f Ask Aunt Gay 1 Aunt Gay, housepainter and gardener, ~ ives in a cold, corner of the Northwest - Queerdom. She's been learning from her 3 nistakes for 87 years. ,5’ Dear Aunt Gay, ” Four years ago I left my lover and ler three children who I coparented ‘I when we all lived together. I left because ny lover was abusive to me. I saw the " thildren regularly for about six months I nfter I left, but to see them I had to have ' Iontact with her. If I didn’t do things S xactly her way she wouldn’t let me have 6 he kids. When I couldn’t stand being _ erked around anymore, I stopped see- 1 ng them. The children are stuck with , heir mother until they’re 18, so I didn’t and don’t want to make things harder by __ teing truthful about why I had to stop I eeing them. All they got was a vague ,[ tatement about how living with my 8 over wasn’t healthy for me anymore d nd then after awhile they didn’t see me. I was especially close to the oldest ,_ vho is now 13, and I miss her very much. ' ’inally I feel ready to deal with her mother however I need to, but every time think of getting in touch with her I get I_ ripped up by the same issue - I feel I need 1‘ Jexplain to her better why I left. On the 3_ ther hand, that issue seems trivial ,5 ompared to the pain of not having any )fontact for five more years. I’m sick of V, eing tripped, can you lend a hand? ll Le islear Tripped, ), Deep love can make anything else areem trivial. But you know it takes more man love to make a relationship work. iglnderstanding helps a lot, and frankly, ]_'our statement to the children doesn’t ‘sound vague. They lived through her abu- xiiveness too; on some level they know xactly why you left. And on some level {they’re probably madder than dunked cats 5 u and they don ’t want to understand anything at all. You very well might get away with no further explaining, but you will have to re- eam their trust. Coparenling is no breeze; if you pulled off being especially close to your 13-year-old once, I bet you can pull it off again. How did you do it that first time? Did you just keep being there for her, let her have her feelings and finally choose you? Give your new relationship time, and if it improves dramatically when she hits 18,1 won’t be surprised. Dear Aunt Gay, Can you give me some suggestions about how to come out at work? I’ve been at this place a few months. By now my co-workers have had a chance to see me as a person, so I think they’ll be able to absorb the truth instead of a stere- otype. The trouble is I’ve missed so many openings they don’t come up anymore. My co-workers must have decided that I’m the private type since I’ve been eva- sive about my social life. How can I let them know without jumping on a soap- box and shouting about heterosexism? I want it to come out naturally in conver- sation. Dear Conversant, Coming out naturally is an oxymoron. People only need to come out about what other people think isn’t natural, so it’s hard. But if other people gave you openings before, why not give yourselfsimilar open- ings? Be the one to ask them about their dates, then volunteer about yours. If it doesn’t go as smooth as silk, rest assured, educating people about our lives is an ongoing process; you’ll probably have many more chances to come out perfectly in the future. ©Aunt Gay 1990 Letters can be sent to: Aunt Gay, c/0 OITM, POB0x1 77,Burlington, VT05402. Letters will be edited for length. I Gifts for Friends Who Care’About 863-8326 PEACE on EARTH STORE I Books, Games, Clothing. Nicaraguan Coffee, The Fate of the Earth Rainforest Crunch, more... 186 College Street (upstairs) 863-8326 M—F 10-5; SAT 1-5 - Infertility Green Mountain Counseling Associates in Feminist Therapy Dina Afek, M.A. ° Life and Career Crises - Gay and Lesbian positive Individuals, Couples, Groups ' Sliding Fee Burlington 864-5595 4th Annual Tradeswomen Conf. Tradeswomen: Shaping a New Dec- ade is the theme of the 4th annual Northem New England Tradeswomen (NNETW) Conference, planned for March 30- April 1, 1990, in Montpelier, Vermont. Tradeswomen and their supporters from all over New England and New York, as well as other locations, are expected to attend. The conference will offer four work- shop tracks: Strategies for Success; Plan- ning for the Decade; Hands-on Skills; and Etc., Etc. Entertainment is also planned for both Friday and Saturday evenings. “The greatest success of the confer- ence has always been in the opportunity it offers tradeswomen to get together and discuss their mutual concerns,” said Ron- nie Sandler, Director of Northern New England Tradeswomen, the conference sponsor. “Isolation is one of the main ob- stacles to women in the skilled trades, and conferences such as this, as well as local support groups, help end that isolation. In fact, tradeswomen in Massachusetts who met at an early NNETW conference have organized their own conference for the last two years. Tradeswomen are organizing all around the country. This is a very exciting time to be a woman in the trades.” For more information, contact North- ern New England Tradeswomen, 1 Pros- pect Ave., St. Johnsbury, VT 05819 (802) 748-3308. from page 11 confidence and momentum into territories long deemed male. But let’s not froget we all don’t have to go along. What we want, after all, is a re-aligmnent, a kind of shake- down where everyone lands where they're most comfortable and useful, regardless of gender. If that means some of us stay be- hind with coonspicuously clean hands than so be it. Carol E. Cohen, M.S.W. - Substance Abuse and Co-dependency - Troubled relationships C. 15