Dear Mom and Dad,

This letter has been a long time in
coming. I've wanted to write it for
years now, but had decided against it
in fear of disappointing you and losing
your affection. Over the years,
however, I've found that not writing it
has affected our relationship. It has
kept me from sharing important things
with you and made me feel like I
couldn't be myself with you, which has
put increasing distance between us. I
write this to you now in the risk of
hurting our relationship and in the
hopes of improving it.

For the past four years, Kate and
I have been living together as a couple.
We love each other very much and are
committed to being together for the
rest of our lives. I know that you
won't be able to understand our
commitment and that it will be very
hard for you to accept it. From the
outside, our relationship is foreign to
your experience. It does not follow the
norm. To you, that means our life
together will be hard, and in some
ways it is. But in many ways it is rich
and fulfilling. We give to each other
true companionship -- the kind that
neither one of us was able to-feel in
romantic relationships with men. For
me, meeting Kate was like an answer
to my dreams. I never had a satisfying
relationship with the men I dated. I
never felt I could be completely myself,
that I could talk about my feelings and
be understood. It made me_ feel
inadequate. I wanted so much to have
a close, serious relationship.

When I fell in love with Kate, I
didn't know what to make of it at
first. Thankfully, I was in therapy at
the time, and my therapist helped me

understand my feelings and see them as
OK. Loving a woman was a new

experience for Kate, too. We both had
to look inside and be true to our
feelings in spite of social pressures to
do otherwise.

I have told (my brothers,
sister-in-law, and cousin) about the full
extent of my relationship with Kate,
and of course all of my good, close
friends know. Kate's parents have
known for some time. I regret now that
it has taken me so long to tell you, but
I wanted to spare you the pain of
knowing. You have been good parents
and I was afraid that you would blame
Yourselves for having a child outside
the norm. There was nothing you did
that "made" me homosexual.

Of course, you will feel many
things in response to this news and I've
enclosed a book to let you know that
You're not alone (‘Now That You
Know," by Betty Fairchild and Nancy
Hayward). In the end, I'd like you to
be able to view Kate's and my
relationship from the inside -- to see
Our love and how happy it makes us,

Laiiiziétters /201273

to see that it is very much like your
feelings for each other. I also want you
to include Kate in our family events,
because she is my family now.

I know this news will be hard for
you to hear, and I'm sorry for any bad
feelings it brings. I will be glad to help
you understand it in any way I can, to
answer questions you might have about
my past and present. Remember that I
told you this because I love you and
because I wanted to make our
relationship more honest. This is the
hardest letter I've ever written, but I
feel more open already.

With love,
Luisa

Dearest Lulu,

I don't know if I can write this
letter or not. It's been almost a week
since your letter came -- at first I was
just numb and my arms and heart
weighed a ton. Since then I alternately
feel all the other ways. Of course I
realized there was a possibility but I
was hoping so hard you and Kate were
just good friends and from things you
said and did, it seemed possible. Many

women who live together aren't
Lesbians.
The "If Onlys" are almost

overwhelming and I know they don't
make sense, but they keep coming. You
are such a part of me and I wish so
much that somehow I had been able to
do some things better. It seems in your
case it was such a fine line and
because of funny circumstances, you
went over it.

All of the pain that you have had
and the knowledge that my darling
Lulu is on the "outside" in our society
-- even though things are different
now, it is still true -- hurts so very
much. I would have done anything to
protect you from all this, and I feel so
utterly helpless.

I am trying so hard to look at the
good things. I thank God we know
Kate and like her so much. We see the
wonderful compatibility you have
together and we see serenity and
sureness in you. We admire the
commitment you both seem to have.
And of course the best things is that
there is no question that Dad and I
will love you forever. I will pray
constantly that God will give me the
strength to accept this with grace. Dad
is able to accept things much easier
than 1. He is so objective and less
emotional, even though he ‘does love me
and you kids very much. My friends
have always filled a big gap, helping
and supporting by talking these hard
things through, but I haven't been able
to tell anyone yet, and I'm not sure it
wouldn't be harmful to you. In any
case I feel very lonely and I'm hoping

.-o -—-~ -_.j

June I 986 - page 7

it will help when we can talk to (your
brother and sister-in-law) over Memorial
Day weekend.

I need to ask some questions,
because I have to put together some of
the pieces. When did you and Kate
meet? Did your therapist make you see
there were several options to your
dilemma? It was so new for you both. I
want to learn these things, so we don't
have to talk about them with Kate.
When did you tell (your cousin), and do
you think she told (her parents)?

There's much more, but I guess this
is enough for now. We'll be thinking of

you so much as your birthday
approaches.
Love,
Mom

Luisa’s note: This was written three
years ago. My relationship with my
parents has improved tremendously
since then. I'm still surprised that their
acceptance came so easily. Kate has
been completely welcomed into the
family -- in fact, last month my
father gave us money for a deposit on
a house.

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