small town where not many people
are gay, then it's harder than living in a big
city where it would be more likely to find
acceptance.

The part about “disgusting and abnor-
mal behavior” - well, getting used to kiss-
ing and hugging your own sex is a little
hard, but it’s not abnormal. It takes a while
to get used to feeling comfortable with
anyone, and someone of your own sex is no
exception. It does make you feel a little
afraid at first, but it’s because you're not
used to seeing it in society, in everyday life.

Your mind is set on one type of behavior,
and what you normally see is what you call
nomtal.

When people say “Get away from me"
- that hurts anyone, even after you've heard
it a thousand times. I still don't know why
people are afraid of us. It's not like we
would rape anyone in math or lit class.

Being gay doesn't make you any dif-

ferent from anyone else in some ways; —

you're still human. Being gay isn’tdisgust-
ing, either; it’s two people falling in love,
and if love is a crime, then I think everyone
has broken the law at one point or another.

Isolation

by Miki Thomas

Nearly twenty people gather in a room
forameeting. The group isdiverse,ranging
from the most effeminate men to the most
masculine women to those ranging ranging
somewhere in between. They are different
yet they all share one thing in common:
they are gay. —

I belong to this group. It is the one time
of the week where I could be totally open
about myself, to fully express the feelings
of frustration and joy of being gay with
others of like orientation. For the rest of the
week, I'm back in the closet: isolated,
unable to express myself.

Being who I am affects how I relate to
my family and friends. I sometimes find it
hard to trust people, to let people into my
psyche without the fear of being rejected
and hurt, so at times I keep quiet, only
letting a selected few into my world. When
I did come out to people, the results ranged
from tension to tolerance, and in the proc-
ess I broke out of the sphere of isolation and
become more my own person.

I came out to my mother one month
before my fifteenth birthday. Idid not come
out right to her face or hear what she would
say. Instead,Islippedaletterinto herpurse.
Iwasscaredtocomeout,butlwas sickof
playing sweet little teeny—bopper. I knew I
was different, always had been. I had a
crush on Helen Reddy when all the other
second grade girls had cmshes on Donny
Osmond. I got jealous when my female
friends started playing with the boys.

My mother eventually read the letter,
but her response was not forthcoming.
However, she finally confronted me and
told methatl wastooymmgtoreallylmow
whatlwas, that this maybeaphase.Itried
to explain to her that this wasn't a phase,
that I actually did have feelings for other
females that were stronger than any I had
for males. She then hit me with the Reli-
gious Argument. “Homosexuality is not
‘norrnal,’” she said, “because God made
men and women to have babies and there-

fore homosexuality was a sin.” I countered
(continued on next page)

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