‘even live or not.

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Writing Home

Okay! Okay! I know that I had‘
promised some friends to write about my
experiences as a Lesbian, but I am
well-practiced procrastinator. Perhaps the
biggest excuse is the fear of sharing my
thoughts and my life with the public. Why
even attempt to convey what's on my mind?
Maybe if we all share what we feel and
what we experience, then we can understand
each other better and support each other
more. It's tough to be gay and alone!

So What’s my story? In the past year
and a half, I have gone through a rapid
transition from a scared, closed-up, quiet,
always frowning individual to a more open,
confident, noisy, laughing woman. The
cause for the change lies with my coming
out as a woman-identified woman, a fact that
had laid dormant for too many years.
Sometimes I can’t believe that I was ever any
different than I am today.

Let me back up a bit, to why it took
me so long to find my true path. I grew
up in the steamy heat of Texas, born to a
good Catholic family. Of course, my folks
wanted me to have the best education
available, so I attended an all girls, private
Catholic school run by French nuns for
nine long years. By the time I hit the
public school system at age 14, I was
incapable of communicating with very many
of my peers particularly the boys. So
instead of being a very social person, I
applied myself totally to my studies. This
trend continued through college, although I"
did manage to become more able to
socialize. I even had a few relationships"
with men, but they never withstood the test
of time (I always ended them, I never felt
comfortable with the opposite sex).

I graduated from the University of
Texas with a degree in geology in 1982. A
big oil company, Exxon, snatched me up and
assigned me to work in a field office in
Lafayette, Louisiana. Mostly, I worked in
the office, but occasionally I went to the
offshore oil and gas rigs. From the
beginning, I know that working for an oil
company wasn’t for me. My conscience
bothered me, plus I felt stifled and
suffocated by the system. One was

supposed to act a certain way.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t "one of the boys." I
simply wouldn't play the game of climbing
the corporate ladder to power.

During my time in Louisiana, I became
aware of this strange attraction ‘ , my own
sex. I managed to bury these feelings. But
in the process, along with the stress of
work, my health began to decline. By the
time I quit in 1984, I was in sad shape. I
was undecided as to whether I wanted to
I felt that I had failed
because'I could not make it in the world of
corporations. I felt guilty that I had failed
my parents (It's amazing how much they
control us, even as adults!). And
emotionally and physically I was a wreck.

By quitting the job that I really
despised, I began to really take control of
my life for the first time. It definitely was
frightening, making a decision for myself and
not for my family or for society! First I
moved to Houston for three months, then
on to Austin, an oasis of healing energy in
Texas. My search for my new identify was
aided by strengthening my body (through
diet, yoga and exercise) and my mind
(through therapy and meditation). As all
this new growth was taking place, that old
buried attraction to women surfaced again.
But this time I decided to be more aware
of these feelings. I still was too frightened
to act on them, or even to tell anyone. All
the same, at least I let them be there. As
time progressed, I began to realize that I
had had similar feelings even when I was
younger in my teens, but I had failed to
recognize them or put a label on them.

Unfortunately, even though I assumed
most of my friends would support me if I
came out to them, I was too afraid to even
hint at the possibility that I may be gay.
Actually, they probably already guessed it;
one friend was always kidding me and
calling me a dyke. But my family was just
90 miles away in San Antonio. I know that
if I was to let my feelings out in Austin, I
would not be able to stay in the closet and
keep my sanity. And I definitely was not
ready to announce to my parents that their
little girl (I'm after three boys) was a queer.

An opportunity arose for me to move
to Vermont and study at the Macrobiotic
Health Center in Hyde Park. I knew that I
needed some change in my life. Perhaps

subconsciously I realized that to be. really
free I had to get far away from family and

old friends. I wanted a fresh start! I
arrived just before Thanksgiving in the fall
of 1986. That first winter I spent learning
how to live in a severe cold climate. I split
wood, bought snow tires, learned how to
dress in layers, learned how to drive in ice
and snow, shoveled lots of snow, and
learned how to cross-country ski.

I mostly kept to myself, savoring the
peaceful quiet of the winter. ‘But I did have
to work, so I took a job at a ski resort.
As it turned out, my boss was gay. She
thought that I was an "out" Lesbian, and so
was very open with me about her life.
Initially ‘I was terrified to spend any time
with her. Eventually, however, I noticed a
growing attraction to her. For once, I
decided to face my feelings. So we went to
the movies together and the rest is history.
That was the start of a wonderful
relationship in which we are both still loving
and growing together.

So there! That's my coming out story.
Of course, my coming out didn't end there,
as I am sure it rarely does for anyone. I
next came out to friends, to my mother
(maybe someday I’ll manage the rest of my
family), to my employer and coworkers. The
most-attended coming out was at the hearing
for the anti-discrimination bill, H247. By
testifying before the Judiciary Committee and
with all those so-called "Christians" present,
I gained new self confidence as a Lesbian.
There have been times since I have testified
during which I have been afraid of
retaliation, but I remind myself that I get
angry every time I think of how much most
of us live in the closet, living two lives.
The anger gives me the courage to go on,
bit by bit fusing my two separate lives
together.

Rosi B.