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VERMONT'S NEWSPAPER FOR LESBIANS AND GAY MEN

   

‘Volume IV, Number 8

November 1 989

Learning to Love / Learning to Grow

by Gwen Shervington

I’ve been out as a lesbian since 1979
and have gone through many changes
wound this love/sex stuff. Before I moved
1oVermont in 1978, I had started hanging
out with my cousin, a gay man, and his
friends in New York City. The brothers
were all so wild, crazy and carefree. To this
day I truly enjoy being around gay men
when they carry on.

I was a lot more comfortable hanging
outwith gay men than with lesbians. With
gay men I could just be myself, they cer-
Iwinly didn’t have any expectations of me.
But with lesbians it was different. I felt
uncomfortable and unsure of myself. Was I
opposed to act a certain way? To be flirta-
ions or open to being flirted with? Even
tough I was definitely turned on by
women, I became a shy little puppy when
wy cousin’s lesbian friends were around.

   
 
   
  

iobert J. Hearn
Gay Pride Week was celebrated this
with a few Bicentenial overtones. A
ommon slogan: “We’ve had enough, we
Want OUR freedom now.” However, until
ice iays can claim the freedom inside their
Win guts, they are not ready to take on
imily, friends, much less society.

There is certainly no one road to per-
ilnal freedom for a Gay person. I can only
flare parts of my own journey and inner
‘lmggle.

Who could say when this journey
ilgan? Freud would be right in going back
“birth, the first two or the first five years.
Bull would share some of the things which
[have experienced in the last 25 years.

Twenty years ago, I was living with a
utiful wife and three wonderful kids in
F138. As pastor of a liberal and progres-
"° Protestant church, I was a very re-
led member of the community, and had

   
 
  
 
 
 
 

Nonetheless, a year after I moved to
Vermont I decided that I would become
“one of the children”. I was attracted to
women, always have been, no use denying
that part of myself anymore. It made com-
plete sense for me to love and be with
women. A woman would understand me.
She would know how I feel. We’d be able
to be totally supportive to each other be-
cause we are both women.

My first relationship lasted about a
year and a half. The last six months were
spent in vicious battling. There is a very
thin line between love and hate. We crossed
over from love to hate completely. Our
mistake was trying to hold on to something
that could never be because of our imma-
turity and personality differences.

We were very much in love, but we
didn’t have what it took to work though our
diffences. We didn’t communicate effec-

just completed a term as President of the
Rotary Club. Certainly I was thought of as
“straight” by everyone, even myself.

At this time, I made a trip to Detroit to
attend a church convention. At the YMCA
I met a beautiful gay man from New York
and we ended up spending three days to-
gether. After making love with him, I felt
my whole world spinning and at times it
seemed totally upside down. There was
confusion, guilt, and pain; but, also a joy
that I had not experienced before.

After returning to Texas as a “straight
minister”, I called a psychiatrist friend and
went to talk with him. After telling him
what had happened in Detroit, be nearly
panicked. He placed himself on call 24
hours a day, and insisted thatl must get to
New York for professional help.

I entered therapy with the determina-
tion to get rid of my homosexual problem.
After two years of struggling, I began to

tively. We kept agreeing to “Try it again”
without making the necessary compro-
mises and changes. I was jealous of her
relationship with her friends. I handled this
jealousy by sleeping around. We moved in
together and the relationship plummeted
quickly into disaster.

I learn from my mistakes, Every hard
situation teaches us a lesson. From my first
wife I felt my lessons were to let go quickly
when things start to feel bad and to never
move in with a lover. I carried these lessons
into my second relationship. This relation-
ship lasted two years. We didn’t live to-
gether. As soon as she wanted to do some-
thing I thought was fucked-up, I bailed out
and ended the relationship. Perhaps Ilet go
of her a little too quickly, four days to be
exact, but we never crossed over the love/

hate line. We love each other to this day.
(Continued on page 9)

The Freedom of Coming Out

change my goal and started trying to live
with my feelings. Just before my fortieth
birthday, I realized thatl was ready to gi_\Le
_rr_13§_e_lf the freedom to be gay. Neither
family nor friends knew the full extent of
my celebration, I was certainly not out at
this point

While my wife and I were enjoying a
sexual relationship, I grew frustrated and
began to feel that it was grossly unfair to her
for me to have my primary sexual relation-
ships with gay friends. A separation was fi-
nally agreed upon.

Having always been very close to the
children, I found telling them about the
separation the hardest and most painful
thingl had ever had to do. Not only were the
kids upset, but they were very confused
since they knew that my wife and I loved
one another and were friends.

After a year, I was ready to tell them

' (Continued on page 3)