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TRANSGENDER

 fl 

The Uncertainty
of My Certainty

BY TOBIAS NOVAK

In my dream-life, I have the body and the

chemistry 1, well, dream of. In my dreams
Iamthe guylamso certa.inIam.Awake,I
remember how good my dreams felt, and am
calmed.

Movement, fluid in its certainty, self-assured
in its presentation.

I wake up in the morning, and there are my
breasts. There is my female body; behold its in-
congruency. I immediately have this disconnect,
not only between the waking and dream states,
but also between my desired body and actual
body.

Heaviness, freed by bondage.

I used to sleep naked when I was disconnect-
ed from my body — when I walked the world as a
woman. The woman-actor was convincing, but
never so self-assured as the man I am becoming.
Now that I am connected to my body, I can no
longer ‘sleep naked comfortably.

Underdeveloped maleness floating through’
an overdeveloped female body, breasts heavy,
ready to fall at any moment with the weight of
their inconvenience.

I don’t hate my body; I have a beautiful fe-
male body, but I’m'not a woman.

Trapped in this body, familiar, yet so
unfamiliar.

I stare at my breasts before my morning
shower, defiantly holding my hands over them,
imagining a male chest there instead. V

We are given a body to walk the world with,
and sometimes it is not our own.

As I prepare for my shower each morning,
this anomaly of magical incongruency, right
before my eyes. I can’t be blind to the fact that
it's there.

I look in the mirror and I see you, unwelcome
but unable to leave.

My body is undeniably female - to outsiders.
What a sacred thing, I think to myself, that I can
see something in such a magical way.

Things are not always what they seem. I see
you‘ as you really are; can you see me? '

I have no plans for bottom surgery — the cre-
ation of a penis that may never work, may not
look convincing, and costs money I don’t have.
Top surgery, on the other hand, is not something
I can live without. My vagina doesn’t hang be-
tween my legs as the breasts hang from off my
chest.

How I wish that you co11ld dangle there, in
concrete certainty. Alas, your invisibility must
suffice.

I know there is a male chest under there,
spiritually, and I can't wait to see it after top sur-
gery. I’ve been looking at lots of pictures lately,
researching surgeons, wondering who would do
the best job; will I ever have nipple sensation
again? '

You are there, but you are not really there. I
will acknowledge you only for brief moments of
incongruency.

To allow another to cut into to your body is a
huge decision; as much as I want to see the male
chest I have underneath, I know that I must

I ’ve been dreaming of T for over a year now.

  
  
  
 

decide carefully, as surrendering your body to
another is never an easy decision. Surrendering
your breasts to a surgeon's knife is an act that
changes the rest of your life. I must trust this
surgeon, and they must honor me, in much the
way that lovers honor each other’s bodies when
they surrender to intimacy.

I lay before you, naked in my honesty, the
stillness of my surrender on display.

I imagine myself unbound, breasts gone for-
ever, the male chest I have underneath finally
free.

I see you, body of my dreams, and I long for
you stronger than you comprehend. Or do you
comprehend?

Afterl showered this morning, I had a sudden
realization — oh my god, I’m going to do this. I’m
a boy-man, wanting to make his way into man-
hood - ready for the challenge, the unexpected,
the unfamiliar. I felt a surge of energy in my
body.

Sudderrchills, ravenous hunger for maleness.

This comforted me at first, and then I was ter-
rifled. I started to think about life. Employment.
Discrimination. Lovers. My life will be so differ-
ent. There will be no going back once I do this.

The uncertainty of my certainty overwhelms '
me.

I've put off getting a tattoo for twenty—five
years now, despite wanting one for spiritual
reasons. Why? Because its permanent. Once
you get the tattoo, there’s no going back. You’ve
got it for life. Well that’s what I’m going through
with my gender transition. Once I start the T,
that’s it. My voice will be changed forever. —

We have a voice for solong; we know it so
well. Then, we realize it was never our voice to
begin with.

I almost changed my name recently. I stood
there in the courthouse, got the forms, talked
with the receptionist about changing my name
and gender. But the cost was $50. I didn’t have
it. I couldn’t change my name then, but I had the
desire, so strong, to finally part with my birth
name for good.

You can change your name back again, or
forward, but once you change your body, there
is no return.

I don’t do anything permanent. Yet I want
desperately to changeithis fundamental essence
of my body from female to male - to go through
with transition completely.

Complete me in your cycles of rebirth.

So how is it that I won’t get a tattoo, yet I
want nothing more than to change my body and
brain chemistry permanently?

I am waiting in line for the roller coaster. I
am so ready for the ride. But my stomach turns
at the thought of actually getting on and being
strapped down, unable to get off the ride ifl
change my mind. Yet, I am still waiting in line,
ready to begin all that I simultaneously dream of ‘
and fear.

I'm a free spirit. A traveler, a transient, a hip-
pie if you will. I don’t do forevers. This is the one

' thing in my life I can do for real - permanently.

I want this forever with everything. How can a

CONTlNUED NEXT PAGE 9

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