AunMGay

Dear Aunt Gay,

I don’t have a problem directly with my
relationship-- we’ve been together-- happily-
- for nine years. But my lover has a man
friend who is a psychic and emotional vam-
pire. Their (thankfully) long distance rela-
tionship is very co-dependent. Seeing her
cave into his demands on the phone drives me
nuts! It’s all I can do not to grab the phone out
of her hand and scream obscenities at him.
Sometimes he calls every day for two weeks
and keeps her on the phone for two hours
each time. Once he called at two a.m. She
admits he’s manipulating her, that she ’s co-
dependent, but it isn’t changing much. Help!
l-low can I get disengaged from this situation?
How can I get her to disengage from him?
What should I do?

Dear Tangled.

It sounds awful to have your life with your
lover constantly invaded.

This creep is going to call again. What will
you need in order to feel powerful and good? An
agreement that some activities or times will be
sacred and uninterruptible’? Reassurance that
there will be a lover left for you when he’s done?

. Don’t let your anger keep you from addressing

your real issues.

As for how to disengage when it's actually
happening» that’s not easy. But it's really
simple: When she gets on the phone, you walk
away. You consider her phone call none of you
business. You get into some project that has as
much fascination for you as the drama of your
lover and her vampire.

It might help to tell yourself something
different about the whole scene. For example: “
My lover is a crisis counselor. She may get
beeped at any moment and be busy counseling
fora couple of hours.”

As for getting her to disengage: You ca.n't
force her to change her behavior, no matter how

, destructive you think it is. But people whose self

images are getting stronger make increasingly
healthy choices. You can help her build her self
image to the point that she won't be willing to
settle for an unhealthy relationship. Any support
You give her has the potential to do that, and any

criticism has the potential to wear it away. Of

V course she's doing the best she can right now.

I wonder if part of the problem comes
50171 your nine happy years together; maybe
You're suffering from lesbian overintimacy. Are
YOU two a little too close? In other words, do you
"Sent her limiting her accessibility to you be-
iwgeyou are afraid to limit your accessibility to

h other 5 au-

 
  
   
 

German, and Spanish.

 

0g Tutor Available for Private Lessons

Help with grammar and conversation in French, Q.

Specializing in Music Theory and Piano Techniques.
./fleasonable rates and convenient scheduling.

 

   
 
   

tonomy may be the key to your next nine years.

Dear Aunt Gay,

A lesbian who testified at the Montpelier
hearing in support of H211, the civil rights
bill for lesbians and gay men, recently re-
turned to herhome to find it had been vandal-
ized.I wrote about my feelings of outrage and
fear in a letter to the editor of the Times
Argus, asking them to omit my name and
address when they printed it, so I would not
become a target.

The editor refused to print the letter
without my name. He said, “I am sympathetic
to your situation, yet I also believe in our
policy of prohibiting anonymous letters to
the editor; I think if we allowed them then we
would risk becoming a forum for vile and
irresponsible opinions.”

I can’t help but feel that this is yet an-
other incident of discrimination, however
subtle it may be. I’ve thought about allowing
my signature to be printed. Even though I’m
legally disabled and unemployed, there’s my
landlord, medical caregivers’ and friends’
reactions to worry about.

On the other hand, I’ve tried rewriting
my letter and leaving out the parts about my
own sexual orientation, but this takes away
form the reason I wrote the letter in the first
place. I’m unhappy keeping my letter out of
the Times Argus altogether, but I can’t de-
cide what to do.

Also, I want the woman about whom I
speak in my letter to know of my support and
if I don’t speak up, that won’t happen!

I’m open to your suggestions.

Dear Speaking Up,

They've got you coming and going. You
@151 write omitting your sexual orientation, in
effect passing as an ally, a non-gay person who
supports us. But freedom of the press should
belong to everyone-- not just the people in no
danger from hate crimes.

About this Times Arggs policy, there is a
difference between an anonymous letter (saying
vile things or not) and a signed letter where the
writer, fearing for her safety, has her name
withheld in publication. There are papers will-
ing to withhold a name, so long as my know
who the writer is. You can encourage the Times
Arg1_1§ to make this distinction and to expand
their policy.

If they won't budge, you can urge people
you know to write, as allies or as outlesbians and
gay men, or you can try another paper. The
 ggg has an anonymous Speak Out
section, full of lively debate. Good luck!

Copyright Atmt Gay 1989

Q J‘ N
I Ca|i'Gi|Ies at 865-3941
'\.

June 1989

Alright. I want to know who this dude
Murphy was. You know, the jerk whose legisla-
tive abilities cornered blanket jurisdiction over
life’s minor disasters. I mean I'd settle for a few
amendments now and then- like maybe rescind-
ing the personal choice clause. (Hey, give me a
break here. PLEASE.)

I just don't get it. When presented with the
opportunity to make even the most banal selec-
tions, I invariably choose the WRONG ONE!

It hits me in the produce department of the
grocery store. After hours of carefully moles ting
each orange, I end up with the dry, fibrous ones.
These would-be baseballs are carefully dis-
guised by their gorgeous, cushiony skins. Ipick
the apples which immaculately conceive
worms, the potatoes that conceal black caverns
of rot, and cucumbers just waiting to develop
their latent fuzzy grey skins. (Come On.)

If I'm at the bank, get out of my line and
away from my car! Inside, I stand behind mer-
chants wielding six money bags from mysteri-
ous and hidden places. And, they all contain
loose change. Outside, I wait for folks who
forgot their deposit slips, their I.D., and which
bank this was. Once their stalled cars are towed
away, the teller goes on break.

I go to restaurants with two hour seating
delays and direct-from-Maine lobsters- as soon
as the truck gets back. Movies sell out the ticket
before mine, and parking garages turn on the
“full" sign between the timer and the gate. (Can
you believe it?)

Yet the real trauma occurs with my dumb-
struck attractions. Against my better judgement
and sotmd intentions, my knees sway mostly for
“danger dreams". These are the aloof ones, the
ones who run steamy then frost, the inacces-
sibles, unattainables, and catch-me-if-you-
cans. I just can’t help myself. At the time,
everyone else seems so boring.

I lmow. I lcnow. I should read “Women
Who Love Too Much". I have, fifteen times at
last count. Still I surrender to the “here I go
agains". Perhaps it's the morbid fascination
innate in human beings. That force that draws us
to dead birds despite queasy stomachs, or car
accidents in defiance of our horror. On a scale
from one to ten (dead birds to car accidents), my
last one was a ten car pile up. Let's see... there
were three eighteen wheelers, four Yugos, two
full leaf peeper buses, and one motorcycle.
Unfortunately, I drove in on the Kawasaki.

For now, my heart is in traction, but I’ll be
back in September. Until then....

Love Ya,

Me

15