Out in the Mountains Lette rs H o m e Connie by Dru Daugherty c. 1988 Unlike the rest of my brood, she most resembled her father’s side of the family. She was a beautiful newborn and grew into an adorable child—a dead ringer for the dark—haired, banged, chubby checked Campbell Soup Kids! She was a sensitive teenager, almost trying too hard to be too good. And, she was born with an infectious giggle which erupts, still, through herentire body. Maybe because she was the oldest, she expressed a real motherly concern for her siblings, possessed a strong sense of re- sponsibility for them. A Virgo/Libra Cusp person, she has a hard time making up her mind, always strives for perfection in whatever she does. She’s short—4’l1"— quite round and buxom, with large expres- sive brown eyes, and a head of thick, healthy hairmostpeople would envy. She’s a hugger. She loves to talk—real talk, mind you, no bull. She’s into feelings, spiritual- ity, growth, and she’s forever getting into jams because she cares so much about other people. I don’t remember when Connie came out to me. It just wasn’t that important. I was much more concerned about her deci- sion to be a single parent and I had known, instinctively, for years. Maybe it was easier for me than for a lot of parents because I’ve always been receptive to all people. I was also very in touch with my own physical attraction to other women, so this wasn’t a startling revelation to me. But, I was curi- ous. We used to talk about homosexuality a lot. Now we talk about how it affects her life, her relationshps, her sense of herself. We talk of her sisters’ reactions: “Is she going to raise her daughter like a boy?” We talk of her fears and the guilt that has resulted from the judgments of others. We also discuss the questions she has about bringing up a child in an alternative life- style. ,4 If you have an experience connected with coming out to family or friends, please send to Out In The Mountains. We would be glad to include it in this column. Sometimes, when she makes the five- hour drive to visit for a weekend or a holiday, we go dancing. I love to dance with Connie! She sort of burrows down, gets How Gay are the Holidays? by Eileen For many lesbians and gay men the holidays are not a time for celebration, but a time for hiding, lying, or denying the realities of our lives. In the aftermath of the winter holiday season I find myself reflect- ing, along with many of my friends, on this year’s experience—how it differed from the years before, and how far we still have to go. I’m one of the lucky ones. My family knows that I’m gay and accepts my lover into family gatherings. In fact, we had a delightful, low—key christrnas this year with my parents, my sister, my lover, and myself. But I’ve been through the uncom- fortable “she’s just a friend whose family doesn’t really celebrate so she wanted to come home with me” story and the “we each want to spend the holiday with our families” separation method and the ‘‘we’ll make our own holiday here” choice. In fact, I daresay I’ve probably nm through all the choices in one year of holidays alone. But even this year there was something missing. We hold a little bit back when M $39 Construction General Contractors Remodeling ° N 0 ]ob Too Small ° Free Estimates 862-4175 878-3129 into it, grins, and lets it all out! I do tl same. We make eye contact, laughing ll side at what others might be thinking, an leave the floor, our arms around one at other. She’s a good person, a good mother, wonderful daughter, my Connie. And, have this deep, ever-present ache inside ft her. If there were choices, I don’tknow wl anyone would choose to love their own sc this way. It is not a gay life. It is a hard lil Ms. Dru Daugherty writes a column in! Hlaman, and is a regular contributor to th Timg: Argus Commentary Page, (Zgurig and the Wilmin gmn Qrggkgr Barrel. we’re at their house. We don’t toucha much; we tone down the nicknames. I’t not entirely sure why. But that’s anothe story. Thepointis we do—we change wha we get together with our straight familia and I know that we are not alone in thi behavior. In fact, I often don‘t notice tha I’m doing it. I only realize when I get hom that I feel as though I can let go and rela finally, as if I’d been on my guard fa awhile. And I’m one of the lucky ones. Then there’s location. In their ow space they can accept me much more easil than they can accept me in my home sut rounded by my gay friends. They don‘ know any other lesbians besides me and mi friends. When I go to their place they ct deal with me as the daughter they know When they come to my place they havet deal with me as an adult with a life of m} own, a life they don’t entirely understand But is the gay holiday experience tha much different from the experience a many straight children? I don’t know. Ca tainly, I know many straight couples wh deal with the problems of whose parents! visit when, who encounter parents or sib lin gs who dislike a spouse or lover, and wit find them selves changing in the presenceo critical parents. In some ways the issuesal the same. We as children have to learn! see our parents as human beings withl their faults and realize they try to love usth best they know how. But the issues becom more complicated when you add the sexul preference component. And the complid tions make me wonder sometimes if holi days are steps forward in our lives, timesl celebrate, or obstacles on the road to a trill. gay celebration. 4