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f r theNew:

October 1989

  

- ;_ f.  .

Support for Gay Men and Women Who Love Them

) by K.K. Wilder
1 (Ed. Note: This is the fifth is a series on

articles about issues between gay men and
the women who love them.)

After comming out to yourself, com-
ling out to the woman who loves you is the
t most difficult task you’ve had. But you’ve
l finally done it; now you’re living with the
5 consequences.

At first, she may have tried denying
your news. Maybe she was even relieved--
after all, at least it wasn’t another woman.
Later, in an attempt to be understanding,

‘she probably attempted to learn gay jargon,

 

making the scene with you and your friends
atthe gay bars. You and she related better
sexually for a while because of the new
intimacy between you, but that only led to
further confusion. Now she’s become an-
gry or depressed and you feel helpless.

 

your own answers to that question:
1. Go to a counselor or support group. Be a
careful consumer where therapy is con-
cerned; shop around first. Get answers to
key questions before spending money: has
the therapist worked with other couples in
this situation? Does s/he have precon-
ceived ideas of what is best for you or will
s/he respectfully serve as a facilitator while
you and your partner work things out? Is the
support group meeting full of “ain’t-it-
awful-Alice” routines or does it give real
assistance? If you can’t find a support
group locally, creat one. No one under-
stands like people who have been there
themselves.

2.Educational groups. Several na-
tional groups offer direct assistance and
serve as spokes in a network. And network-
ing helps. Here are a few contacts:

651 Madison Street, Denver, CO 80206
National Group for Spouses of Lesbians
and Gays
PO Box 8898, Pittsburg, CA 94565
(415)432-9123

3. Read. Read everything you can find
on the subject, especially if it tells you what
has worked for other people. You won’t
agree with everything, but the more you
read, the more you’l1 determine you own
way of working things out. The Margeg
Hgmgsexpal Mar_i, by Michael W. Ross, is
heavy going. yet helpful. _Wlif2fl.I.‘I_ll§l12fl£1§
 , by Jean Gochros, is
off-targetin a few key areas, but gives good
examples of how other couples have coped.

The main thing to remember is this:
you and the woman who loves you can be
your own best advocates right now. With
patience and caring, you can choose paths
that support your individual identities and
self-esteem. There are no books, support
groups, ministers, or counselors who can
give you pat answers. As you both know
now, only too sadly, love doesn’t conquer

(Continued on page 15)

  

1 With one foot in the gay world, the (P-FLAG) Parents and Friends of
> otherback with your wife or girlfriend, you Lesbians and Gays

1 don‘tfeel accepted in either.J ust what gms PO Box 27605, Washington, D.C. 20038

your being gay mean to your relationship, (202)638-4200

6 tanyway? Here are several methods of find- P-FLAG Task Force for Spouses of Les-
6 rug help so that, together, you may reach bians and Gays

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‘All Ha1low's

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