j Out in the Mountains I'm Your Dad--And I'm Gay: C By K.K. Wilder (Eds. Note: This is the sixth in a series of articles about issues between gay men and the women who love them.) So she knows the man she loves is gay. And you’ve worked together to find a way to remain loving toward each other while still allowing yourselves to grow in your own directions. If necessary, you’ve sought counseling; perhaps you’ve found a sup- port group or even started one of your own. It isn’t that the pain is gone--it'll be there for some time to come--but you’ve both started coming to terms with the changes in your lives and what they will mean in your relationship. If there are chil- dren, though, there’s still the difficult task of telling them. “I’ll never, ever tell them,” many wives say. “I don’t want to risk turning them against their own father.” “But I can’t face them, either,” counter gay husbands. “There’s no way I’ll risk losing the love of my kids.” So what’s to be done then? Will you become one of the thousands of American families who live out a charade in front of the children, telling yourselves it's in their bestinterests? Ifyou and your wife separate or divorce, will you continue the lie when you start your new lifestyle--a lifestyle that may include a live-in male lover’? What’s he supposed to do when your children are around--disappear? ll. HAVEfl TM DEL ‘TOi I By subscribm ,1 not only will Iyour: mailbox line. discreetp .Wrile_the sizabl§.cost.9f as I addmnn Iosubs’ " :existenee;."Che’c gem’ abhg. ...t. M05402 -- |fN..a'f'? It’s tempting to let things slide, to tell “white lies” about why you and mom have been crying lately, often talking together in hushed voices. But kids can’t-be fooled for long and this method keeps all of you apart at a time when each of you needs the sup- port of the others. Instead, it’s now time to come together in strength as a couple and to tell your children what is happening. You need not wait until you both have everything worked out in your changing relationship before beginning a dialogue with your children; they don’ t need pat answers. They just need to be informed as to what’s happening to their home life as they knew it The good new is this: even the youngest of children show acceptance when told the truth. Al- though they may not completely under- stand what being gay means, they will comprehend that you love them and are trying to be honest with them. As for telling the older children, gay fathers have told me of their surprise when the young man or woman responds with, “Yeah, dad, it’s okay. I kind of suspected that.” But sometimes the discussion is tougher. The child who will have the most difficult time hearing your truth will be the adolescent boy, especially one just reach- ing puberty and dealing with his own emerging sexuality. He’s liable to want to shut his ears in spite of the fact that he’ll have concerns and fears about how your .- .. i($1 _ .. " « "€llll<21-l_