Out in the Mountains

 

by Hugh Coyle

With National Coming Out Day hap-
pening this month, those gays, lesbians,
and bisexuals who are still in the closet will
find themselves once again urged to come
out, come out, wherever they are and admit
to their true sexual orientation. But the
challenge of National Coming Out Day
doesn’t rest with closeted individuals
alone; it makes its demands on all gay,
lesbian, and bisexual people.

Those of us who are “out,” however
we may define that tenn, can and should
remember what it was like to finally con-
fess to the undeniable existence of a same-
sex attraction within ourselves. As a matter
of fact, we should take the time to write it all
down (as we asked some OITM devotees to
do) just so that we never forget what it was
like to go through that trauma, and so we
can further celebrate the richness of the
rewards. In doing so, we can also begin to
share with others what that experience is
like. After all, no one wants to step out of
the closet without knowing something
about what one is stepping into.

This is where the challenge of Coming
Out Day is greatest for the gay, lesbian, and
bisexual communities: in making those
communities open and welcoming enough
for people to come in. Without providing a
receptive environment for young, con-
fused, questioning, or justplain scared gays
and lesbians, the trauma of coming out will
not be lessened, and the likelihood of its
occurrence will diminish. We must all
work against that scenario and do what we
can to help those who are still closeted to
take those first few necessary steps.

A great part of this receptiveness irr-
volves patience and understanding along
with encouragement and support. This is
where the whole notion of outing went
astray - by fostering hostilities towards
those still in the closet, by employing force-
ful methods topush people “out,” by setting
the agenda for individuals on what should
and must be a personal process. Nothing is
gained by dragging someone to the top of a
mountain; only when that person has made
the journey himselfor herself will the view
achieved come to have full meaning.

'Ihis is notto saythatthejoimiey needs
to be made alone, but there must be provi-
sions made for solitude and reflection along
the way. A person coming out of the closet
is learning to define himself or herself in
new ways and is therefore vulnerable to
outside influences. Many of these come

Cming In

 
   

from the straight world in the form of rejec-
tion: “It's just a phase,” “You're not that
way,” “A good shrink can help you be
normal again.” Sadly, a number of these
pressining influences also come from our
own community as we too set definitions,
expectations, and limitations on the uses of
thewords “gay,” “lesbian,” and “bisexual.”

A person coming out of the closet is
coming into our community with all sorts
of new possibilities and energies. He or she
should be treated with tenderness and re-
spect, with open minds as well as open
arms. We need to affirm ourselves as hon-
est, caring individuals capable of healing
the wounds often incurred as a person es-
capes from his or her prison of denial. We
need to give that person time to rest, to
recover from the huge task he or she has just
accomplished, to regain the strength it took
to bring down the walls ofthat prison.

The best advice I ever received while I
was coming out was from a straight friend
of mine who told me to take it easy and to
expect some wrong tums here and there.
“Remember that this is a process,” he told
me, “and that you can't expect it to be over
and done with overnight.” Such advice
gave me room to breathe as I left the closet
I felt I wasn't being nished along into a
dense crowd of anxious people eager to
enlist me into the forces fighting for “the
cause;” it was more like walking casually
intoaroomoffriendswhowerereadyto
help when called upon, yet who were
equally ready to leave the room for a while
as I explored my new stnroundings for
myself before settling in.

I’m still exploring the room I came
into, and it’s a big and wonderful room. I've
bumped into the walls a few times, tripped
over a few pieces of furniture that I hadn’t
expected to find there, stepped on the toes
of other people as they too looked around,
and made some of my own strategies for re-
designing arid redecorating the place. I'm ..
thankful to the people who have allowed 
me such freedom, because they've allowed 1‘
me to be more myself than I was ever
allowed in the heterosexual world.

For me, this has been the true measure
of my “coming out” process, which contin- _
ues along with all of its successes and set- 
backs. The reward of it has been the accep-
tance I have fotmd, both in my new friends
and in myself. It is this sense ofacceptanoe. ,
of welcoming in, which I urge all of us.
straight and gay alike, to continue to strive 
toward on Coming Out Day this year. ’